Estranged DC
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Anonymous
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My oldest DC went out with a bang. There has been a steady drip of hatred coming home with my DC from visits with their father over they years, which has been extremely difficult to endure. Just openly talking about me in front of our kids and anyone else who would listen, so they came home telling me things very casually that they had heard said about me that were really inappropriate and hateful, and who else was there. Talking behind people's backs shows really bad character IMO, but talking about someone's mom in a negative way is so, so wrong. Also encouraging them to do things they couldn't do at home and talking about me and our family rules like they were stupid. Such a shitty thing to do to your own kids -- to try to make them see the other parent in a negative light, to destroy their relationship with the other parent. I honestly thought by the time they were adults, my DC would shut that down. This was my first DC to become an adult, and they didn't do it. That was the catalyst -- hearing more crap about me from their father coming out of my DC's mouth. I had to endure searing pain and undo emotional damage every single time they came home from visitation just so I could continue to have a loving bond with them. If you've never experienced this, don't judge my choice of words -- yes, it was searing pain. I just couldn't do it anymore. I said my DC was disloyal to participate in that and I couldn't continue being the only one trying to maintain a healthy relationship.
They shot back with all their complaints about their childhood. Some were legitimate and some were overblown and melodramatic. Some just couldn't be helped. I was a single mom, who received no help, very little money and tons and tons of negativity from the dad. When he wasn't attacking me directly, he was doing it through them. Meanwhile I was the sole parent, responsible for every single thing to do with raising them. Literally everything. It was not easy. No childhood is perfect, but I gave being a parent every bit of my time, attention and concern and I love my kids with all my heart and soul and literally put nothing before being a parent. I was completely devoted to them. Until now. I'm not perfect. I am a flawed human being and a flawed mom. I have already apologized more than I think is necessary for my part in what I said and did, and for their legitimate complaints. They have not apologized for letting their father talk *** about me and the effect that's had on our relationship. I have been trying to keep the door open by contacting occasionally even though they never reach out, and always end by giving my love, same as always. They have been receptive. Now they have shown up, saying they want to come over periodically. I was happy to hear that and welcomed them but.... I feel horrible around them. I'm at a loss. I just don't know how to proceed. I know it's on me, since I'm the parent, but ... I just can't. Being around my DC is making me physically sick and question what the point of living even is. My younger DC have been through a range of emotions -- abandonment, anger, missing them, etc. so I have them to think about, too. My plan is to fake being open to my oldest until something changes. But another part of me thinks, hell no. I'd appreciate advice or insight from anyone who's experienced something similar. If you have a normal ex, that is not you. I know people can't comprehend dealing with someone who is evil on a banal level, but that is what I have been dealing with and this is the result. I mostly just need advice on how to not give up. |
Anonymous
| I think probably therapy - |
Anonymous
| Op, I have not gone through what you describe, but please clarify how old your child is and how long ago did your marriage break up. How is your child’s relationship with their birth father? Are there other kids from the marriage? Hoping you receive some responses. |
Anonymous
| Family therapy may be the best way of navigating this one. |
Anonymous
| You can only be responsible for what you do and how you react. At this point your kid is an adult. There are plenty of adults that I have no time for. If your kid is making you feel bad, don't engage or get involved with them. Maybe in a letter you could write: I did the best I could as a parent to you. I am sorry that it wasn't what you had hoped for and that I fell short. I will always be your parent, but I will not be your punching bag or the brunt of insults, bad-mouthing, etc. I recommend you seek therapy to deal with your feelings about me. If you'd like to meet for coffee and are committed to keeping things between us civil, please reach out. Otherwise, I hope you find the peace that you don't have right now. I will always love you (if that's true), Mom/Dad |
Anonymous
| Honestly you seem high-drama and it probably exhausts your children to deal with this whole setup. I think a break from interaction would help this situation. |
Anonymous
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Not your exact situation. Adopted child who spent years being so needy for me. Mental health issues arose. Lots of therapy and treatment - the kind that wipes out your bank account and you wonder if you will be able to make the next mortgage payment.
At some point I became the target. Violence. Hate. Viciousness. The emotional pain is real. I came to a crossroads and needed to make a decision about whether I could continue. After much thought I decided I love my child and want more than anything for them to be successful. I am not convinced that we will have a significant relationship as time passes. But if we don’t, I don’t want it to be because I stopped being a mom and hardened my heart to avoid pain. It will have to be because they walk away. Sometimes it’s a struggle everyday not to feel hurt by the negativity and I remind myself that I can have no expectations. And I have to work to see the glimpses of positive or at least neutrality. All this is to say, I get it to an extent. I have a very supportive spouse so I’m not alone and I have other kids with whom I’m really close and enjoy them every single day. The only suggestion I have is this. Decide what you want. There are days that my answer is to be free but overall that’s not it. And once you decide, it it’s a relationship you want, work toward it but don’t expect much and protect your heart. |
Anonymous
Thank you. |
Anonymous
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OP-- I recommend just being a good, open parent. Ignore the negativity, continue letting your DC know that you love them, help in whatever way is reasonable, be available.
Don't engage in drama, don't engage in negativity, don't continue to apologize (you've already apologized). |
Anonymous
Thank you for this. |
Anonymous
This is what i've been trying to do, but suddenly just couldn't anymore. I will continue. Thank you. |
Anonymous
NP here. This comment is heartless and ignorant. |
Anonymous
I think you can do what both PPs have said- continue to be open, but also write a letter. Or even offer to go to family therapy with them. At some point, their anger will subside or they will start to see that they are projecting their anxiety etc. onto you, and it doesn't help alleviate it. And OP, it's also OK to take mini breaks. You don't have to pick up the phone every time they call. You can say no, this isn't a great weekend for me, how about next weekend? Etc. |
Anonymous
| Do yourself the greatest service and see a therapist. If nothing else, it will reinforce to you that you are allowed to have whatever feelings you have and it will give you tools to help deal with your kids. |
Anonymous
I think this is good advice. Individual therapy would also be helpful. You may not need a ton of sessions, just a few to talk through different scenarios and get advice on how to respond. Ultimately your kid is responsible for their own happiness. Encourage them to seek therapy. It will help. |