Use all the things

[Anonymous]

A relative passed away last week, and I’m helping clean out her house. It’s packed to the gills with Very Special Objects, many of them completely unused and some still in their packaging. China and silver that were brought out once a year. Fancy guest towels that no mortal hands could touch. Cabinets of liquor waiting for an occasion special enough to deserve them. So many candles that were never lit. A bathroom drawer full of the “nice” cosmetic, lotion and shampoo samples, which apparently needed to be rationed.

It’s all such a a sad, infuriating waste. She lived her life in service to her stuff, storing it, rearranging it, packing and moving it. Constantly denying herself enjoyment because it was never a special enough time to open a bottle, use the nice dishes, or apply 3 goddam ounces of fancy face lotion.

Please, use your things. Enjoy them while you can. Don’t wait for the perfect time to finally get to open X. Just get it out because it’s Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

Condolences, OP, and thanks for sharing!

[Anonymous]

This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I think it is also something that is done by people who have experienced want in their life. They care so much for the valuable things they have acquired and had to work so hard to get them that they didn't want to ruin them. My parents are that way with some things. Dad born in the Depression. Has a real appreciation and respect for nice things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

[Anonymous]

A good reminder. Sorry for your loss, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

Growing up below a certain level of poverty is a trauma. You don’t have to call the manifestation a mental illness, but it is borne of the same childhood trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good reminder. Sorry for your loss, op.

+1, I can be kind of like this with nice dishes and wine and stuff. Maybe I'll crack a bottle tonight

[Anonymous]

My parents, particularly my mother, grew up poor in very uncertain economic times. Once they could afford nice things, they saved them for special occasions in part because they were never sure the good times would last. There was always the spectre of poverty in the backs of their minds even years later.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in extreme poverty. I absolutely agree with you, OP. Use it, enjoy it, and share that joy.

On the other hand, it's worth recognizing that -- for some people -- the having of it becomes a gift in itself. It's a comfort. People sometimes like knowing there are treasures secreted away, and they might (sometimes) enjoy that as much as they would enjoy the things themselves.

I don't know if you can understand, if you haven't lived through the harder parts of it. But it's like having a pantry filled with golden fruits you grew and jarred yourself. You don't have to be eating them to enjoy the knowledge that you went from want to having, and you did that for yourself. You don't ever have to go without.

Of course, you end up going without if you don't use it! But you could. That could is a really meaningful gift for some people to give themselves, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A relative passed away last week, and I’m helping clean out her house. It’s packed to the gills with Very Special Objects, many of them completely unused and some still in their packaging. China and silver that were brought out once a year. Fancy guest towels that no mortal hands could touch. Cabinets of liquor waiting for an occasion special enough to deserve them. So many candles that were never lit. A bathroom drawer full of the “nice” cosmetic, lotion and shampoo samples, which apparently needed to be rationed.

It’s all such a a sad, infuriating waste. She lived her life in service to her stuff, storing it, rearranging it, packing and moving it. Constantly denying herself enjoyment because it was never a special enough time to open a bottle, use the nice dishes, or apply 3 goddam ounces of fancy face lotion.

Please, use your things. Enjoy them while you can. Don’t wait for the perfect time to finally get to open X. Just get it out because it’s Tuesday.

I have always used the "good" china and silver eating utensils. I got this from my mother who always said, "who could be more special than my family." If something got broken, it was just a thing and no big dea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

OP's post was like a jolt for me. I don't think this is just growing up poor. It has to be both mental illness and something else. I grew up upper middle class and my dad used to get us all the latest toys then. I don't know why, but I don't let my kids wear their special dresses often - looking back, there were so many cute things kids could have worn but I saved them for special occasions which never happened and then they didn't fit my kids. The latest is a cute gymboree dress that I paid quite a bit for in 2020 - saved them for a photoshoot which we never took during covid and now it is just about right fit (wouldn't last another season), yet I am not giving it to them to wear to school and saving it for that "photo shoot" which we have not booked yet. There were so many occasions between last June and now when they could have worn those dresses. They wear clearance clothes I spent $5 on all the time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss OP. Thank you for this message though some of us needed to hear it today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

Growing up below a certain level of poverty is a trauma. You don’t have to call the manifestation a mental illness, but it is borne of the same childhood trauma.

Tell her she's old and doesn't have a lot of days yet, so any day she's with you is a special occasion. And that you can't take it with you when you die, so might as well enjoy it now.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps saving things gave her more enjoyment. If you use it, you no longer have it. An unused candle is prettier than a used one.