How to tell DH I want a separation

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t know that an arbitrary end date of 3 months for the separation is going to help your cause, unfortunately; I’m concerned that he will use this as an opportunity to indulge without interruption, especially since he’s not likely taking this seriously. I would have recommended no end date, with reconciliation contingent on him getting appropriate help. It just doesn’t sound like he’s taking this seriously; in his mind, it’s as if these three months are for YOU, not him.

I don’t think he has any room to negotiate or influence a “compromise” around how long this will take. I sense you are ambivalent, and I imagine he does too. At the very least, I think it’s important that he knows that you have contacted a lawyer and are looking at apartments, and that you are taking this very seriously.

All that being said it’s easy for me to say. I know this is incredibly painful and complicated. I really hope that he gets his s**t together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We talked Sunday and I told him I needed some space, a separation, for 3 months. That I’m tired of beating my head against the wall. That I love him and support him and don’t want to be without him, but neither of us can continue on like this.
That if he doesn’t agree to stop drinking and get help, I can’t do this anymore. He’s digging his heels in and claiming to be fine, that I’m overreacting etc, but he’ll “give me time” if that’s what I need. I said this isn’t something that will go away - I’ll grow angry and resentful if things continue on like this, and neither of us want to live that way.
I said we both need time to calm down, think about things, work on ourselves, go to individual therapy, and maybe have some sort of come to Jesus epiphany.

It’s not likely this ends well, and I know 3 months isn’t going to magically fix anything, but it seemed like a decent medium between what I want (6 months apart) and what he wants (no time apart and to pretend everything’s fine).

We have a schedule for the next month of switching off between our two homes (and will update every few weeks according to who needs to be in the city for work/ appts etc). No, I have not purchased a car and most likely won’t right now. My sister has a car she doesn’t use that I can use or buy off her eventually. I know many suggested buying one right now, but unless things get extremely heated, I’m fine having the occasional run-in while we switch off.

I have my first individual therapy appt tomorrow, and we have couples therapy biweekly. I’m not sure if we should resume that or not.

I’ve started looking at apartments, I’ve spoken to a lawyer, I have all our financial info (including assets/ mortgages equity info) available. I’m not pulling the trigger on anything until this three months has lapsed and I can see if there’s any shred of possibility he’s done a 180.

To a recent PP that discussed age/ babies: I was fine being on the fence when we were ‘happy’, but now that this has all gone down, it’s forced me to think about it even more, and yea, I’m realizing I *do* want that. It’s something I need to think about more on my own and maybe with the therapist - am I wanting kids now, because I may be losing someone I love? Why was I ok being on the fence when I was happy in my relationship, but I’m not ok being on the fence now? I know a baby isn’t a solution to unhappiness, so I’m not sure what’s going on there.

Thanks all for your advice. I know I’m not doing this exactly how others would, so I know I’ll get some “constructive” feedback and that’s fine. It just sucks. There’s no easy way or right way.

Although I know it his hard for you, I am glad to hear you are taking these steps. I hope and pray your husband accepts the reality of his issues and that he seeks help. Please keep us updated.

[Anonymous]

Op I’m really sorry that you are faced with this. I read your other thread when you first posted it and was pretty sure the issue was alcoholism. Sounds like you’ve tried very very hard to get him to address his disease. Unfortunately he continues to drink and to downplay the reality and gravity of his Illness. He has left you with no good choices here.

