How to tell DH I want a separation

[Anonymous]

I am the OP from this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1032122.page

TL;DR — my Dh is an alcoholic, won’t admit it or get help. I love him and support him, but I just can’t live like this anymore. Compared to every other alcoholic i know/ have read about / encountered, he’s “not that bad” and generally keeps it together but the lies/ sneakiness and refusal to stop or get help is driving me further and further away.

I don’t want a separation as a form of punishment or a teaching lesson. I genuinely need space and time right now because my mental health is suffering. I’m fine on the surface but all of the monitoring and worrying and frustration is too much.

He won’t be surprised but he’ll be very upset. I just don’t even know what to say or do. We have a second (vacation) home (it’s small, we’re not as wealthy as that sounds) but we do share a car so logistically we’d have to figure it all out. I’m coming to tears even writing this but I need to take care of myself. Any suggestions or advice?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t call it a separation. Tell him what you told us: you love him but you need a break, and you will be spending two weeks at the vacation home.

I would consult with a divorce lawyer first to make sure you aren’t giving up rights by being the one to leave the home.

[Anonymous]

Plan that you'll need to buy a used car for one of you. Figure out if you should move out or him. Then tell him "I want a separation. I need space and time from all this to take care of myself. I want us to be living separately by October 1st. I'm going to buy a used car, and you can take ours and go to our vacation home."

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

That is extremely short-sighted. You are speaking out of stress and frustration right now. Please consult a lawyer and then take the 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

That is extremely short-sighted. You are speaking out of stress and frustration right now. Please consult a lawyer and then take the 2 weeks.

OP here. Thank you. I know I’m definitely speaking out of frustration. I just contacted a lawyer I know who helped with a family member. If this did lead down the path to divorce, is it possible to do this via mediation? We’ve only been married 3 years. Not only do I not care about the homes (yes, I’ve put a lot of time and love into the homes, but I don’t feel tied to them), I can’t afford them on my own anyways. We have a large mortgage on one and a smaller mortgage on the other. He can afford both on his own, I could afford the smaller one but I don’t want to live there. I suppose selling and splitting the equity could work too.
I hate that I’m even thinking this far ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

That is extremely short-sighted. You are speaking out of stress and frustration right now. Please consult a lawyer and then take the 2 weeks.

OP here. Thank you. I know I’m definitely speaking out of frustration. I just contacted a lawyer I know who helped with a family member. If this did lead down the path to divorce, is it possible to do this via mediation? We’ve only been married 3 years. Not only do I not care about the homes (yes, I’ve put a lot of time and love into the homes, but I don’t feel tied to them), I can’t afford them on my own anyways. We have a large mortgage on one and a smaller mortgage on the other. He can afford both on his own, I could afford the smaller one but I don’t want to live there. I suppose selling and splitting the equity could work too.
I hate that I’m even thinking this far ahead.

OP, I read your entire other thread and I urge you to find a way to give yourself permission to put yourself first here. You have been putting your husband and this marriage first for 2+ years, it looks like. And during all that time your husband has failed to come to terms with the fact that he can't drink as a "normal" person.

I say that as the partner (woman) with the drinking problem in my marriage. I don't know it that will help you or not, but there it is. The truth is that the only person that can fix my problem is me. I've tried and failed and I keep trying (sober for now and working on staying that way), but it's not on my spouse to make it work. The addiction was not a choice, but not doing anything about it is.

I think you are going to have to let this marriage go for now - and focus on you. PLEASE do not allow yourself to walk away from what you are entitled to in a divorce if indeed it goes that far. I know you have said your husband is kind and sweet, but there's also a theme in your posts where he's really attacked you when he feels cornered. Don't brush that off.

I truly wish you all the best. You seem like a wonderful person and spouse. Lean on your friends and family and take the time you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

That is extremely short-sighted. You are speaking out of stress and frustration right now. Please consult a lawyer and then take the 2 weeks.

OP here. Thank you. I know I’m definitely speaking out of frustration. I just contacted a lawyer I know who helped with a family member. If this did lead down the path to divorce, is it possible to do this via mediation? We’ve only been married 3 years. Not only do I not care about the homes (yes, I’ve put a lot of time and love into the homes, but I don’t feel tied to them), I can’t afford them on my own anyways. We have a large mortgage on one and a smaller mortgage on the other. He can afford both on his own, I could afford the smaller one but I don’t want to live there. I suppose selling and splitting the equity could work too.
I hate that I’m even thinking this far ahead.

You don’t have to exercise your rights - just preserve them so you can decide later. You aren’t in the right space to be making long term decisions right now, and that doesn’t make you a gold digger.

State law willl have an impact, but yes, mediation is generally available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

That is extremely short-sighted. You are speaking out of stress and frustration right now. Please consult a lawyer and then take the 2 weeks.

OP here. Thank you. I know I’m definitely speaking out of frustration. I just contacted a lawyer I know who helped with a family member. If this did lead down the path to divorce, is it possible to do this via mediation? We’ve only been married 3 years. Not only do I not care about the homes (yes, I’ve put a lot of time and love into the homes, but I don’t feel tied to them), I can’t afford them on my own anyways. We have a large mortgage on one and a smaller mortgage on the other. He can afford both on his own, I could afford the smaller one but I don’t want to live there. I suppose selling and splitting the equity could work too. I hate that I’m even thinking this far ahead.

We are the wrong people to ask. Ask the lawyer you contacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP from this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1032122.page

TL;DR — my Dh is an alcoholic, won’t admit it or get help. I love him and support him, but I just can’t live like this anymore. Compared to every other alcoholic i know/ have read about / encountered, he’s “not that bad” and generally keeps it together but the lies/ sneakiness and refusal to stop or get help is driving me further and further away.

I don’t want a separation as a form of punishment or a teaching lesson. I genuinely need space and time right now because my mental health is suffering. I’m fine on the surface but all of the monitoring and worrying and frustration is too much.

Say this to him.

And maybe buy a car now, before the separation, so it's a marital debt and not an individual debt. It doesn't have to be a BMW, just a reliable used car.

[Anonymous]

Go out and buy a car this weekend. Talk to your lawyer about whether it is ok for you to move to their vacation home. If you can make that work, just go.

And really, you need a divorce not a separation. Stop trying to “nice” your way through this. Rip off the bandaid and be done with this train wreck of a guy.

[Anonymous]

Tell the dude you want a divorce. If I separate from someone, that means it's over, and divorce is the only thing on the menu. I do not go back, once it's over, it's time to move on. Life is too short to waste tike on something that isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

We know you are, PP, but that isn't the right think for OP to say, given that she doesn't have children and she said her DH is alcoholic and isn't getting help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

They don't have kids.