Use all the things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

OP's post was like a jolt for me. I don't think this is just growing up poor. It has to be both mental illness and something else. I grew up upper middle class and my dad used to get us all the latest toys then. I don't know why, but I don't let my kids wear their special dresses often - looking back, there were so many cute things kids could have worn but I saved them for special occasions which never happened and then they didn't fit my kids. The latest is a cute gymboree dress that I paid quite a bit for in 2020 - saved them for a photoshoot which we never took during covid and now it is just about right fit (wouldn't last another season), yet I am not giving it to them to wear to school and saving it for that "photo shoot" which we have not booked yet. There were so many occasions between last June and now when they could have worn those dresses. They wear clearance clothes I spent $5 on all the time.

Growing up poor and having one church dress that was bought from a thrift store when it was too big "with room to grow in" and worn until the seams were close to bursting makes it hard for me to let my kids wear their nice clothes out even myself to wear my nicer stuff. If we got a stain on that one dress, we still had to wear it since we couldn't afford another unless we were lucky enough to get a hand me down at the right time.

It's really hard to let go of that mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

OP's post was like a jolt for me. I don't think this is just growing up poor. It has to be both mental illness and something else. I grew up upper middle class and my dad used to get us all the latest toys then. I don't know why, but I don't let my kids wear their special dresses often - looking back, there were so many cute things kids could have worn but I saved them for special occasions which never happened and then they didn't fit my kids. The latest is a cute gymboree dress that I paid quite a bit for in 2020 - saved them for a photoshoot which we never took during covid and now it is just about right fit (wouldn't last another season), yet I am not giving it to them to wear to school and saving it for that "photo shoot" which we have not booked yet. There were so many occasions between last June and now when they could have worn those dresses. They wear clearance clothes I spent $5 on all the time.

I am impressed your kids have a dress from the beginning of Covid that would still fit them. Nothing that fit my kids in 2020 still fits them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

OP's post was like a jolt for me. I don't think this is just growing up poor. It has to be both mental illness and something else. I grew up upper middle class and my dad used to get us all the latest toys then. I don't know why, but I don't let my kids wear their special dresses often - looking back, there were so many cute things kids could have worn but I saved them for special occasions which never happened and then they didn't fit my kids. The latest is a cute gymboree dress that I paid quite a bit for in 2020 - saved them for a photoshoot which we never took during covid and now it is just about right fit (wouldn't last another season), yet I am not giving it to them to wear to school and saving it for that "photo shoot" which we have not booked yet. There were so many occasions between last June and now when they could have worn those dresses. They wear clearance clothes I spent $5 on all the time.

I am impressed your kids have a dress from the beginning of Covid that would still fit them. Nothing that fit my kids in 2020 still fits them.

It is one of these layered dresses that I got in 2020 summer. I got it size up for the length. It was below knees then and should hit the knees now. My reasoning was I could eventually use it as baby doll top and give them some capris to wear below later. This has to be a mental disease. I realize it but am unable to change. I save all the nice things that never see the light of day. I found a beautiful vase that I bought 20 years ago, in its own box, and finally it is now being used. It looks so lovely in the living room and I wonder why I never used it. What was I saving it for? If I go to the basement and open up more boxes, I am sure I would find some more hidden treasures.

[Anonymous]

I understand this practice and did not grow up in extreme poverty. For me this is all the unloved best life I do not manage to live. Those guest towels are for a special happy gathering in my welcoming home that I never evolved into the hostess for (or had a home I’ve felt special gathering worthy). Those face creams are for when I have beautiful skin to keep up. As is my skin is not pampered.
I like the pantry of golden fruit comparison … for me that is my decent credit score - a struggle to make payments and something I’ve managed to do on my own. Ok, wow, maybe my past was more financially impoverished than I acknowledge myself. But my ‘stuff’ that goes unused yet I covet… that stuff represent the best life I am not living. And I want it to be safe and pristine to put into use when I miraculously become that person who lives like that.

Condolences OP.

[Anonymous]

Based on Khloe K’s home edit espisode, this will also be her. Storing and arranging and collecting. And jars of cookies I’m sure she never touches.