I know it’s hard to leave someone you love and who needs help. But this is not your child and frankly you can’t help.
.you’ve tried and he refuses . The reality is that things will not improve and will get far worse unless he has a deep and searing desire to address this addiction. And even if he does have the desire, statistics for success are not great. You also don’t have a lot of time to waste if you want to rebuild a life with someone else and have kids. I doubt you spouse will be really trustworthy and stable in sobriety in time. I would not have kids until someone had at least 2 plus years of sobriety and a ton of support, including a sober ish family (which he does it have based on your post). Many alcoholics sort of hold it together until they dont. The addiction gets stronger and the cascade of physical and mental damage from drinking reaches a point from which it is difficult to return. And you have no control over this. Which I get is very hard to accept. But you leaving or staying is not the reason he drinks or will drink and stopping drinking for you won’t last if he views it that way. Given his history of seizures I am sorry to say that the future for him should he continue this path is bleak: usually a combination of health issues . Psychological breakdown (all alcohol related), job loss, loss of home, etc. obviously this is not every alcoholic but it is not out of the realm
Of possibility given that you guys are only mid 30s

So as you separate please get yourself therapy and consider how a life without him will work. Make the right decision for you and you only support him if he chooses rehab but even that doesn’t not obligate you to stay with him. Personally from my experiences with alcoholism I would end the marriage given his unwillingness to try to get well. I would also not want to raise children in this environment nor have children with those genetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I’m really sorry that you are faced with this. I read your other thread when you first posted it and was pretty sure the issue was alcoholism. Sounds like you’ve tried very very hard to get him to address his disease. Unfortunately he continues to drink and to downplay the reality and gravity of his Illness. He has left you with no good choices here.

I know it’s hard to leave someone you love and who needs help. But this is not your child and frankly you can’t help.
.you’ve tried and he refuses . The reality is that things will not improve and will get far worse unless he has a deep and searing desire to address this addiction. And even if he does have the desire, statistics for success are not great. You also don’t have a lot of time to waste if you want to rebuild a life with someone else and have kids. I doubt you spouse will be really trustworthy and stable in sobriety in time. I would not have kids until someone had at least 2 plus years of sobriety and a ton of support, including a sober ish family (which he does it have based on your post). Many alcoholics sort of hold it together until they dont. The addiction gets stronger and the cascade of physical and mental damage from drinking reaches a point from which it is difficult to return. And you have no control over this. Which I get is very hard to accept. But you leaving or staying is not the reason he drinks or will drink and stopping drinking for you won’t last if he views it that way. Given his history of seizures I am sorry to say that the future for him should he continue this path is bleak: usually a combination of health issues . Psychological breakdown (all alcohol related), job loss, loss of home, etc. obviously this is not every alcoholic but it is not out of the realm
Of possibility given that you guys are only mid 30s

So as you separate please get yourself therapy and consider how a life without him will work. Make the right decision for you and you only support him if he chooses rehab but even that doesn’t not obligate you to stay with him. Personally from my experiences with alcoholism I would end the marriage given his unwillingness to try to get well. I would also not want to raise children in this environment nor have children with those genetics.

Agree with all of this based on experience.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP, you'll get through this and come out for the better. I did went to mention that you CAN download do this without getting enmeshed in cheesy recovery culture if you do choose. It's fine to not embrace that lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP, you'll get through this and come out for the better. I did went to mention that you CAN download do this without getting enmeshed in cheesy recovery culture if you do choose. It's fine to not embrace that lifestyle.

This seems like an unnecessarily nasty comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

We know you are, PP, but that isn't the right think for OP to say, given that she doesn't have children and she said her DH is alcoholic and isn't getting help.

That makes it easier then. Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you despite our marriage vowels. I’m out of here. Lawyer’s number is on your 6 pack in the fridge. Peace out.

NP.

Ths pst s vry funny! Th pstr s trd f dlng wth mrrg vwls.

Fnd th fnny n th sprtn r dvrc. Thts wht m dng.

Gd lck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

We know you are, PP, but that isn't the right think for OP to say, given that she doesn't have children and she said her DH is alcoholic and isn't getting help.

That makes it easier then. Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you despite our marriage vowels. I’m out of here. Lawyer’s number is on your 6 pack in the fridge. Peace out.

NP.

Ths pst s vry funny! Th pstr s trd f dlng wth mrrg vwls.

Fnd th fnny n th sprtn r dvrc. Thts wht m dng.

Gd lck!

