What's wrong with DH?

[Anonymous]

DH is gainfully employed and does good work (apparently) based on his reviews, raises and what his co-workers say. He thrives in immediate problem solving (meeting with customers to define solutions; product strategy meetings and coming up with solutions, etc.) but is terrible with completing any work he's responsible for. He'll go to a product solution meeting and will convince everyone on the right solution. Others will begin work on the details and DH will need to create a powerpoint or write a proposal. He will not get to it until about 10PM the night before its due, work until 2/3 AM and get it done in the nick of time. ALL THE TIME!

Same goes for work around the house. His to-do list is a mile long and some items have been on it for years. We plan a vacation months in advance and he'll book flight and hotel tix a couple of week before the vacation.

He claims that's how he was in HS and college as well, always studying at the last minute, running out of time with exams, etc. and it's not affected his life or success. DH is from another country where mental health issues are considered taboo so this was attributed to laziness which gets downplayed and his brilliance is what his parents focus on.

I'd ignore this and move on but for what I'm seeing with DS (who's in Middle school). I've noticed similar tendencies with DS who in many ways takes after him. It's worse with DS because he has no fear of failure. Rather than push through and complete last minute, he's just give up and many times he won't turn in homework resulting in grades that are at least 2-3 levels below what they could have been.

Is my DH just lazy, a lucky procrastinator or does he have ADHD or other issues? How do I find out? Which doctor do I go to? Specific names would be helpful.. His primary care physician doesn't think there's a problem but it's not like he did an assessment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is gainfully employed and does good work (apparently) based on his reviews, raises and what his co-workers say. He thrives in immediate problem solving (meeting with customers to define solutions; product strategy meetings and coming up with solutions, etc.) but is terrible with completing any work he's responsible for. He'll go to a product solution meeting and will convince everyone on the right solution. Others will begin work on the details and DH will need to create a powerpoint or write a proposal. He will not get to it until about 10PM the night before its due, work until 2/3 AM and get it done in the nick of time. ALL THE TIME!

Same goes for work around the house. His to-do list is a mile long and some items have been on it for years. We plan a vacation months in advance and he'll book flight and hotel tix a couple of week before the vacation.

He claims that's how he was in HS and college as well, always studying at the last minute, running out of time with exams, etc. and it's not affected his life or success. DH is from another country where mental health issues are considered taboo so this was attributed to laziness which gets downplayed and his brilliance is what his parents focus on.

I'd ignore this and move on but for what I'm seeing with DS (who's in Middle school). I've noticed similar tendencies with DS who in many ways takes after him. It's worse with DS because he has no fear of failure. Rather than push through and complete last minute, he's just give up and many times he won't turn in homework resulting in grades that are at least 2-3 levels below what they could have been.

Is my DH just lazy, a lucky procrastinator or does he have ADHD or other issues? How do I find out? Which doctor do I go to? Specific names would be helpful.. His primary care physician doesn't think there's a problem but it's not like he did an assessment.

I am sure he is hated by his coworkers and manager. That last min sh*t is for HS/college, not professional settings because you all have to work together.

[Anonymous]

Text book ADHD. Have son evaluated by neuropsych evaluation. ADHD is highly heritable.

[Anonymous]

I’m your husband and often wonder if I have adhd and or executive functioning issues.

You are my husband…he doesn’t get how I can function.

The reality is we function well, just on different timelines. I tend to have clarity on exactly what I need to do when I am under pressure. Problem solving is my favorite part of work. I get that it’s hard to work with but it doesn’t mean that we are less capable or lazy. It’s constant work to tone down our natural inclinations.

Do you know his Myers Briggs? I’m an ESTP and I’m wondering if he is too.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like ADHD. If you have kids with ADHD, it’s vital that you learn all you can about disorder. One good place to start is a really fun routine Chanel called “How To ADHD.”

For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is the crisis you think it is. Your kids are young and they have lots of time to learn and grow.

