Why do I feel so bad after?

[Anonymous]

I feel so much ambivalence towards my one family member. On one hand, she is like a sibling, and I care about her, and she is funny and sweet, but sometimes I feel myself being annoyed when her jokes get more mean spirited and passive aggressive and insulting. And then in the same turn, acts super needy and helpless, insecure, and competitive. And there are times I realize we are just so different that it’s hard to talk to her and I feel like she thinks I’m weird for how I think and I think she is just hard to take for me. Half her life she is in some crisis. Her mood swings from this larger than life extroverted loud and sarcastic jokester who is laughing all the time to this practically comatose person who has a tiny injured mouse voice.

I have in the past taken her under my wing, but it got to be too much for me. She became so reliant and so incapable of making any decisions on her own, and maybe I was not healthy enough to help in the right way. Now she has been taken under the wing of another family member and I feel bad because it has been a lot to take on in terms of trying to fix her life and getting back on track. But I think they are also healthier and more capable of helping than I. But I also see that she has become so enmeshed and so reliant.

It is this general vibe she is sending out- help me, Give me things, I have nothing, poor me, what about me, how come you didn’t include/invite me, her constant fomo, and her general obsessiveness with shopping, social media, taking perfect pics. The constant want and need for gifts, things, and deals. The complaint that she doesn’t have people in her life that gives her things.

I know she is struggles and I think for a long time I was very empathetic, but I feel like I don’t feel great when I’m around her for whatever reason.

Do I just need a different mindset? Boundaries? Is it guilt for not helping her? Why do I feel the way I do?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you've tried to help and nothing works. It also sounds like she has some mental health issues that you can't fix, so stop trying and stop beating yourself up.

Set some boundaries: decide if you want to spent any time with this person. If you want to stay in contact, decide how often and in what form. But don't maintain a relationship based on guilt, it won't make either of you happy.

[Anonymous]

Is she bipolar or just manipulative?

[Anonymous]

This is my borderline mother. Toxic and unrelentness. I would advise you to keep your distance because she will suck the life out of you.

[Anonymous]

This is my borderline mother. Toxic and relentness. I would advise you to keep your distance because she will suck the life out of you.

[Anonymous]

You are too entangled. Detach. you cannot save her. Figure out the boundaries where you can enjoy her company and not have her suck the life out of you. If she doesn't respect those boundaries that tells you what you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are too entangled. Detach. you cannot save her. Figure out the boundaries where you can enjoy her company and not have her suck the life out of you. If she doesn't respect those boundaries that tells you what you need to know.

I did try to remember to just enjoy her company for a while without letting myself get sucked into the rescuer role.

But I think seeing another family member step into that role both triggered some guilt in me for not helping in the same way and also just unease that she was putting that burden on someone else.

I don’t think she is toxic or manipulative on purpose. I think she is a naturally really emotionally aware person who intuitively knows how to handle people and kind of slip into a certain role or character that would encourage that person to help her.

[Anonymous]

Eventually this other family member will try to detach from her and she will find someone else to rely on.
It sounds like she does not have a reliable parent? Perhaps she has an attachment disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eventually this other family member will try to detach from her and she will find someone else to rely on.
It sounds like she does not have a reliable parent? Perhaps she has an attachment disorder.

Woah. I think you hit on it exactly. She does not have a reliable parent. And I think she is always looking for someone to fill more of that parental role for her.

[Anonymous]

You were codependent. You were not helping her. Detach with love and let her figure out when she is finally ready to get professional help.

[Anonymous]

This goes beyond replaying the relationship with her neglectful parent. It sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder or Dependent Personality Disorder. I wonder if taking care of her fulfilled a need for you, to some extent, which facilitated some enmeshmrnt or codependency? That may not be true at all but I’m just putting it out there. Also, people with BPD have a sixth sense about the vulnerabilities of people around them, and will prey upon that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were codependent. You were not helping her. Detach with love and let her figure out when she is finally ready to get professional help.

I want to know- was there a way to help her without being codependent? Was I the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This goes beyond replaying the relationship with her neglectful parent. It sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder or Dependent Personality Disorder. I wonder if taking care of her fulfilled a need for you, to some extent, which facilitated some enmeshmrnt or codependency? That may not be true at all but I’m just putting it out there. Also, people with BPD have a sixth sense about the vulnerabilities of people around them, and will prey upon that.

I felt myself being pulled in and filling the rescuer role, without meaning to. I just wanted to help because she was asking, and she was so down, and was reaching out to me. It was really hard to just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were codependent. You were not helping her. Detach with love and let her figure out when she is finally ready to get professional help.

I want to know- was there a way to help her without being codependent? Was I the problem?

No, it sounds like she elicits this response in people. But you have to have strong boundaries with her, even though I imagine she demands all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were codependent. You were not helping her. Detach with love and let her figure out when she is finally ready to get professional help.

I want to know- was there a way to help her without being codependent? Was I the problem?

No, it sounds like she elicits this response in people. But you have to have strong boundaries with her, even though I imagine she demands all or nothing.

It made me wonder when the other family member was helping out a lot- in terms of time and generous gifts, but did not seem to mind at all. Like taking many days off work to help them. And seemed to have ACTUALLY helped them although it was slow going and took a long time. Often when I help I feel like it is futile or I get frustrated when there seems to be an obstacle at every corner or reason why that won’t work, and I get burned out and frustrated fairly quickly.