Staying because he is a good dad
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Anonymous
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My DH and I have been married for 13 years, have one DD 8. At various times I’ve contemplated separation. Nothing is terrible but our sex life has gone from barely ok to basically nonexistent over the past few years, he’s pretty negative, I do basically all my socializing solo because he doesn’t care about social contact, he is messy, accumulates lots of clutter. But during Covid, he was the primary caretaker and teacher. With our daughter, he is positive and encouraging (which is wonderful but occasionally grating since I see little of that side), and they are very close. I have been unwilling to separate because I fear the the effect on her and honestly fear that she will blame me and want to live with her dad. To make it more complicated, I have developed a huge crush on a friend but I’m realistic that this may be more of my subconscious trying to give me an exit excuse than about real connection. Nonetheless I am seriously contemplating trying to pursue an affair (said friend knows I’m married so it will probably result in an awkward rejection). I know I need to do something but I’m paralyzed. Separate, go to marriage therapy and try to repair, talk to DH about opening our marriage (I don’t think he would), try with my crush…
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Anonymous
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OMG, grow up.
Get into therapy. Do it for your kid. Make a real, concerted effort at keeping her family together and not blowing it up. Then if you do end up splitting up after really truly trying, you can look at your kid in the eye and say you did everything you could to save the marriage. Time to be an adult and recognize that you’re half of this relationship. You don’t get to check out because it’s hard right now. Get into marriage therapy and figure out what your role is in all this. |
Anonymous
| If you are in Virginia and you have an affair, that is a first degree misdemeanor and grounds for at-fault divorce with major implications for the financial settlement. |
Anonymous
| OP, you're a mess. How about become a better person. |
Anonymous
Good advice here. The three "A"s--reasons to separate/divorce: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery. You have none of this going on unless you start the adultery. Get therapy. Work on your marriage and your part in it. Your husband sounds like a decent man. The grass is not greener out there. You really want to cheat and blow up your marriage? Yes, your daughter will want to support and be with her Dad if you cheat and blow up the marriage. |
Anonymous
| Is he having an affair? |
Anonymous
| If you leave at least give him primary custody, he sounds like a good dad that has his priorities right. |
Anonymous
| Op grow up!! If I were your husband I wouldn’t want to be nice to you either or have sex with you. You’re immature, annoying and actively thinking about getting divorced. Work on yourself and try being nicer to your husband. It’s telling that you expect him to make all of the changes and you haven’t tried being nice to him. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you could divorce and both be decent coparents scone you both do quality care giving. |
Anonymous
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Have you discussed this with him? DH and I talk about divorce all of the time. We have been together 20 years and don’t really like each other. There isn’t any of the three A reasons going on so we have hung on for years. We are having the discussion again right now if we think we should go our own ways.
Basically we have stayed for the kids, who are now teens. It’s at the point we have separate bedrooms, do nothing socially, don’t even eat dinners together and haven’t had sex in many years. It’s not even really a platonic friendship, more like roommates who are annoyed by each other's habits. If we stay together, we likely will have completely separate lives when they go off to college. So do you want to be like us? I don’t recommend it. It’s not happy for us or the kids. Maybe you can come to an agreement and have an amicable divorce. Otherwise get couples therapy and try to have a happy marriage. |
Anonymous
| 16:23 again. And you may have said it as a joke but I’ve brought up the open marriage idea since we don’t have any relationship. DH said he won’t do it but doesn’t care if I do. I haven’t and won’t do this if he’s not because it doesn’t seem right. It’s not sex I’m missing but companionship. It would be nice to go on a basic date and go out to dinner with someone. |
Anonymous
This is really good advice. Hope it works out, OP. |
Anonymous
| Get a vibrator. Cheaper than divorce. |
Anonymous
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What? How about you initiate some better intimacy and work on your marriage instead of projecting your guilt onto your husband?
What a way to blame the victim here! |
Anonymous
| are you a narcissist? |