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[quote=Anonymous]I don't know what to call this problem, but I know I need help as it is interfering with my daily life and is worse around my period. I have actually seen other threads on this in other forums but nothing prescriptive and I am admitting I need help.

I am so insecure regarding friendships to the point of physical sickness. I was a Nerd growing up and worked my way into middle of the pack in high school and still retain many solid HS friendships. But then I was a floater in college, never quite found my tribe. I have worked HARD as an adult to cultivate strong friendships. And it feels like WORK.

My issue is I am convinced nobody really likes me. I treat friendships like I am running for elected office: eager outreach, keeping in touch, reaching out, keeping up the momentum. It has paid off: I am very busy and people do genuinely care, and I know this in my rational moments. My husband thinks I have an enviable social life and so many good friends! He is baffled by me. But then something will "happen" that will set me into a spiral that one therapist described as PTSD.

Example: I was out at dinner with DH and ran into two close (girl) friends having dinner together. I became sick to my stomach and could not focus on dinner with DH. I spent the night wondering why they did not invite me and whether I was being iced out of our group. I spent the next week fishing lightly to figure out how the dinner came about (I have become good at this detective-work) and figured out they met up to discuss an art camp both their DDs were going to.

Example: A close friend canceled drinks with me. She lives across the street and I noticed her car was gone that night. Then DH not knowing any of this came home and said, "Oh I ran into XX name while out chatting in  YY's yard." I was CONVINCED she was mad at me. I drove by the house in question and saw their car was parked there (yes I know this is insane). I came home and threw up. It turns out the person she was with's mother died and she was dropping food off. I found this out months later but literally spent months convinced a close friend was dropping me.

I always respond right away to texts. I always make plans. I am relentlessly available. I am making myself sick and I recognize that while I can keep this anxiety in check now it will somehow radiate outward and alienate people soon enough, even though I play it cool for now. Inside I am a total MESS.

I constantly see other "groups" of friends and feel jealous, like why don't I have that, even tho DH says I do. I feel like I carry the stench of dork around with me and nobody WANTS to make an effort the way I do.

I need a podcast, a book, SOMETHING to diagnose what is going on and something to help me. [/quote]

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