What to do about this abusive relative?

[Anonymous]

This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

[Anonymous]

OP I have not talked to my brother for over 20 years we are in our early 60's.

In my case my brother is a criminal, sub-human he adds nothing but insanity to anyone's life.

The day I cut him off best thing I ever did.

My mother I waited and honestly I should have cut her off then too.

Just becasue they are family does not mean they are acceptable humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

Your sibling should seek a therapist. I wonder if your sibling's lashing out is a cry for help.

[Anonymous]

You need to see a therapist.

Ignore the DCUM posters who will tell you that you need to accept being abused by your sibling because they are mentally ill.

If you don’t want to go no contact, a therapist can help you build up techniques for those times you must have contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have not talked to my brother for over 20 years we are in our early 60's.

In my case my brother is a criminal, sub-human he adds nothing but insanity to anyone's life.

The day I cut him off best thing I ever did.

My mother I waited and honestly I should have cut her off then too.

Just becasue they are family does not mean they are acceptable humans.[/quote

I am older and have an older sister who was a bully my entire life. Her M.O. what being very nice then she would be really cruel and evil - classic abuser. So it's really confusing and some people don't believe that she is evil because they only see the nice version.

In middle age, I cut off contact with her after she severely abused our mother, it was the last straw. I wish I had cut her off many years earlier. If I had it to do over again, I would have cut her off decades earlier.

My advice to OP is to stop the contact ASAP. Stop feeling obligated. Your abuser can abuse you as long as you are within their life. In hindsight, I see it is healthier to cut off contact with abusive people ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Think of the sibling as a work colleague you don’t like but must deal with. Don’t get close. Don’t socialize. Don’t cut off but interact at a minimum and in a more business like way without being rude. This way you can still coordinate for your parent’s medical needs but don’t have to have a personal relationship.

I don’t socialize with my sister and never see her. We aren’t angry and don’t have any bad history but we never got along. We live in different parts of the country now and go long periods of time not speaking, not because we are angry but there isn’t really a relationship. We have no problem texting, emailing or calling when coordination needs to happen for our parents. It’s almost easier that way since there isn’t a lot of emotion involved. Also, there’s no arguing over material possessions or money. I don’t want any and I really have no idea what her relationship with our parents and that is.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a similar sibling. I put up with a lot of crap from him for years, but when he screamed in my face when I was pregnant I finally broke. I rarely talk to him now. And if I had to to coorondtae care I would keep it very business like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a similar sibling. I put up with a lot of crap from him for years, but when he screamed in my face when I was pregnant I finally broke. I rarely talk to him now. And if I had to to coorondtae care I would keep it very business like.

Thank you. Your response and the one from the poster before you seem sensible. I can keep them in my life enough to coordinate care.

My tension level increases a lot after I see them, so maybe I keep those in-person times more business like. I had caved to doing something sort of "fun" when we last had to meet. I wasn't yelled at but a lot of trauma and stress was sent my way, and I just don't need or want that anymore.

I've wanted to keep in touch so the kids could have a relationship, but I've started to crack.

Soon, the kids will be old enough to make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

Your sibling should seek a therapist. I wonder if your sibling's lashing out is a cry for help.

Long ago, they told me they did and the therapist was mean. I don't think they've ever gone to one or would go to one. If they did, that would be great. I also think they would benefit from medication. We seem to have mental issues in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a similar sibling. I put up with a lot of crap from him for years, but when he screamed in my face when I was pregnant I finally broke. I rarely talk to him now. And if I had to to coorondtae care I would keep it very business like.

Thank you. Your response and the one from the poster before you seem sensible. I can keep them in my life enough to coordinate care.

My tension level increases a lot after I see them, so maybe I keep those in-person times more business like. I had caved to doing something sort of "fun" when we last had to meet. I wasn't yelled at but a lot of trauma and stress was sent my way, and I just don't need or want that anymore.

I've wanted to keep in touch so the kids could have a relationship, but I've started to crack.

Soon, the kids will be old enough to make their own decisions.

I’m the first poster who recommended keeping it business like. Do you need to see them in person? That would be a good first step. Stop trying to do the fun family activities because they aren’t fun. Do they have kids? If so, the kids may surprise you. One of my children and my nephew are very close. They talk through gaming and text daily. Now with the internet, it’s surprising how those relationships can develop later on. That’s also why it’s good to not completely cut people off. That still doesn’t mean you have to have them physically around. Sometimes my niece and nephews randomly text me too. They are teens now. Occasionally one of my daughters FaceTimes my sister to talk.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling like this. As others said she remain distant, polite and professional. Treat the sibling like a difficult client you need to finish up business with, but won't have to deal with forever.

Don't take the bait. Have an exit plan when the crazy comes. Try to change subject. Otherwise have an excuse to leave. Remain calm. Any emotion feeds the beast.

I am very very low contact with my sister. She tries to drag me into her drama and victim mentality and I just step back more. I might give a quick robotic "that sounds difficult I don't give her what she wants. She has been manipulating people her whole life and always, always she is the poor victim. When she erupts, she is always, always entitled to do so. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Grey rock, boundaries. Counselling or therapy for yourself, because things will likely escalate as your parents get older and need more help.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's your sibling. Love him. Be there for him. Pray for him. Support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to see a therapist.

Ignore the DCUM posters who will tell you that you need to accept being abused by your sibling because they are mentally ill.

If you don’t want to go no contact, a therapist can help you build up techniques for those times you must have contact.

Ignore this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

That's the part you have to work on. Come up with an inner script. Honestly compassion works wonders. Tell yourself how much your sibling must be suffering, there but for the grace of God go I, etc. Whittle down the amount of time you dwell on what they're doing and saying. Don't take it to heart.

Honestly, one day sounds manageable. I would not cut off someone over one day or heartache. But again, you can work on whittle that down to way less, like "sigh and move on."