Need recommendations for a book addressing a niche psychological issue

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to call this problem, but I know I need help as it is interfering with my daily life and is worse around my period. I have actually seen other threads on this in other forums but nothing prescriptive and I am admitting I need help.

I am so insecure regarding friendships to the point of physical sickness. I was a Nerd growing up and worked my way into middle of the pack in high school and still retain many solid HS friendships. But then I was a floater in college, never quite found my tribe. I have worked HARD as an adult to cultivate strong friendships. And it feels like WORK.

My issue is I am convinced nobody really likes me. I treat friendships like I am running for elected office: eager outreach, keeping in touch, reaching out, keeping up the momentum. It has paid off: I am very busy and people do genuinely care, and I know this in my rational moments. My husband thinks I have an enviable social life and so many good friends! He is baffled by me. But then something will "happen" that will set me into a spiral that one therapist described as PTSD.

Example: I was out at dinner with DH and ran into two close (girl) friends having dinner together. I became sick to my stomach and could not focus on dinner with DH. I spent the night wondering why they did not invite me and whether I was being iced out of our group. I spent the next week fishing lightly to figure out how the dinner came about (I have become good at this detective-work) and figured out they met up to discuss an art camp both their DDs were going to.

Example: A close friend canceled drinks with me. She lives across the street and I noticed her car was gone that night. Then DH not knowing any of this came home and said, "Oh I ran into XX name while out chatting in YY's yard." I was CONVINCED she was mad at me. I drove by the house in question and saw their car was parked there (yes I know this is insane). I came home and threw up. It turns out the person she was with's mother died and she was dropping food off. I found this out months later but literally spent months convinced a close friend was dropping me.

I always respond right away to texts. I always make plans. I am relentlessly available. I am making myself sick and I recognize that while I can keep this anxiety in check now it will somehow radiate outward and alienate people soon enough, even though I play it cool for now. Inside I am a total MESS.

I constantly see other "groups" of friends and feel jealous, like why don't I have that, even tho DH says I do. I feel like I carry the stench of dork around with me and nobody WANTS to make an effort the way I do.

I need a podcast, a book, SOMETHING to diagnose what is going on and something to help me.

[Anonymous]

This sounds rough and I am sorry. It probably makes more sense to see a therapist rather than looking to a book, a podcast, or this forum for a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is as niche as you think. Read about childhood emotional neglect. The core belief that people don’t really like you is common. Your case is extreme in the magnitude of anxiety that it’s causing. A therapist and an anxiety med will do wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is as niche as you think. Read about childhood emotional neglect. The core belief that people don’t really like you is common. Your case is extreme in the magnitude of anxiety that it’s causing. A therapist and an anxiety med will do wonders.

Thanks, I should've noted in my post that I take Lexapro.

[Anonymous]

Practice gratitude. Optimism.

If you go shopping for pain you're going to find it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think You are shopping for pain but whenever I’ve had deep anxities I try to distract myself. Projects, long walks in the woods with a camera, try out a new recipe. Solo stuff that reinforces that you are your own best friend. sorry I don’t know any books, ut there are relevant chapters in The Happiness Project.

[Anonymous]

Dialectical behavior therapy maybe? You've already recognized your wrong thinking/cognitive distortions now you need techniques for having them bother you less.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

First, ((hugs)). Second, it sounds really hard, and also exhausting, to be you. From what you write, your brain has been hardwired with this through (something) happening in your early life, and your current pattern of thinking just keeps drilling down and making it worse.

To use an analogy: The mind is like a road system, when a certain path of neurons fire, it cuts a trail through the forest. If that trail is used, it widens out and the dirt becomes compacted and easier to walk on. Continue to fire that neural trail, and it gets paved over. Soon you're adding onramps and widening it even further. It becomes that default highway you use instead of the little surface streets or foottrails.

So you've got a highway to insecurity going on here. It can be trained out and become an "old unused road" by getting another road in place.

All a long way to say, OP, you need a therapist, probably in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy), but also, to get at what started this trail in the first place, someone who will help you see what happened in your childhood to set you on this path.

I never realized how much my (pretty straighforward, "normal") childhood turned me into who I am, and it's really helped me figure out how to re-direct my unhealthy thoughts and behaviors while also re-affirming my healthy thoughts and behaviors.

Good luck, OP!

Also I do want to mention one little trick that has helped me in your sort of situation. It sounds mean but it's not. I remind myself that I am not the center of the universe. People default to thinking about themselves, not ME. So if someone cancels dinner, it's not about ME. It's about something happening in their life. Does that make sense? To be thinking it's about me, is to be really self-absorbed. So, ironically, by acknowleging that I'm not all-important *to other people*, has stopped me from feeling worthless and insecure.

[Anonymous]

Not a niche issue at all, as others have mentioned, and therapy is really helpful for this type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dialectical behavior therapy maybe? You've already recognized your wrong thinking/cognitive distortions now you need techniques for having them bother you less.

Book rec: the dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook

[Anonymous]

You need to figure out why you need these friends so much. What hole are they filling? It’s probably a self esteem issue, and that comes from your family of origin. Someone else mentioned childhood emotional neglect. Could be that or a variation. The way you get to that is work on how you felt about your parents and whoever was living in your house/close to you from 0-18. You can learn techniques for retraining your brain, but it won’t ever be work completely to your satisfaction unless you do the healing work from childhood stuff. You have to go back to your home environment and explore why you were a nerd and what made middle school so hard and really face the hard emotions that might come up.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think your situation sounds niche; I think it’s sounds like anxiety. I think you’ll be a lot happier and able to enjoy your relationships if you find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Also, I might add, doing some sort of group therapy might be helpful for this specific issue, since it is about friends. It is really hard to do the healing journey alone when the panic is about how other people think of you (or your projections). You need real live people speaking the truth into your life to help transform your habitual mindset. Group work would also make this less of a secret for you and that alone would diminish the power anxiety has over you. Any good therapist should have a rec for group work, once you narrow down the kind of issue you are working on.

Another word you could also look into is “hyper vigilance”. I just reread your post and that term came to mind. Anxiety is sometimes too general of a term and it’s hard to relate to.

[Anonymous]

What if two of your friends actually just made dinner plans without you?

What if somebody did cancel plans with you because they just didn't feel like it.

What if?

Really answer that question.

Possible answer: That would hurt my feelings.

What if your feelings are hurt over the dinner or cancelation, then what?

--- Then I might throw up.

What if you throw up?

--- I won't feel well for an hour.

What if you feel unwell for an hour?

--- I guess not a big deal.

SEE? You are scared to death of a boogeyman that doesn't exist. Even if these ladies turn on you, then they aren't friends, they are foe, and who wants a frenemy or foe? Not me. I'd say let the door hit your ass on the way out!

[Anonymous]

Also, start making positive excuses in your head. Those excuses are actually going to be the most likely facts. Ask yourself what are other possibilities.

- They met for dinner without you. What are the possibilities? The positive ones? List those in your head. Not negative ones. Stop assuming the worst. Assume the best a little more.