How to handle aging parents with a bad marriage?

[Anonymous]

They’re the same age. Both 75, but my dad is in excellent health and my mom has a ton of medical issues including diabetes which she refuses to manage. They’ve never had a healthy marriage and now it’s coming to a head because he’s in a caregiver role (which she fights). She refuses to wear her medical alert necklace, use a cane, check her blood sugar, etc.
How involved should I be? How much should I expect of my dad?

[Anonymous]

Has your dad asked for help?

[Anonymous]

I lived this, but dad had all the needs and they were at eachother's throats. I made a BIG mistake trying to rescue and make everyone happy. I would try to get a trained professional involved like a geriatric social worker. This person can assess BOTH their needs and help find services. Dad may benefit from mom going to a day program now and then where there are trained professionals to look out for mom, peers to interact with and he gets a break without aides in the home. Do not get dragged into their dysfunction. Just remind them the geriatric social worker is the best one to vent to because she/he is trained to help.

Also, your priority is to make sure nobody is a danger to society. You cannot save them from themselves. I learned that here and in books.If mom at age 75 has the cognitive capacity to decide she is done with diabetes management and she wants to eat cupcakes, it's her choice. If she refuses a cane (EVERYONE refuses the cane-been there done that) and she falls, it was her choice.

Honestly this is going to sound awful, but having been through this and still living through this with a surviving parent, I would much rather die on my terms before I decline into the hell of Alzheimers.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mom would like to move into independent living?

[Anonymous]

Make sure their safety needs are being met but otherwise stay out of their marriage.

Nothing you’re seeing is new to them. Not even close. They’ve been having the same arguments for longer than you’ve been alive. This is just the most recent iteration, and for many older couples, there’s something comforting about that predictability and familiarity - even if it’s mostly negative!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure their safety needs are being met but otherwise stay out of their marriage.

Nothing you’re seeing is new to them. Not even close. They’ve been having the same arguments for longer than you’ve been alive. This is just the most recent iteration, and for many older couples, there’s something comforting about that predictability and familiarity - even if it’s mostly negative!

This is so true and OP I wanted to add something else which may be unique to my family. I always thought my parents hated conflict and as they aged I wanted to somehow make it all OK. After dad passed my mother became highly combative with ME. I am not a fight person. My husband and I came from volatile homes with screaming so we discuss and work through and try to resolve, we don't pick fights. In therapy I realized my mom craved conflict like a drug. She was picking fights all over the place and anyone who took a bit back she got caught up in the drama telling us about this person who had the nerve to argue with her. When she told me about other people's conflicts it was like she was intoxicated getting into the drama. All these years I thought she disliked the fdysfunction, but it's all she knows and it makes her feel alive.

Let them do their thing no matter how unpleasant it seems and don't get dragged into the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your dad asked for help?

This. If he has asked for help I would get and outside aging professional to help because these people have seen this sort of thing plenty. If he has not asked for help, let them do their dysfunctional dance. It looks crazy to you, but it's comfort to them and you are not going to be able to change it.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any suggestions but sending you good wishes because I can relate and it is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure their safety needs are being met but otherwise stay out of their marriage.

Nothing you’re seeing is new to them. Not even close. They’ve been having the same arguments for longer than you’ve been alive. This is just the most recent iteration, and for many older couples, there’s something comforting about that predictability and familiarity - even if it’s mostly negative!

+1, they are adults and unless there is a fundamental care issue that is being neglected, it's really not your job to get involved.

Especially if the issue is your mom refusing care. I went through this with my mom, who would refuse care, claim she was fine, skip PT appointments, not take her meds. My sister wanted to "do something" but after many, many conversations and attempt I finally was like "it is her life and if she wants to behave this way and our dad is not going to intervene, we can't really do much." It is hard to see someone you love behave this way but when they have an able bodied spouse you are really limited. If she were alone we could theoretically get her declared unfit and intervene, but that's a huge step, and it's not available to us anyway because she has a spouse/enabler.

Even as it's hard, it's also freeing to just realize this is not your battle to fight. I try to take lessons for myself in terms of how I want to handle my own aging in order to not burden my kids in the same way. My DH and I talk about it to and we are putting plans in place to try to avoid this kind of conflict when we get to that age. Something I keep coming back to is that you need to err on the side of letting people make choices for themselves. Even when they are old and you think their choices are bad.

[Anonymous]

Has your Dad asked for help or guidance?

If not, stay out of it.