If you're disappointed in your young adult child
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Anonymous
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Do you just accept that you did a terrible job? What if you did everything in your power to raise a decent human being and they get turned around by others...that's still my fault right? Because he should be strong enough to resist that. What if he's 21 and acting like a total jerk, and you are angry at him but still love him so much? What if he isn't being very nice to his younger brother that always was his best friend until he met these other people and now he treats him like less than nothing?
Do I tell him to leave? I told him he needs therapy and he agreed to go, but he hasn't yet. He has some serious issues to work out, but in the moment of our discussions, he denies everything. I know that comes from a place of defensiveness and I am sure that he needs a therapist to untangle all this crap, but in the meantime, what can I do, nothing? I wish I could reach him, and know I have no say anymore in who he is, but he is NOT the child I raised him to be, and I'm hurt, confused, angry, and missing my sweet loving son. I know people will say to just kick him out, and get over it, but that is very hard to do and very painful. It feels like giving up on my son, and feels like I will never see him again. I feel like I did it all for nothing. I taught him such incredible values, reflected in my other 3 kids by the way, and don't know what happened. FYI: It's not drugs or alcohol. |
Anonymous
| 21 is still so young. Their brains aren't formed till 25, they're really not capable of making rational decisions yet. Most 21 year olds are a$$holes. Give him time. |
Anonymous
| Exactly what is his status? What is he doing or not doing? Did he go to school? Does he work? Tell us about your son without making it "I-centric". |
Anonymous
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You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help or to out in their own effort. Btw effort is action, not talk.
Also if there is a negative role model in the kid’s life who also behaves like this (ie the other parent doesnt do basic things plus talks back), it is even more difficult to instill good values and habits in the person. The cycle continues. |
Anonymous
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From what I've observed, it's part of mental illness, OP. There comes a point when the sweetest person, having dealt with various psychiatric disorders for years, just develops anger and denial as a shield because they cannot continue to accept blame for what they have trouble controlling about themselves. It's too much, and so they start pretending they didn't do whatever it was, they rewrite history, they deflect, gaslight and blame others.
This is what my husband with ADHD/HFA does. When things are going well, and he's only a little late for everything, he's a perfectly calm and reasonable person. But when he has a run of missed deadlines or missed payments or other large errors due to his ADHD or a social communication mishap, he will ALWAYS blame someone else, because for 50 years he's had to deal with this and even though he must know on some level that it's his responsibility, he can't handle always having to admit that he's at fault. My teen son has severe ADHD and mild HFA, and he's not there yet. He's still so patient and sweet, and can be made to understand where he messed up and how things could have gone better. I strive to develop as much self-awareness and instill as much self-honesty as possible, because I would hate for him to become like his father. I often tell him that the worse thing he can possibly do is lie to himself. |
Anonymous
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Don’t give up on him, but do detach more emotionally.
You raised him right and did a ton of positive things. Be there as a sounding board and emergencies or guidance, but not to enable or be taken advantage of. Renew some friendships, hobbies, interests, have trips to look FW to, visit your other children or extended family. Continue to also lead by example. Not sure if “natural consequences” work with these types, especially if something like ADHD or ASD is involved. The belligerence and oppositional misbehavior is exhausting; I hope he finds a job and career with limited team work or verbal communications. |
Anonymous
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What’s this “met these other people” and then became a jerk to you, his sibling thing?
Absolutely tell him he is worth more and should have positive, supportive friends, not Bad Influence friends. You and Dad should tell him once you are concerned, plant some seeds, ask good questions, then let him figure it out or suffer the consequences of bad news friends. Tell your other kid that as well. Choose your friends wisely. Don’t let them bring you down. |
Anonymous
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It's not over yet, OP. Your relationship with him has years to go yet. Have faith. Don't lose hope that things will change for the better.
Go to a therapist and ask them how to handle this so you don't burn any bridges. |
Anonymous
The possible good news is this is a recent development, in conjunction with a new bad friend group, AND he has agreed to do therapy. You need to call and make those appts yourself for him; get on waitlists, look across state borders for zoom ones, and see who can get the first appointments in. Good luck. I hope this is just a short phase or transition. |
Anonymous
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I was like this at age 21, OP. I didn’t live at home but I was struggling. I enjoyed spending time with my friends, going to parties, and having a good time. But, for some reason I had no motivation to go to classes. I wasn’t very interested in my major, but I didn’t know what I should pick instead. I wanted a break to just figure it out. I tried explaining that to my parents but they were so angry. I needed time away from them to figure it out. I lashed out at my family and then they just tried harder, which made it worse.
Eventually I left school but I had to go home and work. That wasn’t any better. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend and eventually going back to school for something I love. I made a good life but it took me a few years to figure it out. Just a perspective, in case it is helpful. |
Anonymous
| He's not ready to Adult. Especially males, but before 25 or so, you are still dealing with an adolescent. If he's acting like an A-hole, it's because he's scared and insecure, possibly depressed. Talk to him when things are mellow and the time seems right. You are there to listen. |
Anonymous
| And also, there is now an "Adult Children" Forum!! |
Anonymous
| How I would handle depends if the 21 year old is in school or working full time? Since you are on board with therapy, He needs a timetable. Can you help him find a therapist or is it all on him? |
Anonymous
| What exactly is he doing/not doing? If he is still living at home, he still has to follow your rules. |
Anonymous
Thanks. Definitely acts a lot like his father. I have tried like hell to combat that, but obviously it didn't work that well. |