Kids still pretty emotionally dependent– will this change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um. Am I the only one who is going to suggest that perhaps the kids want mom to pay for them to travel with her? Maybe it’s not about you being gone. Maybe they want to go with you so you will pay?

Also, unless you are a teacher I agree it’s better to travel in summer or fall.

Other than that, I got nothing for you. I didn’t particularly like my mom at this age. It’s nice they like you. But if you don’t want boomerang kids you might want to start dropping hints about how they will be getting a job and their own apartments when they graduate.

Typo. Spring or fall

[Anonymous]

I just saw a post on my local FB group: a grandmother looking for someone to keep company her 21 yo GD… who is “a bit scared to explore the city and the area on her own”. She has access to a car.
Honestly I am surprised. I did a lot of traveling when I was that age…
This is to say that something is probably changing and young people are generally less mature nowadays

[Anonymous]

I think it's great that they view you as a form of emotional support. I would not say they are emotionally "dependent" on you unless they struggle to deal with day-to-day life without your import and support. Like if every bad day requires you to spend an hour on the phone helping them through it, I'd call that emotional dependence. But if they just like talking to you, enjoy your company, and want to see you often, that actually sounds wonderful.

I think what you are actually looking for is adult boundaries, not necessarily independence (I think they are fairly independent).

While your kids are not exactly your friends, as adults they can be more like friends than they were as children. As in, you can treat them as fellow adults you love and enjoy spending time with, and will even help and support when they need it, but not as people who are 100% your responsibility all the time.

For instance, I have friends who, if I travelled for a month in the summer, would be disappointed, because that's a time when we are more likely to socialize. But I would not change my travel plans for them if it's something I really wanted to do! I'd tell them that I loved them too and would miss them, but this was a trip I really wanted to take. I'd suggest doing something special together before or after. And then I'd expect them to respect my choice.

I'd use a similar approach with your daughters. Be there for them, support them, love them, but when you need something for yourself, whether it's to skip one of multiple parents' weekends so you can attend a dear friend's birthday party, or to go on a solo trip in the summer to cross something off your bucket list, tell them. If they get upset, explain to them that this is part of having a healthy relationship with one another as adults. You are still there for them, but they are adults -- your obligations to them are different than they were when they were minors, and you also have an obligation to yourself and your own happiness. You no doubt gave up a lot of that when you were raising them on your own, but it is time for you to take it back.

They may be upset at first, but they love you -- once they see that you claiming more of your time and energy for yourself is good for you, they will ultimately be happy for you. And they will find out that when you get what you need for yourself, you are actually more present and have more to offer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just saw a post on my local FB group: a grandmother looking for someone to keep company her 21 yo GD… who is “a bit scared to explore the city and the area on her own”. She has access to a car.
Honestly I am surprised. I did a lot of traveling when I was that age…
This is to say that something is probably changing and young people are generally less mature nowadays

Eh, or parents/grandparents are more overprotective.

In the 70s, my parents travelled all over the world at that age. Their parents didn't help them because (1) two of them were dead, (2) they had no idea how to help, and (3) even if they were worldly people, there were no cell phones or internet to facilitate assistance. So my parents just figured it out. I am certain they were often scared and confused, because I've heard the stories. That's normal. Back then, it was pretty typical for most people to venture little beyond their hometowns. Traveling abroad, unless you were wealthy and could afford certain comforts and protections, was considered very brave and somewhat dangerous. My parents when places like Thailand, India, Argentina, the Middle East. They were scared all the time, and no more mature than your average 21 year old today. They just had fewer options for getting help.

When I was 21 and 22, I travelled abroad a bunch and my mom was constantly asking me to call her (with a "calling card" lol) and send emails so she'd know I was alive). She gave me an emergency credit card to use in case I needed it and wanted all my itinerary details so that she could look up flights and train schedules online and make sure they had happened okay. I was like "mom, please lay off, I'm fine." I, too, was scared and immature. But I wanted to do it on my own.

Now, when my own kids cross the street by themselves, my 76 year old mother screams at me that it's not safe and criticizes my parenting. They are 14 and 11.

