Etiquette for ex-in-law relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, some of you are completely clueless about custody situations. Send the updates to your brother and only your brother. If his ex needs to know something about her kid, she can ask him, it's HIS weekend.

I agree.

+1. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I also would also be worried about sending something to the Ex that could be taken out of context and used against the brother to claim that he left the child in an unsafe situation or such. Send updates to the brother and let him decide what to send to the Ex.

+1 additionally, she may try to use this weekend against him in the future for why she should have more custody, etc. She will say if she had known she wouldn't have planned a trip but by the time your brother told her she couldn't get out of it, etc.

Agree with all of this. Only communicate with your brother! If the mom wants updates, she can text him and he can forward them along. The right of first refusal is not your concern, and you don’t know what she will do with the information.

[Anonymous]

I thought I had a good relationship with my now ex-SIL, but she got plastered one night and let me know otherwise. So that was the end of any contact between us. All contact about my niece is with my brother.

[Anonymous]

Be careful, op, very careful. If you feel you can’t or shouldn’t communicate directly with both parents, don’t have your niece stay with you, even for five minutes. This is how trouble starts, either your brother’s ex will use it against him, “If I’d known I’d have changed my plans, but I didn’t find out until it was too late” or she’ll use it against you “My ex sent my kid to an unsafe environment, I didn’t know where she was, couldn’t get hold of my ex, got a feeling the kid might not be with him, couldn’t find out where the kid was, didn’t find out until later she was with his sister.. if I was the ex, I might ban you from hosting my kid ever again, and I’d use the court system to do it. it can get ugly fast. I won’t even begin to get into claims of abuse or inappropriate behavior.. not saying you or your husband would abuse your niece, just that people going through a divorce act truly nutty at times.. and your first job in life is to protect yourself, your kids and your husband. If you or your husband volunteer with kids or want to, you don’t want the hint of abuse in a background, not to help a brother who has to work on his custody time, time that he knew was coming up, time where he could tell his boss “I can’t be there”. Your brother isn’t doing you any favors.
On another note, I’d be careful that you aren’t making your brother’s life comfortable. He could have found a sitter or told his work he couldn’t work that weekend. He could have at least made you feel confident that his ex wouldn’t go nuts on you.. you shouldn’t even be in a position to be asking the question you are asking.. shame on your brother for doing this to you.
He’s not 12, and he isn’t asking you for advice on how to explain to mom that he hit her car with his bike. Don’t treat him like he is.
This time it will be work, next time it will be he’s got a cold, or he hurt his back helping a friend move (because men who never moved an object in their lives suddenly have friends that need help moving once they are divorced) then he’ll get a girlfriend who “needs a weekend away”, then he’ll get remarried and they will need a honeymoon, before you know it, you’ll be doing all the mom tasks but with no parental rights. You won’t be paid back for things like food because “you’re bean counting over a sandwich!”
Your niece may be lovely person. Your brother may be a lovely guy. Be nice to them when you see them. Don’t slide into the role of backup mommy.
Finally, be very mindful of anything your brother tells you about his ex. Maybe she’s nasty. I can assure though that had he still been married, you’d not havt be agreeing to host your niece for a long weekend. People tend to treat divorce like an illness especially when they have brothers. If your brother is dumping your niece off on you (and that is indeed what he’s doing) know that you are caring for her with the support of your husband. He’s there to give you a hug, smile at you, help with physical and emotional tasks, none of the things your brother provided to his wife when he “had to work”. It can be incredibly depressing to parent solo when you are married to someone who behaves as your brother is.. you of course love your kid, but that love doesn’t make up for the fact that you are married to someone who for whatever reason just isn’t there.. no planning and looking forward to events, no shared moments, nothing. My husband and I were talking about what we want to do this Friday. We have different ideas, whatever we do, we’ll be together. I wanted to go out.. either just us or as a family, he doesn’t, and in thinking about this, either way we’ll be together. That is incredibly comforting to know that I won’t be doing whatever solo during prime family time. Your brother is ditching his kid during prime family time, something I can guarantee you he did to his ex. Your brother is doing to you what he did to his now ex, but for her it was far lonelier and she couldn’t just say no like you can. Your brother is essentially passing the buck on his custody time. His ex may have behaved badly, but she isn’t doing that. At least she scheduled her vacation during a time when she isn’t scheduled to have her child, and she shouldn’t have to cancel because her ex has something else he’d prefer to be doing. Part of why people divorce is so they can have planned adult time. Keep this in mind going forward.