PS, the doctor might say an evaluation is unnecessary because it isn’t impacting his earning potential, but if it’s impacting your relationship, I think it would be worth looking into! I have ADHD and DH and I went to therapy to learn how to work together in spite of the disorder and it was very helpful for us both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like ADHD. If you have kids with ADHD, it’s vital that you learn all you can about disorder. One good place to start is a really fun routine Chanel called “How To ADHD.”

For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is the crisis you think it is. Your kids are young and they have lots of time to learn and grow.

PS, the doctor might say an evaluation is unnecessary because it isn’t impacting his earning potential, but if it’s impacting your relationship, I think it would be worth looking into! I have ADHD and DH and I went to therapy to learn how to work together in spite of the disorder and it was very helpful for us both.

“Routine Chanel” ha. I meant “YouTube channel.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like ADHD. If you have kids with ADHD, it’s vital that you learn all you can about disorder. One good place to start is a really fun routine Chanel called “How To ADHD.”

For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is the crisis you think it is. Your kids are young and they have lots of time to learn and grow.

PS, the doctor might say an evaluation is unnecessary because it isn’t impacting his earning potential, but if it’s impacting your relationship, I think it would be worth looking into! I have ADHD and DH and I went to therapy to learn how to work together in spite of the disorder and it was very helpful for us both.

New poster. Strongly agree that both DH and especially kids need expert evaluation for ADHD pronto.

But I disagree with the bold.

Dad is modeling for the kids that his way of handling assignments and tasks and deadlines is normal and "just the way I am" and that he's always been successful--so there must be something not only OK but actually good about his "methods." The kids are going to learn that "Dad does this for work and stuff, and he's fine, so why can't I be like that too? There's nothing wrong or bad about it, it's just how some successful people are."

All the lessons and lectures from Mom will not help the kids "learn and grow" out of either diagnosed ADHD or, if they don't have ADHD, out of horrible habits. They all need dad to stop normalizing his own horrible habits for the kids. OP, you do need to get him to work on this for his children's sakes and you need both him and the kids to get evaluated.

PP does make an excellent point with this, too: "The doctor might say an evaluation is unnecessary because it isn’t impacting his earning potential, but if it’s impacting your relationship, I think it would be worth looking into." I added the bold. Your husband might be the one saying "evaluation is unnecessary because I'm so successful operating this way," but this is affecting your marriage now, OP, as well as your kids who will see dad's ways and will not listen when you tell them that his ways are not healthy or professional.

If dad cannot or will not see that he needs to change in order to model better habits for his own kids, well, DH has a bigger issue than just his possible undiagnosed ADHD. I get it, he was raised amid a cultural stigma regarding any form of mental evaluation. Well, time for him to be an adult and overcome his upbringing and the stigma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like ADHD. If you have kids with ADHD, it’s vital that you learn all you can about disorder. One good place to start is a really fun routine Chanel called “How To ADHD.”

For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is the crisis you think it is. Your kids are young and they have lots of time to learn and grow.

PS, the doctor might say an evaluation is unnecessary because it isn’t impacting his earning potential, but if it’s impacting your relationship, I think it would be worth looking into! I have ADHD and DH and I went to therapy to learn how to work together in spite of the disorder and it was very helpful for us both.

“Routine Chanel” ha. I meant “YouTube channel.”

DP. I am now forever calling YouTube "Routine Chanel." Beautiful autocorrect!

[Anonymous]

Definitely ADHD. I'm the same way.

[Anonymous]

OP if I were in your shoes I’d be concerned about potential perfectionist tendencies in my child. He might be giving up because he knows he can’t submit something that is up to his potential so he’d rather submit nothing. Kids need to learn that done is better than perfect but first they need to learn that an imperfect assignment doesn’t mean they are somehow lesser.

Kids with ADHD often struggle with self esteem and perfectionism so this is where I’d start.

[Anonymous]

Totally ADD I’m exactly the same way. It takes all types to make the world go round! But unlike other disorders people tend to blame the ADD folks for their struggles!

You should get your son help but honestly part of growing up is learning how to manage it. I have a lot of little habits I do to try to stave that off but I too seem to intuitively know exactly how long it will take me to do something and can only compels my body to move when there is precisely that amount of time left haha.

