Reply to How to handle aging parents with a bad marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Make sure their safety needs are being met but otherwise stay out of their marriage.

Nothing you’re seeing is new to them. Not even close. They’ve been having the same arguments for longer than you’ve been alive. This is just the most recent iteration, and for many older couples, there’s something comforting about that predictability and familiarity - even if it’s mostly negative![/quote]

+1, they are adults and unless there is a fundamental care issue that is being neglected, it's really not your job to get involved.

Especially if the issue is your mom refusing care. I went through this with my mom, who would refuse care, claim she was fine, skip PT appointments, not take her meds. My sister wanted to "do something" but after many, many conversations and attempt I finally was like "it is her life and if she wants to behave this way and our dad is not going to intervene, we can't really do much." It is hard to see someone you love behave this way but when they have an able bodied spouse you are really limited. If she were alone we could theoretically get her declared unfit and intervene, but that's a huge step, and it's not available to us anyway because she has a spouse/enabler.

Even as it's hard, it's also freeing to just realize this is not your battle to fight. I try to take lessons for myself in terms of how I want to handle my own aging in order to not burden my kids in the same way. My DH and I talk about it to and we are putting plans in place to try to avoid this kind of conflict when we get to that age. Something I keep coming back to is that you need to err on the side of letting people make choices for themselves. Even when they are old and you think their choices are bad.[/quote]

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