Struggling with comparing adult son’s success with his peers

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with dealing with my adult son’s success versus his friends/past friends.

My son is 28, and I love him. He is smart, hard working, has always been a good kid. But he is inarguably an underachiever.

I hate to say it, but he has a college degree, has gone to great schools from middle school onwards, but he is currently working at a pretty dead end, mostly call center job with relatively low pay years from college.

I feel like he is at the point where most of his friends are moving up, making big changes, pushing for more while he is treading water. He seems happy, but honestly it just hurts me seeing him coasting while so many of his friends are doing so well.

For an example, his best friend moved across the country for a dream job around a year ago, is making considerably more, just bought a brand new car, and is just thriving. They have plans to hang out in a few months during a conference the friend is going to for work. This friend of his went to the same schools and graduated with the same degree the same year, and he has mentioned he feels mixed feelings about this situation.

I don’t know what to say. It is hard, because I love my son, and think he can be great, but the cards simply haven’t fallen his way and I know it hurts him. He is barely scraping by while so many of his friends are out there thriving while he is treading water. But I have no idea what advice to give him. He is looking for better jobs, but it’s been painful and a lot of rejection, and I want to give him space.

[Anonymous]

What field is he in?

[Anonymous]

Is he a good person? Kind? A good friend? Happy?

Those things matter. The rest does not.

[Anonymous]

Say nothing. Your son will eventually decide to change his course - whether that means improving his interview skills, getting a masters degree, going into the trades and joining a union, etc. But it's on him now.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is love and support him. Set an example of not comparing oneself to others. There are more important things in life than professional success!

If he's interested in therapy, ADD diagnosis, a career coach, or whatever, you could offer to pay. But really, parents can't fix this, you have to give him unconditional love and let him figure it out in his own time.

[Anonymous]

If he’s happy and not asking you for money, he’s fine. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s happy and not asking you for money, he’s fine. MYOB.

OP said her son was unhappy with his career trajectory relative to his peers and suffering from job rejections. I think the idea of paying for a career coach or any additional training/education is a good one. Some people just aren’t wired to be super competitive and focused, but OP is right to encourage a solid, stable career.

[Anonymous]

I think you say that his value as a person and a child isn't tied to how much money he is making. That all you care about is how happy he is, and that you love him exactly as he is - and are there to support him if and when he wants to try something else.

It is very hard when you're struggling to stay afloat while everyone around you seems to be zipping along. He doesn't need you to observe or judge what he already feels.

What does he actually want? Is he trying to figure that out? Has he asked you for help figuring that out? I would say stay out of it unless he's asking you for help, or you have some background or insight that would actually be useful. There is seriously nothing worse than feeling like you're failing, while your mom tries to give you terrible advice. It really just compounds a sh**ty situation, even if it's out of love.

[Anonymous]

I don’t find the high achievers any more happy than people like your don. His angst is probably around being judged.

[Anonymous]

If he’s able to support himself and is content there is nothing to say. You being disappointed in him isn’t going to make him feel better or be more “successful” or ambitious. You have messed up values

[Anonymous]

People, OP said DS is unhappy with his trajectory. She is trying to help without making him feel bad.

[Anonymous]

OP: Since your son is "barely scrapping by" and getting nothing but rejections in his job search, he may benefit from earning an on-line certification in an area of interest while continuing to work.

Call center work is low paying, dead-end job.

[Anonymous]

Ask him if he's considered grad school and tell him how much you are will to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s able to support himself and is content there is nothing to say. You being disappointed in him isn’t going to make him feel better or be more “successful” or ambitious. You have messed up values

Uh, no. People want the best for their children. I don't think most people would consider a crappy call center job where he is just barely scraping by to be "the best." I'm sure OP wants her son to be fulfilled. If that means not making much money but being happy because he's found his calling, that's one thing. But a low paying, low level dumb job is not that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, OP said DS is unhappy with his trajectory. She is trying to help without making him feel bad.

There's really no way to help unless OP knows someone who is offering a job her kid wants, or is going to pay for him to work with a resume coach or something. What's she going to do - the equivalent of the Rocky training montage, but her with her kid helping him earn more money?