Kids still pretty emotionally dependent– will this change?

[Anonymous]

I have two daughters in college, one a rising sophomore and one a rising junior. They are both great kids. My problem (and I am not even sure I'd call it a problem) is that I am not getting as much of that empty nest freedom as I had hopes, as both are still quite emotionally dependent. They call a lot and if I'm too busy to talk more than once every so often, they are hurt; when I suggested I might spend a month in the summer traveling on my own they were hurt ("But we hardly see you during the year!"); they view my attendance at all family weekends at school as pretty much mandatory.

Both have friends etc and do fine in school, and are gradually becoming more independent in most other ways (handling their own medical care, taking their cars in for servicing, getting part-time jobs, etc).

On the one hand I am touched at how important I still am to them. On the other hand, honestly, I was hoping for a bit more freedom to guiltlessly travel, or stay home, when I feel like it. I know I could just say "tough luck" to more of their requests, and sometimes I do, or we compromise (two weeks of solo travel instead of a month). But I also worry about making them feel abandoned. I was a single mother for most of their childhood so for a long time it's been just the three of us, and their dad is not very warm and fuzzy to them.

Any thoughts? Should I just accept that they need a little more time and maturity to become less dependent on Mom, and meanwhile continue to occasionally say no, but mostly try to be there when they want me? Or should I be more proactive in trying to wean them off the assumption that I should continue to organize my whole life and schedule around theirs?

I don't want to be hurtful to them, and/but I also want them to become more emotionally self-sufficient. Not sure if the route to self-sufficiency involves lots of love and being there for them for now, or if that route requires a little more loving, "I adore you but I am planning to travel for a month on my own" and so on.

[Anonymous]

It’s a changed world.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I feel like I may have made them sound demanding and bratty. They are needy, but not bratty. When I do say no to them and explain why, they are always very respectful about it, even when they are disappointed.

[Anonymous]

I think they're still quite young and more independence will come with time. I would hope to have as strong a relationship w/ my adult kids as you seem to. You must have done a great job raising them!

[Anonymous]

I would love that.

[Anonymous]

Aw, OP. I hope my children will be like that!

[Anonymous]

I don’t have older kids yet but here’s what I have to say.

With my younger kids I learned that I was doing too much for them. I was resenting them for no good reason. Other than that I was doing too much. My therapist helped me see that I should not help them with the things they can do. Right? Like pulling on pants after going to the bathroom.

That leaves the question what do they need me for? Even my big kids need me. They can feed themselves. But they need guidance. Support. Talking about the things that are ahead for them.

It sounds like your girls do you need you for guidance and support.

Help them when they ask for help. Help them know how to ask for direct help. Help them plan the next 5 years. Be a listener. Only you can identify what they need help with. As my therapist said, save your energy—don’t use energy on what they can do by themselves; save that energy for what they do need you for.

[Anonymous]

That sounds just a little late bloomer ish but not worrisome (except for the part time job issue-they certainly ku should be working or going internships in the summer.) my daughter is a riding high school senior who thinks she is/should be treated like a 36 year old lady and I’d love it if she leaned on me a bit!

[Anonymous]

Traveling is cheaper in the months before and after summer break anyway, go then. Your kids still need connection to you and I would give that to them while they still want it.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you (financially) facilitate them seeing each other? Also, maybe there are vacation possibilities near them. Stop in for a meal and then be on your way. I bet a lot of this clinginess will change when they have a boyfriend. You may, though, want to think now about whether you have an opinion re: them moving home. Sounds like they may be the personality types that would want to move home. And if you don't want that, that's ok. You may need to take some action, though, changing-up your own living situation if you want to live by yourself.

[Anonymous]

They just like you. Are you a school teacher? If not, why can't you spend a month traveling OUTSIDE of the school year.

They're not emotionally dependent. They just like you as a person and want to spend time with you. You should have been a worse mother, and then you wouldn't have this problem.

[Anonymous]

They'll become more independent once they have jobs and significant others. Enjoy while you can so you aren't emotionally needy during that phase.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy that they still are close to you. If it goes on after college, then make sure they move out and pay their own bills.

[Anonymous]

I think it's sweet that they need you still but also see how you're keen for some independence. I have no advice. I was like they are and I expect my kids to be similar (well, one of them).

[Anonymous]

Um. Am I the only one who is going to suggest that perhaps the kids want mom to pay for them to travel with her? Maybe it’s not about you being gone. Maybe they want to go with you so you will pay?

Also, unless you are a teacher I agree it’s better to travel in summer or fall.

Other than that, I got nothing for you. I didn’t particularly like my mom at this age. It’s nice they like you. But if you don’t want boomerang kids you might want to start dropping hints about how they will be getting a job and their own apartments when they graduate.