Concerned about older dad’s relationship with much younger woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your dad still working at 70 years old?

Das has a 30 year old live in girlfriend

Leave him alone and enjoy the ride!

Perhaps he enjoys working. Too many people retire much too young.

[Anonymous]

Can you and your sibling, together, have this conversation with your Dad: Ask that the two of you be listed as account holders on his accounts so that if anything were to happen to him, the two of you could make sure that he's cared for "financially".

Then you might have to watch and stay quiet if you see him spending too much on this women, but at least you'd know. And the two of you would have total control IF he became incapacitated.

[Anonymous]

If he marries her then OP and her sibling won’t have any say afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, you’re all over the place. I think you need to get some clarity on what exactly you want from your father.

Here are some ideas. Which ones match with what you really want? And then of those, which is most important, second most important and so on:

—I want to establish a weekly meal/visit with my kids so that they can have time with dad.
—I want to have full access to his financial accounts so that I can monitor them.
—I want this woman to move out.
—I’m fine with this woman continuing to live with my father.
—I want my dad to have a check-up with his doctor because I am concerned about his health.
—I do not trust this woman and want to tell my dad this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you’re all over the place. I think you need to get some clarity on what exactly you want from your father.

Here are some ideas. Which ones match with what you really want? And then of those, which is most important, second most important and so on:

—I want to establish a weekly meal/visit with my kids so that they can have time with dad.
—I want to have full access to his financial accounts so that I can monitor them.
—I want this woman to move out.
—I’m fine with this woman continuing to live with my father.
—I want my dad to have a check-up with his doctor because I am concerned about his health.
—I do not trust this woman and want to tell my dad this.

+1
OP, my take is that you want her out of his life. But you are trying to sound (to us and to yourself, probably) reasonable.

I think all you can do is to make more "dates" with him and your kids yourself. Get a better lay of the land, as it were.

Nothing you say is going to get her booted if he wants her there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to get slightly concerned about my dad’s relationship with a much younger woman. Dad is in his mid-70s and she is mid-30s, younger than me and my sibling. I have met this woman many times and she seems nice enough. My dad has friends of all ages and at first when they were “friends” I didn’t think much of it. If anything, I thought she might be “looking after” him in a way (at the time a few years ago, I lived out of town). So, she decided to go back to school to get her degree, and at that time she moved in with my dad to save money, I suppose. I now live close by and I wasn’t thrilled by this at all, but what could I do. My dad said it was temporary while she was finishing her school and that she was supposed to help out by making healthy dinners etc.

So, a year later and it’s clear to me that she’s not helping at all. She is now finished with school but is still working night shifts so my dad adjusts his schedule to accommodate making her dinner before she goes to work, or staying up late and waking up when she comes home. I know he is funding her but I don’t really care about that- I am concerned about the impact that it is having on his health, trying to keep up with a much younger person. Not to mention she has a child who stays over sometimes, or my dad watches while she is at work sometimes (he has two grandkids). My dad’s health isn’t the greatest- he’s overweight and he isn’t in the greatest health. He tries to remain active and he still works full time. But, he really needs to concentrate on his health and his sleep and not mess around with going on trips and taking this woman out to eat all the time.

I have been asking my dad what her plan is for moving out, and he said something about she’s choosing which job she wants to take. Her motivation for the relationship seems mostly financial to me, although it’s not like my dad is dripping in money, he just has more than she does. His motivation seems to be companionship. I don’t have an issue if they both know what they want, but the issue is I think she is immature and she’s taking up his mental and physical energy to the detriment of his health- and I want him to be healthier and more available for his grandkids.

What do I do about this? I think it would be better if she moved out ASAP, but this is a touchy subject because I’m sure she doesn’t want to. I have a feeling my dad would be paying for a place for her to live if she does move out, too. How do I convey that I am concerned for him but I want him to be happy?

Sorry to break it to you, but have you considered the idea that he may be enjoying traveling/dining out with his 30 something companion more than watching his grandkids?

[Anonymous]

This post reminds me of “cool girl” type posts where a woman tried to be super breezy and ends up without ever getting what she really wants.

I’m with the other poster that said you have to decide what you really want here.

You either think this relationship is fine or you don’t. Pretending like you are now makes you sound all over the place.

If I were you, I would probably be thinking that this was a gold digger and I would tell my dad that. When he didn’t listen to me, we likely would have a reduced relationship but I would take that risk.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Also, I have noticed there seems to be a period of time where are loved ones have lost it, but bot enough to fail a dementia screen.

My biggest concern would be making sure there is money for long term care. I might ask his plan and see if you can get your name on accounts to make sure she doesn't go through them.

The thing is, if she uses him for money and he uses her for an ego boost and it makes him happy, well at least he is enjoying himself. If he ends up broke then you just have to figure out what he qualifies for and leave it at that. He made his choices. As long as he is of sound mind, there is not much you can do. Old people have right to make what we consider poor choices if of sound mind as defined by cognitive tests.

[Anonymous]

Your dad and this woman are probably sleeping together. He knows this is temporary so that’s good. He is enhoying this relationship. Taking care of his health and sleep is code for sit home and be always available to me. Funny how you aren’t phased by his working full time. You seem naive if you really thought a woman would move in and cook healthy dinners for a man more than twice her age and not expect something. How you made it to adulthood is beyond me. I would stay out of it. You have no right to your dads anything but you are also not obligated to do anything for him either. I would be more comfortable with this woman living with your dad than him paying for her to live elsewhere. At least she is there and he won’t be left on the floor for hours or days at least he is eating on the regular however the food gets there. At least he is enjoying himself

[Anonymous]

No mid thirties woman wants to live with a 70 something man unless she is getting something out of it. If you live close to you dad, I would start visiting and dropping in unannounced much more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't like that either, OP, but at the end of the day, I would like my father to be happy. You seem to be excluding mental health from the equation here. It's SO important for seniors. If he's more active and more interested in life because she's like an extra daughter to him (plus an extra grandkid), maybe it will keep him alive longer. Or if not alive longer, maybe alive and happier?

On the other hand, if he's stressed out but feels obligated to accommodate her schedule, then it's time for a conversation about his needs coming before hers.

Also, whatever the scenario, it would be good to have a discussion on power of attorney, will, etc.

No, this isn’t her place. You don’t say things like this to other adults if not asked your opinion on the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t do anything about it unless he is being abused or robbed. He uses her for companionship and she uses him for financial support. Tale as old as time.

Certainly possible but you don’t know this. Maybe there’s a genuine connection there. Not for us to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he marries her then OP and her sibling won’t have any say afterwards.

If she marries him the long term care issue falls on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he marries her then OP and her sibling won’t have any say afterwards.

If she marries him the long term care issue falls on her.

Not if she leaves him after spending all his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he marries her then OP and her sibling won’t have any say afterwards.

If she marries him the long term care issue falls on her.

Not if she leaves him after spending all his money.

I'm a DW with a similar age difference but I am CFBC and am employed in a white collar profession unlike this lady whom OP resents. DH has done a lot of forward planning for end of life matters and that takes off a lot of stress.