Do you feel judged as a mother?

[Anonymous]

I have a couple of HS and college friends who frequently post on FB about how we shouldn’t judge mothers, everyone is doing their best, etc. It made me realize that I have never actually felt judged as a mother (except once by MIL in the infant stage, but she apologized later and we are past it now). Is this judgment a common phenomenon and I am simply oblivious?

[Anonymous]

Not by others (in real life at least) but I sure judge myself!

[Anonymous]

It's a LOT more subtle than Facebook memes would suggest.

[Anonymous]

All the time, but then my children have challenges.

[Anonymous]

Nope, but I’m busy living my life and not worrying what others who are observing it are thinking.

[Anonymous]

I suppose but I feel more judged as a woman.

[Anonymous]

Obviously not every mother is doing the best she can nor should every mother be free from negative judgement. There are some horrible, selfish mothers out there. If you hurt your child, I am going to judge you and think poorly of you.

[Anonymous]

Every damn day.

[Anonymous]

Every mother is judged by their kids behavior every day. It's always on the mothet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, but I’m busy living my life and not worrying what others who are observing it are thinking.

This. Other people’s opinion means nothing to me. Not bothered in the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, but I’m busy living my life and not worrying what others who are observing it are thinking.

This. Other people’s opinion means nothing to me. Not bothered in the least.

I don’t believe either of you.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

People judge moms all the time. My mom and my sister openly judge my mothering. I am certain some of my friends do to -- sometimes I hear them harshly judging other moms and think "oh, that could be me." And when I'm not around, it probably is. And of course there is also just a lot of ambient cultural judgment of mothers. I mean, read the threads on hear about working moms or SAHMs (who both come in for a TON of judgment -- you can't win). Moms get judged for doing too much (you're overprotective, your kid won't learn to do things on their own, you are solving their problems for them) and for not doing enough (don't you love your kid, why wouldn't you support them better).

Meanwhile, dads are congratulated for doing, truly, anything at all. There's a double standard.

But the reason I "feel" this judgment is specific to me. I have mental health stuff stemming from early childhood that makes me susceptible to criticism and can make it difficult for me to have self-compassion. And that makes me "feel judged." That's separate from whether or not people judge -- of course they do. I feel judged because I was raised to feel and respond to other people's judgment. It's just a specific issue that I have to contend with, and I do, through therapy and other things.

So if you don't feel judged as a mom, it's not because people aren't judging you. It's because you are fortunate to have a sense of self worth that allows you to feel comfortable even if people judge you. That's nice! Enjoy it. But don't turn around and judge moms who already feel judged, for feeling judged. You just don't understand what's going on with them. Move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, but I’m busy living my life and not worrying what others who are observing it are thinking.

This. Other people’s opinion means nothing to me. Not bothered in the least.

This. I couldn't give 2 cents to what other people think. I think it's a benefit of being a slightly older mom, maybe? I had my kids in my late 30s....when I turned 30, my resolution to myself was to (a) be confident as possible in my choices, (b) not care what other people think about me, and (c) not give my mental energy to people that make me unhappy. By the time I had kids this mindset was fully ingrained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, but I’m busy living my life and not worrying what others who are observing it are thinking.

This. Other people’s opinion means nothing to me. Not bothered in the least.

I don’t believe either of you.

So? See above. Your opinion means nothing. You do you.

I will fully admit I judge other moms. But silently in my head. Because my opinion should have no bearing on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, but I’m busy living my life and not worrying what others who are observing it are thinking.

This. Other people’s opinion means nothing to me. Not bothered in the least.

I don’t believe either of you.

So? See above. Your opinion means nothing. You do you.

I will fully admit I judge other moms. But silently in my head. Because my opinion should have no bearing on them.

DP and I believe you, but this is part of the problem for moms who do feel judged.

It's great that you feel confident and not judged. That's probably a byproduct of the way you were raised and maybe your natural disposition, and it's great because that's a much more comfortable way to go through life. But I would encourage you to no only keep your judgments to yourself, but learn to have them less. Because while you think you aren't expressing them, you actually still might be (most people do not have the poker face they think they do).

And you do this through empathy, which is good for you to practice anyway. If you find your first reaction to a mom doing something you wouldn't do is judgment, try instead thinking "Maybe she has a challenge that I don't understand." That's it. You don't have to get deep. Just consider that you might not have all the information and that her experience might differ from yours. Just try releasing her from her judgment, even in your own head. It will make you a better friend to other moms and will also be helpful to you if anything ever happens to you as a mom that does finally make you feel judged (you never know). Empathy is sort of magic.