Do you feel bad when your kid is not invited to birthday parties?

[Anonymous]

My child just started kindergarten at a new school and we barely know any people. My friend’s daughter also just started at a new school and she has been invited to multiple play dates and birthday parties. I don’t know why this makes me feel bad. School has only been in session for a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

You'll be sick of it all soon enough. Enjoy the down time.

[Anonymous]

I thought you were complaining about parties taking place for friends of your kid, but you're comparing to the social calendar of a child at a different school? Take a few deep breaths.

Have you invited anyone to a play date yet? That might be where to start, so you can focus on actual social opportunities rather than imagined ones.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You can't take it personally. Different schools/areas have different birthday-party practices in terms of how many kids are invited, whether the whole class is invited -- not to mention, you don't know when her classmates' birthdays even are!

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the culture of the school and the nature of the party. I have kids in 3rd and K, so my older son has transitioned out of the age of whole class parties. Kids also have distinct likes and dislikes - even in 1st grade it was clear that some kids are just not my son’s cup of tea, nor he to them. I don’t feel bad when he doesn’t get invited because he doesn’t feel bad. He could only have 8 kids at his BD this summer because of the activity he chose - so he understands how tough it is to choose only a few kids.

I would only feel bad if there was clear exclusion going on AND it was being flaunted in front of the kid. If the other 7 kids on the soccer team had a sleep over or went to a DC United game together and then were all talking about it in front of him, that would make me sad. If 1 kid on the team has 1-2 kids over for a play date after a game, I don’t care. There are 5 more kids who also were not invited.

Play dates in K are not a big thing in my neighborhood because the kids play at extended day together. The kids who have a parent home in the afternoon and come straight home or take the bus seem to have play dates with each other. Kids see each other at sports and activities. We have kids on our street that my kids can play with without scheduling or parent coordination. I am not initiating any play dates unless my kids ask for a child by name.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually relieved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually relieved

I say hallelujah

[Anonymous]

No it doesn’t bother me at all. My child seems totally unbothered by which birthday and play dates they are or aren’t invited to as well.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad if my kid feels bad. Last year there were several kids who did smaller parties and she was not invited but the kids talked about them at school so she felt left out.

But if my kid doesn't care or is unaware, it doesn't matter to me -- I'm not dying to go to more kids birthday parties. Also, as they get older and we stop doing all class parties (Hallelujah!), you get into the issue of reciprocating invitations, and it's honestly easier if your kid is mostly just invited to parties for kids she's actually friends with instead of to every single party. Because then when it's your kid's turn, if you want to do a smaller party with just 5-6 kids but you've been invited to additional parties for kids your kid doesn't even know that well, then you wind up having to do a big party anyway so as not to seem like you're trying to exclude anyone.

I hate throwing large birthday parties for children, if you can't tell. I would be totally happy if kids just did parties at school with friends and then celebrated at home with family and maybe one or two very close friends. The thing where everyone is always invited to everything is hard on families, especially those of us with small homes and who are maybe not very extroverted.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You never know the real dynamics of the friendship from the eyes of the other person, plus all the social constraints they're under.

My DD's best friend didn't invite her to a birthday party one year because she wound up having to invite three cousins who happened to be in town, and there was a guest limit. Things happen. She got invited each year since.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I have friends whose kids are always busy with play dates and parties but my kids rarely get invited to play dates/parties (we host play dates but people rarely reciprocate). You’re just a few weeks into the year though so I think some invitations will come (more likely to have full class birthday party in K).

Doesn’t hurt to initiate play dates but don’t force it. Give your kid time to start getting to know classmates and then ask teacher if your kid gets along with any particular kid. And rest assured that gradually your kid will get to know the other kids and find friends. It just may be with families that don’t often/ever host!

[Anonymous]

Yes but wouldn't admit it out loud. I understand logically but it still stings a little.

[Anonymous]

It bothered me in K. We were at a focus school and to be honest I just don’t think many kids had parties. Myfriends kids at a wealthier school were always getting invited to parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It bothered me in K. We were at a focus school and to be honest I just don’t think many kids had parties. Myfriends kids at a wealthier school were always getting invited to parties.

Op here. We are at a wealthy public school. Our preschool had parties all the time. The preschool moms would start all class text chains and coordinate meetups at the playground and we were constantly invited to birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

Yep, it’s tough.