May she live to be a great-grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A relative passed away last week, and I’m helping clean out her house. It’s packed to the gills with Very Special Objects, many of them completely unused and some still in their packaging. China and silver that were brought out once a year. Fancy guest towels that no mortal hands could touch. Cabinets of liquor waiting for an occasion special enough to deserve them. So many candles that were never lit. A bathroom drawer full of the “nice” cosmetic, lotion and shampoo samples, which apparently needed to be rationed.

It’s all such a a sad, infuriating waste. She lived her life in service to her stuff, storing it, rearranging it, packing and moving it. Constantly denying herself enjoyment because it was never a special enough time to open a bottle, use the nice dishes, or apply 3 goddam ounces of fancy face lotion.

Please, use your things. Enjoy them while you can. Don’t wait for the perfect time to finally get to open X. Just get it out because it’s Tuesday.

I have always used the "good" china and silver eating utensils. I got this from my mother who always said, "who could be more special than my family." If something got broken, it was just a thing and no big dea.

I love this idea. But, I also have my annoying thought cycle if yes, it’s just a thing “that if broken or lost, I can’t afford to replace” so it feels like a risk. Sadly, even driving our own car for a longer than usual distance I have in my head that it’s being ‘worn out’ faster. This will result in maintenance and repair costs, which may be expensive - eventually we’ll have to get another car and that’ll be so expensive so I’m worried.” I think it’s growing up wi economic instability, but it’s kinda exhausting and results in me buying and not using something or worrying when I use it.

OP sorry for your loss and thanks for this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

OP's post was like a jolt for me. I don't think this is just growing up poor. It has to be both mental illness and something else. I grew up upper middle class and my dad used to get us all the latest toys then. I don't know why, but I don't let my kids wear their special dresses often - looking back, there were so many cute things kids could have worn but I saved them for special occasions which never happened and then they didn't fit my kids. The latest is a cute gymboree dress that I paid quite a bit for in 2020 - saved them for a photoshoot which we never took during covid and now it is just about right fit (wouldn't last another season), yet I am not giving it to them to wear to school and saving it for that "photo shoot" which we have not booked yet. There were so many occasions between last June and now when they could have worn those dresses. They wear clearance clothes I spent $5 on all the time.

Growing up poor and having one church dress that was bought from a thrift store when it was too big "with room to grow in" and worn until the seams were close to bursting makes it hard for me to let my kids wear their nice clothes out even myself to wear my nicer stuff. If we got a stain on that one dress, we still had to wear it since we couldn't afford another unless we were lucky enough to get a hand me down at the right time.

It's really hard to let go of that mindset.

Ugh. Yes, I too have a scarcity mindset. Intellectually, I know it’s not productive, but the mindset that the item will be ruined and I can’t replace it means I use it rarely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's mental illness for all.

My parents are like this. Both were born into poverty and grew up poor.

My dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for their 40th wedding anniversary to replace her Montgomery Ward engagement ring and wedding band. She only wears it on special occasions because she doesn't want to "mess it up". She would never, ever buy herself an expensive purse so my sister and I buy those for her. Again, she only uses them on special occasions so as not to mess them up. Her "expensive" perfume is not for daily use. She has a cheap-o Walmart perfume or body spray for that purpose.

I think it really goes back to being poor because as a kid she had 1 nice dress that was worn weekly for church and then on any special occasions. Her mother had makeup that she only wore for special occasions and perfume as well.

My dad is less prone to having "special occasion only" items because he simply doesn't buy much. He buys what he needs and that's it. But once he buys an item, he's going to use the crap out of it until it's falling apart and probably held together with some duct tape and super glue.

Last time my parents came over, my mom couldn't believe we were making mimosas "with the good stuff" instead of some cheap champagne. "You shouldn't waste that on a regular Sunday brunch. You should save that for a special occasion!" she said, sigh. A work in progress.

OP's post was like a jolt for me. I don't think this is just growing up poor. It has to be both mental illness and something else. I grew up upper middle class and my dad used to get us all the latest toys then. I don't know why, but I don't let my kids wear their special dresses often - looking back, there were so many cute things kids could have worn but I saved them for special occasions which never happened and then they didn't fit my kids. The latest is a cute gymboree dress that I paid quite a bit for in 2020 - saved them for a photoshoot which we never took during covid and now it is just about right fit (wouldn't last another season), yet I am not giving it to them to wear to school and saving it for that "photo shoot" which we have not booked yet. There were so many occasions between last June and now when they could have worn those dresses. They wear clearance clothes I spent $5 on all the time.

