Judgy friend- help me be direct

[Anonymous]

I have a super judgy friend. For a while she actually seemed to make more of an effort to be less judgmental, but now she’s turning again. I’ve had issues with her before. I have gone years without speaking to her.

She’s badmouthing someone in our friend group to others. Someone who I’m very close to. Saying things about her weight and how she’s raising her kid and the choices they make, and how she’s basically given up on life. It pisses me off.

I want to say something directly to her. Help me in this area because I really struggle with being direct. In the past I’ve just let the friendship fade out- it was kind of passive aggressive.

The thing is she can be a super nice and helpful person. But other times she is so very judgmental and critical and negative. I’m not looking to end the friendship. Just be direct with her about her bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

“That’s a really unkind thing to say. I don’t want to be a part of talk like that. Let’s move on to a different topic.”

[Anonymous]

Typically, judgmental people are very happy with their own lives.

Ask your friend what's wrong. She might reply: What do you mean ?

Well, sometimes you're very judgmental and negative about others and it is common knowledge that those types of comments mean that the speaker is very unhappy with his or her own life.

That should put an end to it.

[Anonymous]

Edit: I meant to write: "unhappy", not "happy".

[Anonymous]

Judgy is one thing. Gossipy is another. It appears that she is both. Also, trust that if she is gossiping to you she is gossiping about you. Are you sure you want to maintain this friendship? If you confront her, you have to address both behaviors and she will likely keep her gossip and judgeness from you. That behavior is passive agressive also.

[Anonymous]

"Why do you say these things? It's hurtful and rude."

Then she'll say she didn't mean anything by it, she was just joking, you can't take a joke, so you say:

"No, you used critical and aggressive language. You wouldn't like it if people said those things about you. And when you badmouth others in front of me it makes me wonder what you say about me behind my back. It makes me not trust you."

[Anonymous]

^ Me again. I had a coworker like this. She was actually a really generous and loyal friend, but she had an impulsive streak and just couldn't help herself say harsh things about others, even when she really liked them. We pointed it out multiple times, and I believe she tried to control it but couldn't really. In her mind, it wasn't a big deal, and she didn't see why people got offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judgy is one thing. Gossipy is another. It appears that she is both. Also, trust that if she is gossiping to you she is gossiping about you. Are you sure you want to maintain this friendship? If you confront her, you have to address both behaviors and she will likely keep her gossip and judgeness from you. That behavior is passive agressive also.

Yes, it bugs me all the more because she’s saying this crap to others.

And she is saying it in a way like she is concerned and cares about her, so it makes it harder to address. But talking about it to someone who is barely a friend is not concern, that’s just plain gossip.

[Anonymous]

As a person who can be judgy myself - the most devastating thing anyone has ever said to me when I’m going off has been “That’s funny, she only had nice things to say about you.”

Definitely caught me up short and made me reconsider.

[Anonymous]

Don't be passive aggressive and ghost. That's not right. You keep your side of the street clean behavior wise. Either you speak up politely, or you don't.

Tell her look, regardless of Larla's weight or her lifestyle choices with her kid, right or wrong, you have a close friendship with Larla, so please don't bring up their weight or food issues, let's just talk about other stuff.

[Anonymous]

She might validly be concerned.

You are validly not comfortable talking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judgy is one thing. Gossipy is another. It appears that she is both. Also, trust that if she is gossiping to you she is gossiping about you. Are you sure you want to maintain this friendship? If you confront her, you have to address both behaviors and she will likely keep her gossip and judgeness from you. That behavior is passive agressive also.

This. I had a judgmental, gossipy friend once and I don't know what made me think she wasn't doing this stuff to me as well, but I did, for years. I felt so dumb when I figured it out. I'd made excuses for her for many years. I didn't engage in her gossip but I didn't always call her out on it either -- I'd just be quiet or change the subject.

I stayed friends with her because I think I'd bought into the idea that her judgmental attitude meant she was discerning, and therefore took her friendship as a compliment. It's crazy how long it took me to recognize that she was of course talking about me behind my back, sharing details I thought I'd told her in confidences etc. It's embarrassing but it was a hard won lesson. Gossips gossip. If they are talking negatively about other "friends", they are talking negatively about you.

[Anonymous]

“I wouldn’t let someone say negative things about you in my presence, and I certainly will not let you say negative things about Jill in my presence. I am not the one to gossip with about people I care about.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person who can be judgy myself - the most devastating thing anyone has ever said to me when I’m going off has been “That’s funny, she only had nice things to say about you.”

Definitely caught me up short and made me reconsider.

Oh this is very good

[Anonymous]

"Wow Megan, that's wildly judgmental of you. Georgia's never said anything cruel about you."