How to tell DH I want a separation

[Anonymous]

OP here. We live in a very walkable city, I walk to work and can take the train to anyone I’d want to see. I don’t want a car, but I also (again, because I’m being too nice here) don’t want to force him to stay at our more-remote location. That being said, there’s no reason we can’t amicably switch off with the car if we’re switching off who stays where.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

We know you are, PP, but that isn't the right think for OP to say, given that she doesn't have children and she said her DH is alcoholic and isn't getting help.

That makes it easier then. Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you despite our marriage vowels. I’m out of here. Lawyer’s number is on your 6 pack in the fridge. Peace out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We live in a very walkable city, I walk to work and can take the train to anyone I’d want to see. I don’t want a car, but I also (again, because I’m being too nice here) don’t want to force him to stay at our more-remote location. That being said, there’s no reason we can’t amicably switch off with the car if we’re switching off who stays where.

Just rent or lease a car for a while, then. In the scheme of things, a very small problem with an easy solution. Free your brain up to focus on the big things. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We live in a very walkable city, I walk to work and can take the train to anyone I’d want to see. I don’t want a car, but I also (again, because I’m being too nice here) don’t want to force him to stay at our more-remote location. That being said, there’s no reason we can’t amicably switch off with the car if we’re switching off who stays where.

Just rent or lease a car for a while, then. In the scheme of things, a very small problem with an easy solution. Free your brain up to focus on the big things. Good luck.

OP I am extremely familiar with your situation (not because I know you) and let me very kindly and lovingly say that what you are doing with the bolded above is trying to maintain control. The car would be a tether to your DH, a means for you to continue to keep tabs on him. If you are to separate - which, believe me, you need to do - it needs to be an extremely clean break with no contact other than to facilitate the logistics of your separation. You do not need to amicably switch off a car. Your priority right now should be to set up an entirely independent life where you do not rely on him for anything. Get your own place, get your own means of transportation, get your own bank account. Get to alanon meetings. Then go from there. None of this means you stop caring about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We live in a very walkable city, I walk to work and can take the train to anyone I’d want to see. I don’t want a car, but I also (again, because I’m being too nice here) don’t want to force him to stay at our more-remote location. That being said, there’s no reason we can’t amicably switch off with the car if we’re switching off who stays where.

STOP with keeping connections to this man. Nothing about this is going to be amicable. Addicts are lying, liars that lie.

You need a divorce. Work with a lawyer to figure out how to do that. If you need to rent or lease a car for six months, then do that.

[Anonymous]

OP - get thee to a lawyer

STOP with the "how do I tell him ...."
There is no special "how" that is going to make a difference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We live in a very walkable city, I walk to work and can take the train to anyone I’d want to see. I don’t want a car, but I also (again, because I’m being too nice here) don’t want to force him to stay at our more-remote location. That being said, there’s no reason we can’t amicably switch off with the car if we’re switching off who stays where.

STOP with keeping connections to this man. Nothing about this is going to be amicable. Addicts are lying, liars that lie.

You need a divorce. Work with a lawyer to figure out how to do that. If you need to rent or lease a car for six months, then do that.

+1

OP, you put yourself last in these posts you've written. You question your behavior, your niceness, your "setting him up," your causing confusion. You take far more responsibility than is yours. You think you can control things beyond your ability.

As the adult child of an alcoholic, I am deeply familiar with these behaviors because that is what being around an alcoholic requires, in order to get from one day to the next. It's not healthy and it causes you to lose yourself, to lose your sense of boundaries and self-respect and self-esteem, it makes you think you are responsible for everything around you. It causes you to lose trust in anything because whatever he says is probably a lie, then then again, you can't be sure. So you have to cover for that eventuality but behave as if you believe him. And on and on.

It makes for an exhausting life.

I recommend that you step away from this dynamic altogether, and go straight to divorce. Cut your losses, move on. You cannot fix this and he doesn't want to fix it.

Whatever you do, do not have children with this man. Those children will grow up with this dynamic and will become the struggling adult children of an alcoholic, the very opposite of what I assume we all want for our kids.

Big hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

They do not have kids. Regardless, you can F all the way off.

[Anonymous]

You should also start reading Codependent No More ASAP

[Anonymous]

He had significant health issues from his drinking. And it didn’t tip the scales for him. He’s not mostly okay. He is a full-blown alcoholic.

There is no easy way to deliver the news. If you don’t feel safe, maybe have a friend or family member in the home with you. But otherwise you just have to rip off the bandaid abs you can tell him that getting back together can only happen if he gets appropriate help - but he can’t be doing it just to get you back. He has to want it for himself.

[Anonymous]

You open your mouth and say, “I want a separation.” Not so hard… 🤦‍♂️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We live in a very walkable city, I walk to work and can take the train to anyone I’d want to see. I don’t want a car, but I also (again, because I’m being too nice here) don’t want to force him to stay at our more-remote location. That being said, there’s no reason we can’t amicably switch off with the car if we’re switching off who stays where.

STOP with keeping connections to this man. Nothing about this is going to be amicable. Addicts are lying, liars that lie.

You need a divorce. Work with a lawyer to figure out how to do that. If you need to rent or lease a car for six months, then do that.

+1. I am sorry but as soon as you draw the line he is going to turn on you. He already has previously - go back and read what you have written.

[Anonymous]

Don't 'ask' him for a separation or tell him you 'want' a separation. TELL him you are separating. That is what is happening. You don't need his permission or approval.

Save yourself OP. This guy is dragging your life down.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all. I needed the reassurance and the tough love.
Will report back here in a few days..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all. I needed the reassurance and the tough love.
Will report back here in a few days..

Thinking of you, OP.