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

OP, I've dated an alcoholic for years, and left him. I can somewhat relate to what that must be like (awful!). You really need to go to AL Anon meetings asap if you have not already. For your own sanity. I'd also caution that you said you earn a mere fraction of what he earns. Can you survive if he earns nothing after you leave? If he hits rock bottom. Just plan carefully. But please, go to AL Anon right away, preferably before you even tell him you want to separate. Get some support and perspective. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I just lost my dad to alcohol related complications. If a person addicted to alcohol doesn't really commit to sobriety - REAL sobriety, not just "not drinking"- and doesn't address the root cause of alcoholism it is not going to work. Even if he's better for a while an alcoholic who doesn't actively work to learn different coping skills will usually revert back to alcohol when things get rough, like with a newborn or a job change, a death in the family, even something they find "stressful" like having family over- and then you can't rely on them to really be a partner because they're drunk. It's the endless cycle of broken promises and feeling like any moment things can teeter over the edge into disaster. They can often hold it together professionally more or less for years but ultimately the chickens come home to roost. I'm glad you're separating and taking space for yourself, and I would strongly recommend reading Codependent No More and attending Al-Anon.

As an adult child of an alcoholic I would tell you- please don't have kids with an alcoholic who is not committed to sobriety and has shown you a several year track record of being in recovery. You can separate or divorce and if he gets sober down the line you could consider being together, if that's something you still want. You can love someone very much but know that you can't be in a romantic partnership because of their addiction and the longer you're wrapped up in an unhealthy dynamic the harder it is to leave. I'm so sorry because it's clear you love him a lot but I would tell you to leave now before things are even more complicated. It's no way to live your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother is an alcoholic and the best advice I can give you is either Al Anon and/or therapy with an understanding of addiction and/or some sort of reading on the topic and/or finding a group dealing with the same issue.

I have friends who also have alcoholic parents or spouses, and I'll tell you that anyone who gets it gets it, and it can be really helpful to hear from other people who have been in those trenches. It's awful, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a person addicted to alcohol doesn't really commit to sobriety - REAL sobriety, not just "not drinking"- and doesn't address the root cause of alcoholism it is not going to work. Even if he's better for a while an alcoholic who doesn't actively work to learn different coping skills will usually revert back to alcohol when things get rough, like with a newborn or a job change, a death in the family, even something they find "stressful" like having family over- and then you can't rely on them to really be a partner because they're drunk. It's the endless cycle of broken promises and feeling like any moment things can teeter over the edge into disaster. They can often hold it together professionally more or less for years but ultimately the chickens come home to roost. I'm glad you're separating and taking space for yourself, and I would strongly recommend reading Codependent No More and attending Al-Anon.

The above is 1000% percent true in my experience. OP, I read your earlier thread and if I recall correctly, your husband has never consistently acknowledged the truth of his alcoholism for longer than 2(?) weeks. The ONLY people that I know who have truly turned things around and had a happy and functional home life are the ones who have been able to see their addiction, and all of their lying and hiding and "coping" techniques, clearly, and who have come to want, more than anything else, to stop their old way of living. Who have chosen never to drink again, and who have decided that, day by day, they want to do the hard work to stay sober.

If a person is coming up with rules like "2 beers when dad visits, and a martini every other Sunday" - there is no hope. If they are gaslighting you and telling you that you are the problem- there is less than no hope.

An alcoholic can be, in most situations, a lovely, caring, and wonderful person. But when push comes to shove, the active alcoholic will always choose the alcohol. Even if it means lying to you, endangering their health, breaking your heart. For there to be hope of a different future, your husband would have to do the incredibly hard and brave work of facing reality, and deciding (hopefully with the help of AA, sponsors, rehab, therapist, etc- NOT YOU) to live a different life.

You are taking good care of yourself by refusing to be caught up in this dance of denial and harm. Please remember that you have not done anything wrong. You have been caring and generous and loving. I wish you well.