Navigating abusive sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

My brother was abusive for years and molested me while I was a young girl and he was a teenager. Long story short this lead to years of abuse by someone else and lifelong trauma. Our mother knows about this, even though she would like to sweep it under the rug. My brother and I are estranged now, the last time we spoke was for 30 seconds our father died. But 12 years ago my brother had two sons and for the sake of knowing my nephews I made an effort to see them and I had a decent relationship with my sil. I still didn't communicate much with my brother and barely spoke when we saw each other.

I haven't seen them in 6 years. Our last visit put me over the edge. Sil was asking about my mom and I mentioned things are tough bc she was physically abusive and manipulative. My brother chimed in with she wasn't ( she absolutely was) and that I don't remember things correctly. This kept up and it felt like he was laying the groundwork for " my sister's memory is unreliable, she's crazy, non of what she's saying happened" I almost lost it. Sil doesn't know about the abuse.

My brother knows I remember and he knows I told our mom when I was 17. So since that visit we haven't gone back to see my nephews and I sort of ghosted my sil. Stopped texting, checking in. Occasionally she will text us for a fundraiser the kids are doing and we send $25-50 gift cards for the boys birthdays - never get a thank you and we don't call anymore.

My mom will occasionally ask for holidays together and I have to remind her why that will never happen. That relationship is a whole other story

Okay so now my husband's sister just had a son. We have seen this baby a few times and are planning holidays with them this year. My mom commented how unfair it is that I will be aunt to this baby but not her grandkids. And I'm terrible for taking this out on children. I agree to an extent but there is literally no way of achieving this. I can't have a relationship with them without my brother and I can't wait until they are grown and tell them why. Too much time has already passed.

I have a ton of cousins I'm not close to and haven't seen since I was 14 because my mom had a falling out with her sisters and to this day doesn't know her nieces and nephews. The irony.

If you've read this far. You're a saint.

My question is how to have a relationship with this new baby and not feel shitty about my other nephews.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a version of my dysfunctional family. You are kind and caring and value family relationships.

I am in my 60’s and have spent years thinking and overthinking why siblings “rewrite history”. In my case my mother (who is still alive) is a liar. She had 7 kids and hates some of them so she makes up stories to get others to dislike them. I’m one of the hated. I’m probably the most hated.

My mother has always been very mean. She defies the laws of nature when it comes to how she treats her own offspring. It is a culture she has designed because of her sick, twisted mind.

I recently cut off all contact with her and my siblings. I have had significant heart issues, some of which are directly related to my abusive mother. Read “The Body Keeps Score”.

Like you, OP, I used to care. My kids have aunts, uncles and cousins on my DH side.

Please take care of yourself. A fabulous resource for me has been “Internal Family Systems” (Richard Schwartz). I would encourage you to look into it. And check in with your body during the course of the day. Where are you holding your stress?

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to feel bad for cutting contact with people who abuse you. You are not punishing his kids. The reality is they don’t know you and are not impacted by this. I barely know my nephews due to distance and scheduling. They are perfectly fine without me.

And being closer to some family members than others is totally normal. Spend time with the people that love you and that you love.

[Anonymous]

Isn't amazing what disturbing lengths families will go to in order to pretend abuse never happened? The gaslighting and sweeping under rug is just so common and ....insane.

Your mom is trying to manipulate you back into line. Don't play the game.

I have found I have to be my own hero. My family was not a safe place. Sure I wish I could be there for my nieces, but I have to protect myself and my children from an extremely disturbing system.

A therapist can help empower you and help you let go of the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to feel bad for cutting contact with people who abuse you. You are not punishing his kids. The reality is they don’t know you and are not impacted by this. I barely know my nephews due to distance and scheduling. They are perfectly fine without me.

And being closer to some family members than others is totally normal. Spend time with the people that love you and that you love.

+1
You're not punishing the kids. They don't care. You're not cutting them off or anything, you're just choosing not to spend time with abusive or enabling people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay so now my husband's sister just had a son. We have seen this baby a few times and are planning holidays with them this year. My mom commented how unfair it is that I will be aunt to this baby but not her grandkids. And I'm terrible for taking this out on children. I agree to an extent but there is literally no way of achieving this. I can't have a relationship with them without my brother and I can't wait until they are grown and tell them why. Too much time has already passed.

"Yes, Mom, it is unfair that you abused me and my brother molested me, and that you want to pretend it never happened. That is unfair. But it was his choice and your choice to do that. And it's my choice not to spend time with either of you as a result."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Okay so now my husband's sister just had a son. We have seen this baby a few times and are planning holidays with them this year. My mom commented how unfair it is that I will be aunt to this baby but not her grandkids. And I'm terrible for taking this out on children. I agree to an extent but there is literally no way of achieving this. I can't have a relationship with them without my brother and I can't wait until they are grown and tell them why. Too much time has already passed.

"Yes, Mom, it is unfair that you abused me and my brother molested me, and that you want to pretend it never happened. That is unfair. But it was his choice and your choice to do that. And it's my choice not to spend time with either of you as a result."

