Concerned about older dad’s relationship with much younger woman

[Anonymous]

I am beginning to get slightly concerned about my dad’s relationship with a much younger woman. Dad is in his mid-70s and she is mid-30s, younger than me and my sibling. I have met this woman many times and she seems nice enough. My dad has friends of all ages and at first when they were “friends” I didn’t think much of it. If anything, I thought she might be “looking after” him in a way (at the time a few years ago, I lived out of town). So, she decided to go back to school to get her degree, and at that time she moved in with my dad to save money, I suppose. I now live close by and I wasn’t thrilled by this at all, but what could I do. My dad said it was temporary while she was finishing her school and that she was supposed to help out by making healthy dinners etc.

So, a year later and it’s clear to me that she’s not helping at all. She is now finished with school but is still working night shifts so my dad adjusts his schedule to accommodate making her dinner before she goes to work, or staying up late and waking up when she comes home. I know he is funding her but I don’t really care about that- I am concerned about the impact that it is having on his health, trying to keep up with a much younger person. Not to mention she has a child who stays over sometimes, or my dad watches while she is at work sometimes (he has two grandkids). My dad’s health isn’t the greatest- he’s overweight and he isn’t in the greatest health. He tries to remain active and he still works full time. But, he really needs to concentrate on his health and his sleep and not mess around with going on trips and taking this woman out to eat all the time.

I have been asking my dad what her plan is for moving out, and he said something about she’s choosing which job she wants to take. Her motivation for the relationship seems mostly financial to me, although it’s not like my dad is dripping in money, he just has more than she does. His motivation seems to be companionship. I don’t have an issue if they both know what they want, but the issue is I think she is immature and she’s taking up his mental and physical energy to the detriment of his health- and I want him to be healthier and more available for his grandkids.

What do I do about this? I think it would be better if she moved out ASAP, but this is a touchy subject because I’m sure she doesn’t want to. I have a feeling my dad would be paying for a place for her to live if she does move out, too. How do I convey that I am concerned for him but I want him to be happy?

[Anonymous]

You mind your own business. You're concerned because they sometimes go out to eat or go on trips? Why is that an issue? He's enjoying the last years of his life. He doesn't owe you all his free time.

[Anonymous]

Why is your dad still working at 70 years old?

Das has a 30 year old live in girlfriend

Leave him alone and enjoy the ride!

[Anonymous]

She’s using him for money.

He’s using her for sex.

Is she from another country?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't like that either, OP, but at the end of the day, I would like my father to be happy. You seem to be excluding mental health from the equation here. It's SO important for seniors. If he's more active and more interested in life because she's like an extra daughter to him (plus an extra grandkid), maybe it will keep him alive longer. Or if not alive longer, maybe alive and happier?

On the other hand, if he's stressed out but feels obligated to accommodate her schedule, then it's time for a conversation about his needs coming before hers.

Also, whatever the scenario, it would be good to have a discussion on power of attorney, will, etc.

[Anonymous]

Money - my dad has bene in several relationships like that. He gave away a small fortune...

[Anonymous]

She's probably keeping him going and alive more than being detrimental to his health. It sounds like they have a good arrangement for all concerned, though that doesn't include you, obviously, and that's fine.

[Anonymous]

You can’t do anything about it unless he is being abused or robbed. He uses her for companionship and she uses him for financial support. Tale as old as time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money - my dad has bene in several relationships like that. He gave away a small fortune...

This would have been my dad had my mom passed before him. Instead, my siblings are using my mom as their ATM but they keep her company. None of my business but it can be hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

If he’s not senile you can’t do a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money - my dad has bene in several relationships like that. He gave away a small fortune...

This would have been my dad had my mom passed before him. Instead, my siblings are using my mom as their ATM but they keep her company. None of my business but it can be hard to watch.

I stopped watching it or having a close relationship as it is horrible. He cannot get his grandkids a $5 birthday gift and gives thousands to these women. You cannot stop it and its horrible.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is in a relationship like this. It’s all for the money IMO. In their case it seems pretty straight forward and transactional. Both of them know what the other is in it for, so there isn’t anything we can do about it. It’s creepy though.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any access to his financial accounts? I would be watching them like a hawk. I know it’s “none of your business”, but if your dad needs care at some point, she will be long gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't like that either, OP, but at the end of the day, I would like my father to be happy. You seem to be excluding mental health from the equation here. It's SO important for seniors. If he's more active and more interested in life because she's like an extra daughter to him (plus an extra grandkid), maybe it will keep him alive longer. Or if not alive longer, maybe alive and happier?

On the other hand, if he's stressed out but feels obligated to accommodate her schedule, then it's time for a conversation about his needs coming before hers.

Also, whatever the scenario, it would be good to have a discussion on power of attorney, will, etc.

OP here. Thank you- I was hoping it was a “keeping him alive longer” type of thing, but it seems like his physical health has gone downhill since he is putting her needs before his (and he tends to be that way). I am his medical proxy, and he does have a will and I am executor, but I have a feeling she is pressing him to be in the will. Which I don’t necessarily mind, but it’s bordering on her taking advantage of him I think. He’s a smart guy, and it’s a hard conversation to have with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to get slightly concerned about my dad’s relationship with a much younger woman. Dad is in his mid-70s and she is mid-30s, younger than me and my sibling. I have met this woman many times and she seems nice enough. My dad has friends of all ages and at first when they were “friends” I didn’t think much of it. If anything, I thought she might be “looking after” him in a way (at the time a few years ago, I lived out of town). So, she decided to go back to school to get her degree, and at that time she moved in with my dad to save money, I suppose. I now live close by and I wasn’t thrilled by this at all, but what could I do. My dad said it was temporary while she was finishing her school and that she was supposed to help out by making healthy dinners etc.

So, a year later and it’s clear to me that she’s not helping at all. She is now finished with school but is still working night shifts so my dad adjusts his schedule to accommodate making her dinner before she goes to work, or staying up late and waking up when she comes home. I know he is funding her but I don’t really care about that- I am concerned about the impact that it is having on his health, trying to keep up with a much younger person. Not to mention she has a child who stays over sometimes, or my dad watches while she is at work sometimes (he has two grandkids). My dad’s health isn’t the greatest- he’s overweight and he isn’t in the greatest health. He tries to remain active and he still works full time. But, he really needs to concentrate on his health and his sleep and not mess around with going on trips and taking this woman out to eat all the time.

I have been asking my dad what her plan is for moving out, and he said something about she’s choosing which job she wants to take. Her motivation for the relationship seems mostly financial to me, although it’s not like my dad is dripping in money, he just has more than she does. His motivation seems to be companionship. I don’t have an issue if they both know what they want, but the issue is I think she is immature and she’s taking up his mental and physical energy to the detriment of his health- and I want him to be healthier and more available for his grandkids.

What do I do about this? I think it would be better if she moved out ASAP, but this is a touchy subject because I’m sure she doesn’t want to. I have a feeling my dad would be paying for a place for her to live if she does move out, too. How do I convey that I am concerned for him but I want him to be happy?

These are like the quintessential retiree activities. Funny how you’re concerned that restaurant dining/travel (ie things that cost money) are destroying his health but not the fact that he’s still working full time at 70.