Etiquette for ex-in-law relationship
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Anonymous
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My brother and his wife decided to separate about 6 months ago and are in the process of divorce. I’ve always been friendly with soon to be ex-SIL, but never particularly close. I can’t think of a single time we’ve hung out together outside of a family event. So when my brother told me about the split, and shared that it’s due to terrible behavior on her part (yes, I know she’s got a side to the story that I’m not hearing), I haven’t reached out in any way shape or form. She’s stopped attending family gatherings, understandably.
They have a young elementary age daughter, around the same age has my kids. Niece has an upcoming school holiday where my brother has custody, but has a work conflict. I have agreed to have niece stay with us over her school break (it’ll essentially be a long weekend). My question… if I were taking my niece in the past, I’d have sent periodic text updates with pictures over the course of the weekend to her parents. Now with the divorce, and me managing my relationship with niece through my brother, do I only send updates to him? Feels weird to initiate contact with ex-SIL, but if I were her, and my child was not with me, I’d want updates. Should I reach out one on one to ex-SIL to coordinate my niece’s stay at all, or continue with contact only through my brother? I have no love lost for ex-SIL based on how she’s treated my brother, but as a mom, it feels weird not to have contact with her while I’m caring for her child for an extended period. WWYD? |
Anonymous
| I would send them each literally the same exact updates. |
Anonymous
| I would ask him what he does and what he’d like for you to do and go with that. If he would not send updates to her over a long weekend, then mom is used to not getting them and that is status quo. If they are friendly enough that he does that, then you can do the same unless he objects for some reason. |
Anonymous
this sounds right. |
Anonymous
| If you have contact, yes, if you don't have contact no and let him handle it. |
Anonymous
| Why is the kid not staying with mom? |
Anonymous
| Ask him before sending pictures to her. Often in the Separation Agreement it states that if the parent that has parenting time needs childcare then the other parent gets the first shot at having them for that time. |
Anonymous
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OP here, thanks for the replies.
Just to clarify why I’d be taking the niece - my brother has a work conflict and his ex has a pre-planned vacation. I’m assuming ex is fine with me having niece (she’s spent the weekend with us before). But I’ve had no contact with my brother’s ex since the spring (but since before they separated). |
Anonymous
Definitely ask first because she may fight him on this issue as to why he’s not spending the time with them and in turn, why she wasn’t given the opportunity. |
Anonymous
| Send updates to your brother. He can decide whether to forward them to his ex-wife |
Anonymous
| I’d say this depends how friendly she and your brother are. And maybe not quite so many texts, but a cute pic here or there. It seems like a good way to re-establish some context moving forward. Mainly for the cousins sake. |
Anonymous
| Be careful. She might first right of refusal and do something if she finds out the dd is with you. |
Anonymous
| You’ll never regret taking the high road. I’d send your ex-SIL texts. It’s what you would want id the roles were reversed. |
Anonymous
| I would send them both a pic or two a day. |
Anonymous
| I’d ask him and do whatever he wants. |