Struggling with comparing adult son’s success with his peers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a stepbrother who is 40 who is an underachiever. Went to do some college and has never had any drive or motivation, worked at a department store until the pandemic. Since then he’s been unemployed, and I think my stepmother is highly embarrassed. She shouldn’t be. He gets pleasures from simple things like watching an old movie or a dinner out (as seen on Facebook.) He is simple and happy and in some ways I’m jealous of him.

If he’s able-bodied and hasn’t worked since March 2020, then stepmom is supporting him (and your parent probably is too, even indirectly). She has a right to be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am struggling with dealing with my adult son’s success versus his friends/past friends.

My son is 28, and I love him. He is smart, hard working, has always been a good kid. But he is inarguably an underachiever.

I hate to say it, but he has a college degree, has gone to great schools from middle school onwards, but he is currently working at a pretty dead end, mostly call center job with relatively low pay years from college.

I feel like he is at the point where most of his friends are moving up, making big changes, pushing for more while he is treading water. He seems happy, but honestly it just hurts me seeing him coasting while so many of his friends are doing so well.

For an example, his best friend moved across the country for a dream job around a year ago, is making considerably more, just bought a brand new car, and is just thriving. They have plans to hang out in a few months during a conference the friend is going to for work. This friend of his went to the same schools and graduated with the same degree the same year, and he has mentioned he feels mixed feelings about this situation.

I don’t know what to say. It is hard, because I love my son, and think he can be great, but the cards simply haven’t fallen his way and I know it hurts him. He is barely scraping by while so many of his friends are out there thriving while he is treading water. But I have no idea what advice to give him. He is looking for better jobs, but it’s been painful and a lot of rejection, and I want to give him space.

You need to stop thinking that everything you see on the surface of other people's lives is the whole thing. My AC had a friend from high school who looked like she was on an enviable trajectory, but without going into a long story with lots of scandalous gossip, it was mostly fake and it crashed and burned spectacularly. AC got to see first hand that all that glitters is not gold, and then stopped comparing themselves to others as much. It's made for a much happier life now. Whenever you catch yourself comparing your son to other boys who look like they have it all figured out, I suggest you use your imagination to think of ways in which it might all be a farce that could come crashing down any minute, and then be thankful that your son is just healthy and living honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he a good person? Kind? A good friend? Happy?

Those things matter. The rest does not.

I mean....not really. If only it were that simple! You sound terribly out of touch.