When is it ok to give up on wanting to be close to your only sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a huge difference between "wanting to be close" and not being in contact at all.

They sound annoying and flaky, but you sound potentially a little borderline.

OP here. Don’t give up your day job. There is nothing borderline in wanting to change something that has gone on for years, while I’ve addressed it honestly. Thanks so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cutting them off is trying to get attention because you're unhappy and you want him to know it. I see why you are there but it's ultimately not the answer either.

I agree with talk to a therapist.

I don't think you stop responding. I think you are direct and honest and also figure out a way to lower your expections.

Bro: Want to come to dinner?
You: I can't try to make plans with you anymore. When we never actually meet up it hurts my feelings. I'll see you at Uncle Bobby's 70th!

And then see him at Uncle Bobby's 70th and feel fine about it.

OP again. This and the prior suggestion about therapy and expectations make a lot of sense to me, as does the script you gave, which actually lays out how to lower expectations and inform him about it in the most low-key but honest way. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Could it be they are both on the spectrum, perhaps Asperger’s?
Or they have ADD/ADHD?
Not to say that either of those things mean people dealing with that all act like that. Anyway, it does not sound like you have ever called out this behavior and if you have not, that’s on you.

[Anonymous]

OP, yiu need to change your expectations, because it’s them, not your bother, that are hurting you.

For example, why would he change after marriage? He is who he is, but you’re standing there, with the expectation that only hurts YOU.

So decide what is heavier to you - the burden of not seeing him, or the burden of him not acting how you want him to. Act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be they are both on the spectrum, perhaps Asperger’s?
Or they have ADD/ADHD?
Not to say that either of those things mean people dealing with that all act like that. Anyway, it does not sound like you have ever called out this behavior and if you have not, that’s on you.

Op here. I’ve told him he doesn’t respond, and have said to him it bothers me, multiple times, if I wasn’t clear in my responses.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't understand. This is an invitation, "Are you available to come to our house at 6pm for dinner on Saturday the 24th? Your answer, "yes". And you show up. No other back-and-forth.

If a particular date/time is NOT given, it's not an invitation.

[Anonymous]

After years and years, just lay down your side of the rope. You don’t have to make a pronouncement that you’re cutting off all contact, but I’d stop reaching out. Just send an annual holiday card and leave it at that.

If he ever wants more of a relationship, he knows how to find you, but he should also prove to you that he’s changed for the better before you get your hopes up.

[Anonymous]

When he sends and invitation just say no. Invite him to your place for specific dates/times instead. “We are having a dinner party on 9/24 and would love to have you and Wife”. Just keep inviting. Never accept his invites. Take control.

[Anonymous]

You can give up if you want, or your could try to close the deal on these get-togethers more effectively. You need to engage in an auditory manner AND in writing. That rule goes for every event. You need to include both members of the couple. If you want to make it happen, you need to lean in, at least for this particular couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cutting them off is trying to get attention because you're unhappy and you want him to know it. I see why you are there but it's ultimately not the answer either.

I agree with talk to a therapist.

I don't think you stop responding. I think you are direct and honest and also figure out a way to lower your expections.

Bro: Want to come to dinner?
You: I can't try to make plans with you anymore. When we never actually meet up it hurts my feelings. I'll see you at Uncle Bobby's 70th!

And then see him at Uncle Bobby's 70th and feel fine about it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he sends and invitation just say no. Invite him to your place for specific dates/times instead. “We are having a dinner party on 9/24 and would love to have you and Wife”. Just keep inviting. Never accept his invites. Take control.

This is exactly how I would handle it if I still wanted a relationship with the person. Only invite him to things that are group events, that way, if he is a no show, you aren't left with no plans and nothing to do with your child.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't necessarily cut him off but I absolutely would not accept an offer from them to get together nor would I make an offer to them. What's the point as they literally never follow up. I wouldn't spend another minute putting a temp hold on my life to see if the plans actually follow thru. Who would want to live like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he sends and invitation just say no. Invite him to your place for specific dates/times instead. “We are having a dinner party on 9/24 and would love to have you and Wife”. Just keep inviting. Never accept his invites. Take control.

So she's just supposed to buy and prepare food for three extra people repetitively just incase they might show up even though their behaviour dictates otherwise? That's a waste of time, food and effort.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down in person and have a conversation with your brother, privately. Please don't just cut him off without talking about it first. You just never know what people are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When he sends and invitation just say no. Invite him to your place for specific dates/times instead. “We are having a dinner party on 9/24 and would love to have you and Wife”. Just keep inviting. Never accept his invites. Take control.


So she's just supposed to buy and prepare food for three extra people repetitively just incase they might show up even though their behaviour dictates otherwise? That's a waste of time, food and effort.

Reading comprehension needed, PP. HE needs to state an actual invitation