Dh and I have a great a stable healthy life and help patch up each other’s weak points! While it results in some annoyances…it is who I am, which is who he fell in love with, so we make it work with no resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Text book ADHD. Have son evaluated by neuropsych evaluation. ADHD is highly heritable.

This.

It’s way beyond procrastination. It’s impulsive, lack of sensible planning, no self discipline, need for emergency-created pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like ADHD. If you have kids with ADHD, it’s vital that you learn all you can about disorder. One good place to start is a really fun routine Chanel called “How To ADHD.”

For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is the crisis you think it is. Your kids are young and they have lots of time to learn and grow.

PS, the doctor might say an evaluation is unnecessary because it isn’t impacting his earning potential, but if it’s impacting your relationship, I think it would be worth looking into! I have ADHD and DH and I went to therapy to learn how to work together in spite of the disorder and it was very helpful for us both.

New poster. Strongly agree that both DH and especially kids need expert evaluation for ADHD pronto.

But I disagree with the bold.

Dad is modeling for the kids that his way of handling assignments and tasks and deadlines is normal and "just the way I am" and that he's always been successful--so there must be something not only OK but actually good about his "methods." The kids are going to learn that "Dad does this for work and stuff, and he's fine, so why can't I be like that too? There's nothing wrong or bad about it, it's just how some successful people are."

All the lessons and lectures from Mom will not help the kids "learn and grow" out of either diagnosed ADHD or, if they don't have ADHD, out of horrible habits. They all need dad to stop normalizing his own horrible habits for the kids. OP, you do need to get him to work on this for his children's sakes and you need both him and the kids to get evaluated.

PP does make an excellent point with this, too: "The doctor might say an evaluation is unnecessary because it isn’t impacting his earning potential, but if it’s impacting your relationship, I think it would be worth looking into." I added the bold. Your husband might be the one saying "evaluation is unnecessary because I'm so successful operating this way," but this is affecting your marriage now, OP, as well as your kids who will see dad's ways and will not listen when you tell them that his ways are not healthy or professional.

If dad cannot or will not see that he needs to change in order to model better habits for his own kids, well, DH has a bigger issue than just his possible undiagnosed ADHD. I get it, he was raised amid a cultural stigma regarding any form of mental evaluation. Well, time for him to be an adult and overcome his upbringing and the stigma.

PP here. When I say this isn’t a crisis, I don’t mean it isn’t something that requires close attention and a lot of work. I mean this isn’t something to fear or experience anxiety over. And that’s an important point because kids can pick up on your anxieties and what you deep-down believe about them.

That YouTube channel (or routine Chanel if you prefer) has videos on how to overcome a lack of motivation, how to regulate your emotions, how to help with the issue of time blindness, etc. So it definitely is going to help these kids live in a world that basically expects everyone to be neurotypical. But it’s also true that people with ADHD are just different and they can’t be expected to be the only ones who have to adapt. We can’t be rigid in our expectations for how things get done. If they aren’t harming somebody else, it’s okay to have a different way of doing things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m your husband and often wonder if I have adhd and or executive functioning issues.

You are my husband…he doesn’t get how I can function.

The reality is we function well, just on different timelines. I tend to have clarity on exactly what I need to do when I am under pressure. Problem solving is my favorite part of work. I get that it’s hard to work with but it doesn’t mean that we are less capable or lazy. It’s constant work to tone down our natural inclinations.

Do you know his Myers Briggs? I’m an ESTP and I’m wondering if he is too.

Thanks for sharing.. He's an INTJ (supposedly took this assessment several years ago at work).

Did you ever consider testing for ADHD?

[Anonymous]

OP. Thanks everyone for the feedback.

For those in adulthood that have ADHD - Did you get tested? What's the typical treatment? Did it resolve your issues at your age? DH is 51.

For the PP that recommended a Neuropsych eval for DS. Where would I get that done? Appreciate specific doctors/clinic recommendations.