4:44 here. THIS IS EXACTLY CORRECT. I am in my 60s and it took me 60 years to realize that I needed to get my family of origin out of my life and out of my head. So please take some advice from an old lady and cut your losses and save your health and your sanity. You need to make a clean cut from these people. You cannot have a partial relationship because they will continue to victimize you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Okay so now my husband's sister just had a son. We have seen this baby a few times and are planning holidays with them this year. My mom commented how unfair it is that I will be aunt to this baby but not her grandkids. And I'm terrible for taking this out on children. I agree to an extent but there is literally no way of achieving this. I can't have a relationship with them without my brother and I can't wait until they are grown and tell them why. Too much time has already passed.

"Yes, Mom, it is unfair that you abused me and my brother molested me, and that you want to pretend it never happened. That is unfair. But it was his choice and your choice to do that. And it's my choice not to spend time with either of you as a result."

4:44 here. THIS IS EXACTLY CORRECT. I am in my 60s and it took me 60 years to realize that I needed to get my family of origin out of my life and out of my head. So please take some advice from an old lady and cut your losses and save your health and your sanity. You need to make a clean cut from these people. You cannot have a partial relationship because they will continue to victimize you.

Yes! This is exactly the correct response! I, too, am an older lady and wish I knew then what I know now. Life is too short trying to make unworkable relationships work. Family is a choice, not genetics.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the older ladies on this thread. One of the things that it took me a long time to learn is just how deep our childhood conditioning is. From the time we're little babies, we're conditioned to love those who are around us frequently. It's not really a choice, it's how we're shaped. It's completely understandable/normal to work to please the ones you love. Intellectually, you may know these people aren't deserving of our love but, if nothing else, you love the idea of them. Based on the guilt, you seem to be doing it. You want to be a loving aunt to the DC of the brother that abused you. You still have a relationship with the mother who failed you then and fails you now. There's nothing wrong with you. Even if you can overcome your childhood conditioning, you can still feel bad even though you shouldn't. You're a loving person.

So, in short, I echo the PPs that said your brother's children will not miss you. Focus your energies on positive relationships that feed your soul, not those who step on it. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Man, this is coming at an interesting time. I'm estranged from my brother too (no contact in 4.5 years). I literally just this morning was talking to my mother, and she starts talking about my brother who lives in another state, and I started to put two and two together and realized he was there. Nope. I won't even be on the phone with her when he's in her house. I said, "I'll talk to you when Larlo has returned home" and got off the phone. She pushes the boundaries that I've set and he doesn't get to eavesdrop while we talk on the phone. Hell no.

I agree with others OP. You can't do this halfway. I'm lucky in that my brother never married (gee, I wonder why....) and has no kids. So I'm losing nothing. I feel sorry for you that you don't get to know your nephews, but they'll never really know the difference. My daughter periodically wonders why she doesn't know my brother, but ultimately doesn't know or care because she never knew him. If she did, she'd be thanking me.

You go enjoy that new nephew and be the aunt you always wanted to be. And do not feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing as my brother was my paternal grandfather’s namesake and my parent’s chosen one. I left home at 18. I spoke to my mother 3 times since 1989, the last in 2010, and she died in 2020. I did not attend the services. (My father died in 1995).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing as my brother was my paternal grandfather’s namesake and my parent’s chosen one. I left home at 18. I spoke to my mother 3 times since 1989, the last in 2010, and she died in 2020. I did not attend the services. (My father died in 1995).

I am so sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing as my brother was my paternal grandfather’s namesake and my parent’s chosen one. I left home at 18. I spoke to my mother 3 times since 1989, the last in 2010, and she died in 2020. I did not attend the services. (My father died in 1995).

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Me, too. I hope you're in a good place and have the life and love you deserve. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I have PTSD, anxiety and depression from childhood molestation, emotional neglect, and being hit with hands and belts. I've been in therapy for several years now and learning to deal with the guilt, shame, and my own survival behaviors.

Please consider therapy, OP. It can really help. I am extremely low contact with my siblings and mother and it is very freeing. I had to learn that it's OK to put my needs and well-being first and stop letting the toxic people live in my brain.

Best wishes to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am grateful to you for sharing because I am struggling with the same situation. I am low contact but since his son was born I feel a lot of external (and internal) pressure to reconnect. I don't talk about it with anyone but my therapist because everyone just says "cut contact" but it's a struggle.

One big thing I've learned in therapy is that I am unlikely to change my feelingsl, but I can find ways to live with them and accept them. You may feel guilty or regretful about not being involved in your nephews' lives, but you can also believe that it's the best choice for you and your mental health and sense of safety. Acknowledging that it makes you sad, without changing your behavior to accommodate abusers, is hard but can make it a little easier to bear.

Unfortunately, I can't take my own advice yet, so I still swing between pretending things are fine and seeing him, and avoiding him. It's hard to take my own advice.