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[quote=Anonymous]My oldest DC went out with a bang. There has been a steady drip of hatred coming home with my DC from visits with their father over they years, which has been extremely difficult to endure. Just openly talking about me in front of our kids and anyone else who would listen, so they came home telling me things very casually that they had heard said about me that were really inappropriate and hateful, and who else was there. Talking behind people's backs shows really bad character IMO, but talking about someone's mom in a negative way is so, so wrong. Also encouraging them to do things they couldn't do at home and talking about me and our family rules like they were stupid. Such a shitty thing to do to your own kids -- to try to make them see the other parent in a negative light, to destroy their relationship with the other parent. I honestly thought by the time they were adults, my DC would shut that down. This was my first DC to become an adult, and they didn't do it. That was the catalyst -- hearing more crap about me from their father coming out of my DC's mouth. I had to endure searing pain and undo emotional damage every single time they came home from visitation just so I could continue to have a loving bond with them. If you've never experienced this, don't judge my choice of words -- yes, it was searing pain. I just couldn't do it anymore. I said my DC was disloyal to participate in that and I couldn't continue being the only one trying to maintain a healthy relationship.

They shot back with all their complaints about their childhood. Some were legitimate and some were overblown and melodramatic. Some just couldn't be helped. I was a single mom, who received no help, very little money and tons and tons of negativity from the dad. When he wasn't attacking me directly, he was doing it through them. Meanwhile I was the sole parent, responsible for every single thing to do with raising them. Literally everything. It was not easy. No childhood is perfect, but I gave being a parent every bit of my time, attention and concern and I love my kids with all my heart and soul and literally put nothing before being a parent. I was completely devoted to them. Until now.

I'm not perfect. I am a flawed human being and a flawed mom. I have already apologized more than I think is necessary for my part in what I said and did, and for their legitimate complaints. They have not apologized for letting their father talk *** about me and the effect that's had on our relationship.

I have been trying to keep the door open by contacting occasionally even though they never reach out, and always end by giving my love, same as always. They have been receptive.

Now they have shown up, saying they want to come over periodically. I was happy to hear that and welcomed them but.... I feel horrible around them.

I'm at a loss. I just don't know how to proceed. I know it's on me, since I'm the parent, but ... I just can't. Being around my DC is making me physically sick and question what the point of living even is. My younger DC have been through a range of emotions -- abandonment, anger, missing them, etc. so I have them to think about, too. My plan is to fake being open to my oldest until something changes. But another part of me thinks, hell no.

I'd appreciate advice or insight from anyone who's experienced something similar. If you have a normal ex, that is not you. I know people can't comprehend dealing with someone who is evil on a banal level, but that is what I have been dealing with and this is the result. I mostly just need advice on how to not give up.

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