When is it ok to give up on wanting to be close to your only sibling?
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Anonymous
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I have one brother, who is relatively recently married. He has always been a serial monogamist, and lived with 4 women before marrying, and was always the dumper, and somewhat distant within the relationships from what they told me. (Two reached out after the end of their relationship). My brother has also always been the one to not reply to invitations and so forth. I was hopeful once he married that that would change, which I now see was something of a fantasy; his wife, who is a fine enough person, also has distance in her relationships, and periodic estrangement after actual arguments and fights with both parents and each of her siblings. My brother and I don’t fight, but I’ve gotten used to me suggesting a dinner together and him gladly agreeing and then…never replying. So this is a him/me/us thing, not a sister in law thing.
Anyway — as this is a very entrenched pattern, I’m inclined to simply not contact him again. I’m tired of this dance, tired of feeling hurt, even though I should know better. If he reaches out, I don’t intend to accept invitations, since they never pan out. (He has called me over the past 12 months to invite me to dinner at their new home and then NEVER responds when I accept). I think I’ve hit my point of no return because most recently, his wife texted me independently to ask if I wanted to have lunch with her and both of our little girls, and after I eagerly (“why doesn’t OP ever learn?”) texted yes and then followed up, never once replied. The lunch date she suggested was this past weekend, and I’m sore about it because I resent invoking time with the kids in this crap. So should I simply let go entirely, and stop ever initiating contact or even responding should it come up again? Or try to have a big talk? I want to close myself off because this has gone on for years, and years. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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I think I would keep saying yes to their invitations just to see what happens. I would not invite them to things, and I wouldn’t get my hopes up about their invitations.
But it seems like they want to ‘try’ so I would just keep the door open but guard my feelings. |
Anonymous
Thanks, OP here. I feel really manipulated and resentful, though, like I’m playing a game of not-it with a pair of 45 year olds, And its shitty behavior, pardon me for my anger, to extend invitations to 7 year olds and flake. Yes, I was dumb for telling my girl about the lunch and sightseeing invite but I wanted to assume the best, I guess. However, the assumption isn’t rational at this point. I’m just recognizing I’m done, and that I’ve put up with this crap for years, and for my own sense of peace and love of my self, I just can’t anymore. I’m posting to try to work through this and I don’t take distance lightly but this isn’t something I ever wanted, nor ever created. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and he’s noted this pattern, and I just hoped it would improve, or that a family life would settle things. But its precisely as it has been since adulthood. |
Anonymous
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They just got married by they have an elementary aged child? Whose child is this?
Have you ever ASKED your brother about this dynamic? Not in a guns blazing way, but in a "hey dude, it sucks when you flake all the time. It hurts my feelings and makes me not want to contact you at all. What. Is. UP?!" |
Anonymous
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The sound annoying. I don’t blame you for your frustration.
But no I would not cut them out entirely. They’re family. Cutting them off is just too much drama. I suggest you don’t make invites to them, but do accept their invites, but make sure you approach it with the knowledge they might cancel. So maybe plan something you would do anyway, a museum trip or playground time, and if they cancel, go thru with it. If you have extended family invites, invite them, but mentally know they may flake. Some people are just like this, it’s rude and annoying, but since they are family I would just put up with it but try to do so in a way that you are not too emotionally invested and you have low expectations. |
Anonymous
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Could he reasonably spin this that you are also not following up?
Bro: "hey wanna come to dinner Saturday?" You: "YES, I'd love that, what time?" Bro: silence you: also silence Scene? Or do you respond after a day and say "Hey, I'm planning on coming for dinner, maybe at 6? Does that work?" I realize hounding him isn't great, but maybe just assume plans are on and make it VERY clear they are the ones who dropped the ball. So, more like ask for a response CHANGING the plan, not confirming the plan. "I'll see you Saturday at 6pm, I'll bring some wine. Excited to see you!" Then it's on him to say no to that. Which is sounds like he won't do. |
Anonymous
| Why not share with your brother how much it hurts you when you are let down repeatedly ? |
Anonymous
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My cousin is like this.
She's one of many creative, artistic people in my family. Add to that a touch of spectrum, and that is her. I'm always glad to hear from her, but I don't expect anything. She makes plans and i go along, but I don't expect plans to pan out. She's always been like this. |
Anonymous
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He sounds annoying, but I wouldn't cut someone off for this.
(1) Have you ever told him that it's annoying? (2) What do you do when he doesn't respond? (3) Why not just ask (to things where it won't really put you out if he flakes) or accept invitations but lower your expectations, and not take it personally? |
Anonymous
Op here. My sister in law has a daughter from a prior relationship; she and my DD are elementary aged. I have asked him, quite a few times over the past 5+ years, and he always is mildly apologetic and says “I know, I know” and gives no reason. I literally have nothing else to share in terms of the reasons or rationalizations he’s given me. |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, that scenario has been accurate at times but “you: also silence” is IMO a total crock of crap. I’ve followed up and “hounded” to no avail, and what TF at this point am I expected to do to maintain a more active relationship? It seems clear to me that the answer is nothing. It is pretty damned exhausting to always be chasing, and if I “change the plan” to coerce communication it just - I won’t. It’s really a lot of mind-game shit that I’d then be initiating, no? I posted in part because I’m ready to not respond to overtures at this point. I may be alone or ‘drama’ for this, but I’m just tired. This is not what I want, but I’m too old to be chasing people at this stage of my life. |
Anonymous
OP again. I’ve told him it bothers me and he’s continually done it anyway. I think I’m numbed out but still upset — my question to myself I guess really, is how I will feel about any fallout if I just straight up don’t contact him, and don’t reply to any texts or calls from him or my SIL. I don’t want to start a thing, but this is beyond what I want to tolerate. I don’t want to keep living a life where I have relationships with people that are one hundred percent on their terms, to hell with my feelings, to hell with contact, to hell with my DC or DH’s feelings. It’s gone on a long, long, time. |
Anonymous
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Op, I realize it's not always helpful to get this suggestion, but I'd suggest a therapist with experience in family issues. If only to work through your own feelings about all this. You clearly still very much want a relationship with your brother, but are sick of holding the rope.
I'm not exactly sure how I'd deal with this, but I certainly think working on making peace your relationship will never change from what it is right now, is really important. You can't MAKE him do better. I think if you still share some affection, letting him know that you are taking some steps back, because you are tired from feeling hurt over the years, may be good. Maybe he won't respond again, which might sting. But it would also give you some good clarity that this isn't a relationship that's adding love and happiness to your life. |
Anonymous
| You just need to lower your expectations |
Anonymous
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Cutting them off is trying to get attention because you're unhappy and you want him to know it. I see why you are there but it's ultimately not the answer either.
I agree with talk to a therapist. I don't think you stop responding. I think you are direct and honest and also figure out a way to lower your expections. Bro: Want to come to dinner? You: I can't try to make plans with you anymore. When we never actually meet up it hurts my feelings. I'll see you at Uncle Bobby's 70th! And then see him at Uncle Bobby's 70th and feel fine about it. |