It's not "kids today." My mom has an extremely different attitude about independence and what parents owe their children now than she did when she herself was young. Kids are the same as they've ever been. Parents and grandparents have changed a lot and are much more risk averse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just saw a post on my local FB group: a grandmother looking for someone to keep company her 21 yo GD… who is “a bit scared to explore the city and the area on her own”. She has access to a car.
Honestly I am surprised. I did a lot of traveling when I was that age…
This is to say that something is probably changing and young people are generally less mature nowadays

When I was 23 I moved to my grandfather's condo from my parents' house in another state. I literally had to call my mother and ask her to tell my grandpa he had to let me use the stove and oven. Even after I pointed out to him my mom was a married woman at 19 and SHE taught me how to cook and I'd been using the stove and oven since I was six, he still tried to tell me I couldn't use them. He also, when I was 27, tried to tell me HOW to pay a driver who was taking me to an airport (and he was wrong). I'm surprised the 21 yr old isn't embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

OP: If you want healthy and well adjusted young adult children help them through this process. They are not yet adults. Your job is not over. Your children are at very pivotal points in their life.

Be positive and build them up.

[Anonymous]

but you don't have to let them move home (which might be on their minds, for after college)
np here

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't put up with it, OP. One of my kids was needy like that, so I cut the apron strings by moving a thousand miles away. Fly away from the nest or I will. My other adults didn't have that problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aw, OP. I hope my children will be like that!

+1! My 10yr old daughter is already too independent for my liking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two daughters in college, one a rising sophomore and one a rising junior. They are both great kids. My problem (and I am not even sure I'd call it a problem) is that I am not getting as much of that empty nest freedom as I had hopes, as both are still quite emotionally dependent. They call a lot and if I'm too busy to talk more than once every so often, they are hurt; when I suggested I might spend a month in the summer traveling on my own they were hurt ("But we hardly see you during the year!"); they view my attendance at all family weekends at school as pretty much mandatory.

Both have friends etc and do fine in school, and are gradually becoming more independent in most other ways (handling their own medical care, taking their cars in for servicing, getting part-time jobs, etc).

On the one hand I am touched at how important I still am to them. On the other hand, honestly, I was hoping for a bit more freedom to guiltlessly travel, or stay home, when I feel like it. I know I could just say "tough luck" to more of their requests, and sometimes I do, or we compromise (two weeks of solo travel instead of a month). But I also worry about making them feel abandoned. I was a single mother for most of their childhood so for a long time it's been just the three of us, and their dad is not very warm and fuzzy to them.

Any thoughts? Should I just accept that they need a little more time and maturity to become less dependent on Mom, and meanwhile continue to occasionally say no, but mostly try to be there when they want me? Or should I be more proactive in trying to wean them off the assumption that I should continue to organize my whole life and schedule around theirs?

I don't want to be hurtful to them, and/but I also want them to become more emotionally self-sufficient. Not sure if the route to self-sufficiency involves lots of love and being there for them for now, or if that route requires a little more loving, "I adore you but I am planning to travel for a month on my own" and so on.

I mean, are you entitled to take a month away during their only extended vacation to come home? Yes.

Are they unreasonable to be disappointed by that? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: If you want healthy and well adjusted young adult children help them through this process. They are not yet adults. Your job is not over. Your children are at very pivotal points in their life.

Be positive and build them up.

+1

There is nothing wrong in adult children being close to parents as long as other milestones of adulthood and independent living are being met. I am close to my mom and siblings and they are part of my emotional support system. I am 56. I never thought of this as a negative thing mainly because this is normal in the culture I belong to.

[Anonymous]

I think all of the above….

You are a single mom
They are girls
It is a changed world with COVID, climate change, politics, war, guns
They are away from home in college
They have a cold father

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great mom, OP. I bet you'll make the choice that's right for your girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think all of the above….

You are a single mom
They are girls
It is a changed world with COVID, climate change, politics, war, guns
They are away from home in college
They have a cold father

Yes, they have a cold father! How sad! The three of you will have stick together. Enjoy traveling alone, but also please relish their company when they’re with you!

[Anonymous]

They may feel somewhat jealous if your new relationship. Could they be trying to test who is more important to you?

Personally, I would be there for them (unless they make last minute demands and you gave other plans). Their childhoods are almost over , and you can never get it back. Finish the job to a high standard (I.e., they are still dependent on you while in college, before they move out and get jobs). You may miss this phase in a few quick years.