Struggling with comparing adult son’s success with his peers
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Anonymous
**willing** to help him. |
Anonymous
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Is he unhappy or are you? As you mentioned he’s an underachiever- has it always been this way?
I cannot diagnose from here but having worked in a college career center, I have seen this a bit. Could be inattentive adhd, low grade depression, some other diagnosis. Also, some males do mature later. At 28, it may now be a combination of situational depression brought on by not having direction earlier on. Not sure what to do, coast, try, not successful, coast. If he is open to it, I would contact alumni career services at his university and ask for recommendation for career coach. Also, NCDA lists career counselors by state. GWU Launch I think it is - for 20 something’s needing support with above issues. Lastly, encourage volunteering, work away, travel, an activity. I always say you have to engage with life to have any sense of what you like - even for fun. Best wishes for your son. |
Anonymous
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NP here. ^ that website certainly doesn't make it easy to locate that "list", career counselors by state.
Seems mostly to want to sell you on seminars, not help finding actual jobs. |
Anonymous
| I have a stepbrother who is 40 who is an underachiever. Went to do some college and has never had any drive or motivation, worked at a department store until the pandemic. Since then he’s been unemployed, and I think my stepmother is highly embarrassed. She shouldn’t be. He gets pleasures from simple things like watching an old movie or a dinner out (as seen on Facebook.) He is simple and happy and in some ways I’m jealous of him. |
Anonymous
Did you go to National Career Development Association? It says “ looking for career help” and you type in zip code. I am a member but not on the list as I am not in private practice. I thought may be a start. Also, it is for counseling but not a site for finding jobs. OP mentioned he is not using potential so he first needs to figure out why, and then home in on his interest, skills, motivation. I think it does list training as it is first a professional development site for its members. Maybe that is why it seems train8 g focused. I mentioned calling alumni career services from dc’s college so that may be the best place to start to ask for referral. The women’s center in Vienna, va has career counseling. Hope this helps a bit more. |
Anonymous
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Something doesn’t make sense. People who are smart and hardworking with a college degree (and even without!) do well in the job market. There must be some other deficit that you are not mentioning.
From my friends who went to college, everyone is doing ok. A few folks drifted for a bit after college, but it was largely enable by parents who were still footing the bills or that they really didn’t know what they wanted. Everyone figured it out by their 30s. Now, 20 years out, some people have amazing careers and some people have average careers (I include myself in that category) but no one has a dead-end job. |
Anonymous
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It is sad that you feel the need to compare him to others.
Try to love the child you have. He is unique. A gift you were given. I hope he does not know how you feel. If he does, that cannot help him at all. |
Anonymous
That's not totally clear. OP is unhappy but son has mixed feelings? I'm not criticizing but trying to understand the OP |
Anonymous
| Don't give up on him OP - he's young and has time to find his groove. For some people that's realizing that they need a job that is not sitting at a desk and finding something they are excited about. A few examples are personal training, teaching, working for Amazon or UPS, working with their hands/contractor etc. I know a number of young men that transitioned into those exact roles and were much happier. As others suggested a little counseling/career coaching may be what he needs to switch gears. Sounds like he just needs a plan. Wishing him the best of luck! |
Anonymous
| Is he living in your home rent free? Do you give him money? |
Anonymous
+1. If you are subsidizing his lifestyle, he has no immediate motivation to change jobs. |
Anonymous
| OP hasn’t responded since the initial post. Waste of time. |
Anonymous
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I am a classic underachiever and honestly I think I have undiagnosed anxiety.
Can you arrange for him to see a great doctor to just get diagnosed/see if he has it? It may not be enough to just tell him “go get it checked out”. |
Anonymous
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He is 28. Barely 5 years out of college. He has whole lifetime ahead of him. He can go to a grad or professional school to completely change his life or take some tech courses to improve resume. He can move to a new city to reset things. First of all, he should get screened for ADHD, anxiety, self esteem issues etc. Those things often hold bright people back. Another important skill is communication, oral and verbal to improve his odds in social and professional lives. Good luck!
As a parent, you need to live and support without judging and being disappointed. He is healthy, educated and employed. Every dead body on Everest was once a highly motivated person. Let him be chill, nothing wrong with that. |
Anonymous
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I'm a year younger than your son, a woman and in a similar position.
The difference is I am actively trying to change my situation and begin in a new industry since 30 is around the corner in 3 years. Some of us are late bloomers. Also, covid did disrupt so many of our lives. I got laid off and it took almost a year to find a new job. He probably is dealing with depression. Is he trying to change his situation? Thats the most important question. |