Growing up poor and having one church dress that was bought from a thrift store when it was too big "with room to grow in" and worn until the seams were close to bursting makes it hard for me to let my kids wear their nice clothes out even myself to wear my nicer stuff. If we got a stain on that one dress, we still had to wear it since we couldn't afford another unless we were lucky enough to get a hand me down at the right time.

It's really hard to let go of that mindset.

Ugh. Yes, I too have a scarcity mindset. Intellectually, I know it’s not productive, but the mindset that the item will be ruined and I can’t replace it means I use it rarely.

For me scarcity mindset goes beyond “things” and plays out in my behavior and how I approach my life - from this place of worry or fear.

Thanks OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A relative passed away last week, and I’m helping clean out her house. It’s packed to the gills with Very Special Objects, many of them completely unused and some still in their packaging. China and silver that were brought out once a year. Fancy guest towels that no mortal hands could touch. Cabinets of liquor waiting for an occasion special enough to deserve them. So many candles that were never lit. A bathroom drawer full of the “nice” cosmetic, lotion and shampoo samples, which apparently needed to be rationed.

It’s all such a a sad, infuriating waste. She lived her life in service to her stuff, storing it, rearranging it, packing and moving it. Constantly denying herself enjoyment because it was never a special enough time to open a bottle, use the nice dishes, or apply 3 goddam ounces of fancy face lotion.

Please, use your things. Enjoy them while you can. Don’t wait for the perfect time to finally get to open X. Just get it out because it’s Tuesday.

Was she a child of the Depression?

[Anonymous]

If we have learned anything in the last 16 months is that nothing in life is certain, nothing is really even stable, safe, protected, even if you think it is but there is no guarantees in life. Use the "nice" things today" what an excellent message OP. Sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing your experience with us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is mental illness. Most people DO use their things. May she Rest In Peace, and sorry for your loss.

+1. Sounds like my parents. Serious hoarders.

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP. This hit home - I saw the exact same thing when I had to clean out my parents' house. So many nice things I never even remember them using once.

My sibling and I split up the items and we make a point to use them at every chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A relative passed away last week, and I’m helping clean out her house. It’s packed to the gills with Very Special Objects, many of them completely unused and some still in their packaging. China and silver that were brought out once a year. Fancy guest towels that no mortal hands could touch. Cabinets of liquor waiting for an occasion special enough to deserve them. So many candles that were never lit. A bathroom drawer full of the “nice” cosmetic, lotion and shampoo samples, which apparently needed to be rationed.

It’s all such a a sad, infuriating waste. She lived her life in service to her stuff, storing it, rearranging it, packing and moving it. Constantly denying herself enjoyment because it was never a special enough time to open a bottle, use the nice dishes, or apply 3 goddam ounces of fancy face lotion.

Please, use your things. Enjoy them while you can. Don’t wait for the perfect time to finally get to open X. Just get it out because it’s Tuesday.

I have always used the "good" china and silver eating utensils. I got this from my mother who always said, "who could be more special than my family." If something got broken, it was just a thing and no big dea.

+1, similarly we use the good china every Saturday, Sunday night and anytime we have guests, even if it's just a cookout. If it breaks, oh well, get the broom.

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t get yourself worked up over someone else’s issues. We all have issues. Maybe this wasn’t mental illness per se, but it was something: maybe it was grandparents who gave her Barbies but insisted she keep them in the box, maybe it was Depression-era thinking that I know firsthand gets passed down in a lot of cases (stories about my grandmother and her sister sharing two dresses between them during college, and boy were they lucky to go to college), etc. Cultural factors, parental influence, etc. What was a waste to you might have been her way of honoring her family or even looking toward the future—think of the symbolism of actually drinking that champagne, because you’re admitting to yourself that there WON’T be better days ahead.

She held on to stuff. Don’t you hold on to her issues.

[Anonymous]

This thread is a great reminder. Use all the things you have in your house now the good stuff don't wait...