What to do about this abusive relative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

Your sibling should seek a therapist. I wonder if your sibling's lashing out is a cry for help.

Long ago, they told me they did and the therapist was mean. I don't think they've ever gone to one or would go to one. If they did, that would be great. I also think they would benefit from medication. We seem to have mental issues in our family.

Imagine how you would want someone to treat your own child if they grow up to have similar mental issues. Would you want them cut off, referred to as toxic, "grey-rocked," not given emotional support? Doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Redirect to tools:

“I have a book called ‘The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook’ that has helped me when I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Would you like to send me a copy?”

“I wish I could solve this for you, but to be honest I’m struggling myself. I found a good therapist, and talking to her has been helpful. Have you explored therapy options?”

“I understand that you are feeling a lot right now, but I won’t be yelled at or insulted. I’ll give you some time to cool down, and you can call me when you are calm enough to talk this through.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

Your sibling should seek a therapist. I wonder if your sibling's lashing out is a cry for help.

Long ago, they told me they did and the therapist was mean. I don't think they've ever gone to one or would go to one. If they did, that would be great. I also think they would benefit from medication. We seem to have mental issues in our family.

Imagine how you would want someone to treat your own child if they grow up to have similar mental issues. Would you want them cut off, referred to as toxic, "grey-rocked," not given emotional support? Doubtful.

To the poster above, imaging if your child was suffering from an abusive relationship with a family member. Would you want her to take care of her mental health or have strangers guilt trip her into sucking it up and having compassion for a tyrant. You do realize all disturbing people are mentally ill. Shall we have empathy for them all...Putin? Hitler? I understand you are saying to just suffer for one day, but if you think this person is going to stop being nasty to her sister and it will just be one day of suffering then I have some land to sell you with a sink hole. The only way her sister is going to get proper help is if people set boundaries and refuse to allow her to act like a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

Your sibling should seek a therapist. I wonder if your sibling's lashing out is a cry for help.

Long ago, they told me they did and the therapist was mean. I don't think they've ever gone to one or would go to one. If they did, that would be great. I also think they would benefit from medication. We seem to have mental issues in our family.

Imagine how you would want someone to treat your own child if they grow up to have similar mental issues. Would you want them cut off, referred to as toxic, "grey-rocked," not given emotional support? Doubtful.

To the poster above, imaging if your child was suffering from an abusive relationship with a family member. Would you want her to take care of her mental health or have strangers guilt trip her into sucking it up and having compassion for a tyrant. You do realize all disturbing people are mentally ill. Shall we have empathy for them all...Putin? Hitler? I understand you are saying to just suffer for one day, but if you think this person is going to stop being nasty to her sister and it will just be one day of suffering then I have some land to sell you with a sink hole. The only way her sister is going to get proper help is if people set boundaries and refuse to allow her to act like a horrible person.

OP said mental illness runs in her family. I know you advocate for "zero compassion" but actually some people are able to keep healthy boundaries while continuing contact and not allowing themselves to be torn apart by interactions with someone mentally ill.

FYI she will not change if people "set boundaries." If you interact with a cat, you have to think like a cat. You can't treat them like a dog, or a person, and expect them to change their behavior. Same with someone mentally ill -- you can't treat them like a normal person and expect them to respond like a normal person would. They don't. They're not going to say, "Everyone has set boundaries and I'm not getting what I need or expect from them so I guess the problem is me and I will seek help." Nice try, but no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

Your sibling should seek a therapist. I wonder if your sibling's lashing out is a cry for help.

Long ago, they told me they did and the therapist was mean. I don't think they've ever gone to one or would go to one. If they did, that would be great. I also think they would benefit from medication. We seem to have mental issues in our family.

Imagine how you would want someone to treat your own child if they grow up to have similar mental issues. Would you want them cut off, referred to as toxic, "grey-rocked," not given emotional support? Doubtful.

The DCUM poster who believes people should accept being abused if the abuser is mentally ill has shown up, I see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sibling has been cruel and mean to me most of my life. Out of nowhere, they sometimes start yelling at me, and they have done this to others, too. They frequently clash with my parents but our parents eventually “forget” and then act like something is wrong with me for being bothered by this behavior.

Lately, I’ve wondered if sibling is borderline. Our mother has major depressive disorder and anxiety and my therapist thought she sounded borderline, too.

On this board, the advice is to cut out toxic people. If I do that now with sibling, it will be hard to care for elderly parents. Mother is medicated and closer to normal these days so it’s not too awful with her at least.

After I see sibling, I feel depressed and horrible for about a day. They bring up their traumas when we are together. They say shocking things and they sometimes cry. It seems like they need me to feel their feelings. When they feel anxious, they call me and try to get me to calm them. I don’t want this role so I limit calls.

Since I won’t be cutting contact, I have gone low contact and do my best not to give them the reaction they crave. If I could cut contact, I would.

Any advice on how to disengage while seeing them so that I’m not depressed for a whole day afterward?

Having this sibling verbally attack me has caused me self confidence issues that I am trying to come back from, and it’s been bad for other areas of my life.

Your sibling should seek a therapist. I wonder if your sibling's lashing out is a cry for help.

Long ago, they told me they did and the therapist was mean. I don't think they've ever gone to one or would go to one. If they did, that would be great. I also think they would benefit from medication. We seem to have mental issues in our family.

Imagine how you would want someone to treat your own child if they grow up to have similar mental issues. Would you want them cut off, referred to as toxic, "grey-rocked," not given emotional support? Doubtful.

To the poster above, imaging if your child was suffering from an abusive relationship with a family member. Would you want her to take care of her mental health or have strangers guilt trip her into sucking it up and having compassion for a tyrant. You do realize all disturbing people are mentally ill. Shall we have empathy for them all...Putin? Hitler? I understand you are saying to just suffer for one day, but if you think this person is going to stop being nasty to her sister and it will just be one day of suffering then I have some land to sell you with a sink hole. The only way her sister is going to get proper help is if people set boundaries and refuse to allow her to act like a horrible person.

OP said mental illness runs in her family. I know you advocate for "zero compassion" but actually some people are able to keep healthy boundaries while continuing contact and not allowing themselves to be torn apart by interactions with someone mentally ill.

FYI she will not change if people "set boundaries." If you interact with a cat, you have to think like a cat. You can't treat them like a dog, or a person, and expect them to change their behavior. Same with someone mentally ill -- you can't treat them like a normal person and expect them to respond like a normal person would. They don't. They're not going to say, "Everyone has set boundaries and I'm not getting what I need or expect from them so I guess the problem is me and I will seek help." Nice try, but no.

NP. It’s true that she will not change with setting boundaries (and likely won’t respect those boundaries), which means going extremely low contact and gray rock is the only possible approach if OP wants to keep herself safe from mistreatment.