If you're disappointed in your young adult child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what I've observed, it's part of mental illness, OP. There comes a point when the sweetest person, having dealt with various psychiatric disorders for years, just develops anger and denial as a shield because they cannot continue to accept blame for what they have trouble controlling about themselves. It's too much, and so they start pretending they didn't do whatever it was, they rewrite history, they deflect, gaslight and blame others.

This is what my husband with ADHD/HFA does. When things are going well, and he's only a little late for everything, he's a perfectly calm and reasonable person. But when he has a run of missed deadlines or missed payments or other large errors due to his ADHD or a social communication mishap, he will ALWAYS blame someone else, because for 50 years he's had to deal with this and even though he must know on some level that it's his responsibility, he can't handle always having to admit that he's at fault.

My teen son has severe ADHD and mild HFA, and he's not there yet. He's still so patient and sweet, and can be made to understand where he messed up and how things could have gone better. I strive to develop as much self-awareness and instill as much self-honesty as possible, because I would hate for him to become like his father. I often tell him that the worse thing he can possibly do is lie to himself.

Thank you so much for this. It reinforces what I've thought for a while now. And yes, my son does have ADHD (in fact I think we all do), and it makes things more difficult to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Lina up the mental health help. It is much harder since the pandemic to find providers. Make clear that a condition of being carried along at home is attending therapy, taking meds, etc. Address this now--it will only get harder.

[Anonymous]

OP, I actually asked for an Adult children forum to be created, because I could have posted something similar regarding one of my DCs.

I do think that part of the problem is the living at home. Some kids are great at it and help out. I have one kid who is that kid, helpful and could live with me forever but I want them out bc I want them to grow.

My other kid is the type who will just stay regressed and needs to get out. That kid has ADHD and I was so worried they would flop in college. They rose to the occasion; it's not pretty--not great grades, but they are attempting. This is the kind of kid who needs to be in the situation that demands they do their own laundry and then they do it. Or to do anything.

It's hard to say from your post if this advice will help or not. But I'll say it anyways. Get the kid an apartment; get them out of the childhood home. They need a job; supplement the appartment a bit if you have to--because what they really need is to learn to live on their own.

Think of it this way: Some chicks fly out of the nest and never look back. Some chicks stay in and need to be pushed out--but that doesn't mean you can't construct a few easy-to-fly-to perches right outside the nest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21 is still so young. Their brains aren't formed till 25, they're really not capable of making rational decisions yet. Most 21 year olds are a$$holes. Give him time.

Stop enfantalizing adults. My goodness Americans do this so much!

[Anonymous]

There’s only so much nurture can do. Nature trumps it any day. I am sure you are a great mom. You have 3 other kids! Concentrate on them and let your 4th one be -he may change once you let him be.

[Anonymous]

Is he open to being medicated? Anti anxiety meds might be very helpful. It is anxiety that drives this behavior. I think they get overwhelmed easily because they notice everything, there is no filter to separate important and unimportant stuff due to adhd. Then anxiety kicks in, brain cannot cope.

[Anonymous]

Buy the kid a shed and move him into the back yard. He’s too old to be living with you if he’s not respectful of you or your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he open to being medicated? Anti anxiety meds might be very helpful. It is anxiety that drives this behavior. I think they get overwhelmed easily because they notice everything, there is no filter to separate important and unimportant stuff due to adhd. Then anxiety kicks in, brain cannot cope.

Yes he’s open to it. We realize he has bad anxiety that manifests itself in some non typical ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21 is still so young. Their brains aren't formed till 25, they're really not capable of making rational decisions yet. Most 21 year olds are a$$holes. Give him time.

Stop enfantalizing adults. My goodness Americans do this so much!

? So many countries adult children live with family fully into adulthood

[Anonymous]

If he’s 21 and you never dealt with his mental health issues you are not done parenting.

Watch Still Alice

[Anonymous]

"Young adult child"? An adult is an adult. If you handicapped your offspring and raised them to be dependent upon you and to not be able to think for themselves and make competent decisions without anyone else's input, you are not intelligent. Why would a parent do that? I raise competent men and women who are capable of handling adult responsibilities before the age of 18, because my job is done when they turn 18. My kids generally leave home at age 17, because they no longer need me for anything. My youngest will be 17 in August, and he handles all of his business without my input. He will be leaving home within the next few months, because he plans to be independently wealthy in five years, and he doesn't have time to waste. Your "young adult child" will spend his life working for someone who was raised by a mother like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Young adult child"? An adult is an adult. If you handicapped your offspring and raised them to be dependent upon you and to not be able to think for themselves and make competent decisions without anyone else's input, you are not intelligent. Why would a parent do that? I raise competent men and women who are capable of handling adult responsibilities before the age of 18, because my job is done when they turn 18. My kids generally leave home at age 17, because they no longer need me for anything. My youngest will be 17 in August, and he handles all of his business without my input. He will be leaving home within the next few months, because he plans to be independently wealthy in five years, and he doesn't have time to waste. Your "young adult child" will spend his life working for someone who was raised by a mother like me.

OP meant young adult son or daughter -- i.e., their child. You still refer to your offspring as your children even when they're grown up. You sound really mean and judgemental, PP. I'm sure that will have ramification for years to come on your adult children as they grow into middle age and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Young adult child"? An adult is an adult. If you handicapped your offspring and raised them to be dependent upon you and to not be able to think for themselves and make competent decisions without anyone else's input, you are not intelligent. Why would a parent do that? I raise competent men and women who are capable of handling adult responsibilities before the age of 18, because my job is done when they turn 18. My kids generally leave home at age 17, because they no longer need me for anything. My youngest will be 17 in August, and he handles all of his business without my input. He will be leaving home within the next few months, because he plans to be independently wealthy in five years, and he doesn't have time to waste. Your "young adult child" will spend his life working for someone who was raised by a mother like me.

No.

There is legal adult, biological adult, socially adult.

There is no 1 definition of adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give up on him, but do detach more emotionally.

You raised him right and did a ton of positive things. Be there as a sounding board and emergencies or guidance, but not to enable or be taken advantage of.

Renew some friendships, hobbies, interests, have trips to look FW to, visit your other children or extended family. Continue to also lead by example.

Not sure if “natural consequences” work with these types, especially if something like ADHD or ASD is involved. The belligerence and oppositional misbehavior is exhausting; I hope he finds a job and career with limited team work or verbal communications.

How do you detach emotionally?