How to embrace a loss of a loved parent?

[Anonymous]

I heard you have to embrace it. I don’t understand how can it be done…
At least I can function fine now that nine months have passed. But I think of my father every single day. And I am deeply sad he is gone. What does it mean - embrace the loss? How do you find peace with it? I am all round rational except for losing my dad even as it was natural causes and perfect departure in a way. Instant. But I miss him so bad. It’s meaningless to find a meaning.

[Anonymous]

It means allow yourself to grieve, no matter for how long. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I've never heard it put that way and do not embrace it (lost mom about a year ago).

Have you done grief therapy? It is really helpful. I also got lots out of group grief therapy (other people who lost a parent) although it can be very sad to hear about the loss of others.

I'm sure you'll hear from people who can express themselves nicely to explain what "embracing" could mean for you, but I don't care for the term in this context.

Speaking of embracing, and not quite related, I was affectionate with my mom and I do visualize embracing her at times. It is comforting.

[Anonymous]

After my mom died (father had already been gone for years) I found it was helpful to devote a certain part of the day to thinking of her. During those few minutes I did nothing else but focus on that.

I took about 5 minutes every morning before work and I quietly sat with my coffee, looked out over the yard/trees and just thought about her, how much I missed her, and good memories.

After those few minutes I felt better equipped to go back out in the world and back to my normal day since I had devoted that time to my loss.

Maybe this will work for you? Whatever you do find that works, I wish you the best in your journey through this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Nice replies. I lost my mom, also suddenly so she was in no pain, about 5 months ago. Have nothing poignant but I am so sorry for your loss and I will follow this thread.

[Anonymous]

I think the idea is to embrace the natural order of things. To recognize that your loss, while real and meaningful, is also inevitable and shared by almost everyone eventually. The unique tragedy is to be a parent who outlives your children, an unnatural loss only some people have.

I find it useful to try and zoom out as much as possible. It’s easy to zoom in on this moment and this grief, but try to imagine the following: your father mourning the loss of his father. Your grandfather mourning the loss of his father. Your great-grandfather mourning the loss of his father. If you can, you may even imagine your children mourning you. There is sadness in all of this, of course. But it is also the way of things. The fortunate among us (and it sounds like your dad was fortunate in this way) live meaningful lives in between their birth and their death. And death lends those lives greater meaning because it reminds us that life is precious.

Another thing you can embrace is that you now occupy a role in your family that your father previously held, as an elder. You have learned from him how to care for and support younger generations, and if you embrace that role, you become part of his legacy even as you build your own.

[Anonymous]

I think "embrace" is not the ideal word but I can't think of one that might explain better.

This may not help you at all, but I find it helpful to look to for signs that my dad is with me in spirit. I read white butterflies can be a sign and I am constantly having white butterflies come right up me, circle me and even occasionally land on me. It makes me smile. Now before you people who haven't lost a loved one tell me they are moths and they do this to everyone-just let a gal have her delusions because they bring me comfort and they aren't harming anyone .

Also sometimes I will get a piece of unexpected good news and then a random photo of dad is there. Sometimes it's one I recall placing on a shelf in a frame and I happen to glance there without doing it on purpose, but other times I don't even know how it got there and it's unframed and just sitting there.

My kids will often talk about an accomplishment in school or sports and will automatically say that grandpa must be so proud.

It helps that my dad had a horrible decline and at the end he could not walk, talk, feed himself, etc and he was in diapers. He wanted to pass and we knew he no longer suffered. My memories and possible delusions are all of him before all that and so i get the best of both worlds. I no longer see him suffer and we get him back in his best state.

[Anonymous]

Yes look for the signs. I lost my dad7 years ago and I think of him daily. I ate for comfort…. Do not recommend but it is what it is now.

[Anonymous]

I lost my dad quite horribly to Covid at the start of the pandemic. He had been sick for a long time, so all of that to say my situation was different than yours. It took me six months before I was able to really think about my dad except how he died. Then for a number of months it was like I couldn’t think about him at all, good or bad. And then at about a year things just…settled. I thought of him frequently, but not constantly. Images and memories of him throughout my lifetime came back, not just memories of his sickness and death. Now it is like I have all of my dad’s selves living in my heart, the young man who was my dad when I was a child, the middle aged man who parented me graciously through middle school, the old but always-up-for-anything man who adored his grandson.

Give yourself time, OP. Let yourself grieve.

[Anonymous]

Hospice offers several grieving groups/classes. My partner had a tough time after their mom passed, and found them helpful.

I am sorry for your loss, and hope that you are able to better process/handle your grief soon

[Anonymous]

My mother died in April 2019. I have found peace in knowing she lived a very rich life the way she wanted to live. She was a wonderful teacher and friend. She was a devoted grandmother. What else could one ask for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think "embrace" is not the ideal word but I can't think of one that might explain better.

This may not help you at all, but I find it helpful to look to for signs that my dad is with me in spirit. I read white butterflies can be a sign and I am constantly having white butterflies come right up me, circle me and even occasionally land on me. It makes me smile. Now before you people who haven't lost a loved one tell me they are moths and they do this to everyone-just let a gal have her delusions because they bring me comfort and they aren't harming anyone .

Also sometimes I will get a piece of unexpected good news and then a random photo of dad is there. Sometimes it's one I recall placing on a shelf in a frame and I happen to glance there without doing it on purpose, but other times I don't even know how it got there and it's unframed and just sitting there.

My kids will often talk about an accomplishment in school or sports and will automatically say that grandpa must be so proud.

It helps that my dad had a horrible decline and at the end he could not walk, talk, feed himself, etc and he was in diapers. He wanted to pass and we knew he no longer suffered. My memories and possible delusions are all of him before all that and so i get the best of both worlds. I no longer see him suffer and we get him back in his best state.

Relate a lot to this post. I saw hummingbirds in the unlikeliest of places and friends would also tell me on the phone that they were either seeing them while talking to me or had seen one right beforehand.

I have never used the word “embrace” in this context, but years later I can see how my father’s death led me to make certain big changes in my life that were very beneficial and in a lot of ways I became the person he saw in me but that I never recognized in myself. I also learned the very hard lesson of how to love myself unconditionally without dad around to do that. That is nothing short of a miracle. I hope everyone can find the strange gifts that life’s fiercest challenges can bring.

[Anonymous]

I personally hate that phrase. It doesn’t resonate with me and that’s ok. You grow with your grief. It never goes away, but it does change. It ebbs and flows, it does not adhere to timelines. Be gentle with yourself. Grief meand you truly loved.

[Anonymous]

Everyone grieves in their own way. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need. My dad passed away in 2017. I still think of him and miss him. I see his smile and humor in my DS and sometimes it is really sad to think that he is no more. I am utterly glad that he was the most loving, fair, supportive and dedicated father a child could have and he was a wonderful husband to my mother. As a result, our family is close knit and we all live by his teachings. That is his enduring gift.

There is no timetable and one day it will stop hurting. I promise you that. In the meantime, be extra nice to yourself. Reach out to friends, meditate, eat wonderful food, get massages, take vacations, travel...your loved one would love for you to take care of yourself and celebrate living and their lives.

[Anonymous]

I adored my parents but the last few years of their lives were very difficult so I just focus on the wonderful memories of our earlier years. I don’t embrace the loss of my parents but I cherish the memories.