Help me guide DH through this. Is it manipulation?
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Anonymous
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The women in DHs life have always treated him like a child, their relationships very transactional. Growing up and in his teen years he was very helpful to these women, all single mothers. But everything they say has guilt attached to it, like, “I can’t believe you can’t drop everything and help me. All those times I dropped everything to take you and your cousins to the city pool as a child!” He was getting this treatment until just recently, and he is in his 30s now. After a death in the family everything sort of came to blows and he decided he wasn’t going to take the treatment anymore and cut off his whole family. He is once again speaking with his mother, but he’s treading lightly, but believes she’s changed. I’m wary, because after three decades people don’t just change.
He will be celebrating a milestone soon and his mother has offered to treat him to something in the $10k range. It feels like “love bombing”, or like something she can hold over his head again. He understands this and agrees with me, but at the same time, I think he is feeling overjoyed that his mother wants to “treat” him for once in his life. He can’t seem to grasp that, if history is any indicator, this gift isn’t just out of the goodness of her heart. Or, maybe it is! Wouldn’t that be nice! But that’s a big risk to take. He keeps coming to me for guidance (Larla, my mom mentioned the $10k X again. I don’t know what to do. I keep telling her no but she keeps mentioning it. Etc etc.) I don’t trust her. I know he wants to trust her, he’s hoping she’s finally the mother he’s always needed. How do I guide him through this? |
Anonymous
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Meh. I would tell him to just say 'oh thats nice, thanks mom' and if/when it comes to blows he should not take the bait. Mom can say whatever 'oh but i spent all the money on you' he doesn't have to take the bait.
He told her no numerous times, now he's just accepting the gift when it arrives. She sounds like the type that will make his refusal of the gift an even bigger issue. Just say thanks and keep moving. My mom is like this, I've said no to gifts year after year. Now I just say thanks and keep moving. When she brings it up and tries to align it with something else (trying to guilt me into xyz), I simply don't take the bait and redirect the conversation and remove myself from the discussion. |
Anonymous
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I'm stuck on the "who has $10,000 to move around like that." That aside, you're wise to know that behaviours don't change so easily and your DH's hope is also understandable. Ideally this will all work out or DH will be able to roll with it if it doesn't.
Good luck and all best to your DH on his milestone. |
Anonymous
It’s a gift that would require his input, so it is sort of a yes or no type thing. |
Anonymous
Thank you! You’re not kidding on the amount! It’s a major red flag to me, too, because that kind of gift casts a HUGE shadow. |
Anonymous
| As someone with parents like this, I empathize. You just can’t accept gifts for the reasons you mention. The gift comes to collect its debt when you least expect it. |
Anonymous
| Our MIL does this. We deposit the money in an account and then don't touch it. She eventually asks for money/financial assistance with something or the other, and we take it out of the account we earmarked for her. We are just a holder, we won't use her cash for ourselves, ever. |
Anonymous
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The bigger problem is: "He keeps coming to you"
He shouldn't need this much hand holding From you or his mother. |
Anonymous
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? Is his mom very wealthy? My parents are wealthy and I would never dream of giving or receiving a $10k birthday present. That's absurd. Unless your dad is Elon Musk.
Last time my parents gave me that much was for my wedding 30 years ago. |
Anonymous
New poster. OP, I'm sorry she is putting him in this bind. And that's what's happening--she is putting him in a very difficult position yet coating it with a tempting "gift." She, herself, may not be aware that's what she's doing. She may be trying basically to buy him back; he's re-opened contact with her, and this may be her way to try to seal that deal and keep him back in contact. Again, she might not even be aware she's got that motivation, but aware or not, it's probably manipulative. She in her own mind may "mean well." But that doesn't mean he should accept. It sounds as if he can't truly decide whether to say no (and risk alienating the mom he has only just started seeing again, and whom he wants to trust) or yes (and risk a whopping gift that has strings--no, ropes--attached, if he's wrong about her motives). Is that an accurate summary, OP? Since this gift requires his input, is it something along the lines of his being "gifted" a trip somewhere, or it's an investment she'd make for him, or a big-ticket item he always wanted? You don't have to tell us the details here, OP! I'm just noting that whether it's a trip, investment, physical item, whatever, he is wise to say no, based on past history. He should absolutely script what he wants to say. I advocate this on these threads a lot. If he tries to improvise, to wing it the next time she presses him for an answer, he could end up caving in, or being vague enough that she decides his vagueness is a "yes." It clarifies thinking when we sit down and write up our reply and have it ready when we talk to a person. He should be short and sweet and clear: Thank you for the truly generous offer but I'm saying no, since I am not comfortable accepting it. However, if you would like to mark the milestone, I would greatly appreciate...." Then fill in very specifically whatever he would accept that she cannot use to yank his chain later on. Don't let HER improvise another gift as she is likely to do something very extravagant, or nothing at all as a way to punish him, maybe. He could even make his specified gift a day out with her (OK, half a day) at one event -- "To mark the milestone, I would like to go with you to see (a concert or play that he names or to someplace local, not a big pricey overnight trip)." He also should plan what he will say when she balks and fusses and gets offended. He must stick to his guns here while also staying calm and cool. She says she's upset: "I'm sorry you feel that way." She says he's ungrateful: "I really do appreciate the offer. I thought it over carefully and am saying no, but thank you." She says he is rejecting her by rejecting this gift: "Nope, I'm glad we're back in touch and I'm moved you want to mark [milestone event]. How about the [outing together] I'm suggesting?" He needs to have a substitute he can ask her to give/do in place of her big, expensive idea, and he needs to be able to respond to everything she says (and objects to) coolly. Can he do those things? Meanwhile, OP, has he gotten any therapy, ever, to help him process his family's dynamics? This sounds like a family background ripe for exploring with a therapist, so your DH can learn how to handle these situations in the future. I really feel for him. He was right to stop contact as he was feeling used, and it's good that he felt he could resume contact on his terms -- but accepting this massive gift would put the relationship back on mom's terms, I think. If HE thinks so, then rejecting it is right, and having a written plan for what to say to her would help him a lot. |
Anonymous
Eh, sounds like he's only just navigating a renewed relationship with a manipulative parent. Tough thing to do. It's fine that he communicates well with his wife, PP. He's asking for advice. Adults do get to ask their spouses for advice and it's not "hand-holding" every time. |
Anonymous
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"help me guide ..."
awful, telling language |
Anonymous
| Hmmm... the fact that mom keeps bringing it up adds to the love bomb feel. Hopefully it's not, but I'd be inclined to trust that gut feel. |
Anonymous
| “Mom, you keep bringing up this extravagant gift and I keep saying no. All I want for my milestone birthday is for us to have a healthy relationship that maintains the boundaries we’ve discussed since things got difficult a few months ago. By continuing to push this gift, you are making me feel uncomfortable as it seems you haven’t heard me. Please don’t bring it up again. But I’d love to celebrate with you. How about dinner on the 16th?” |
Anonymous
Too verbose (no offense). My mother is cray so I deal with this all the time. The less you say the better. “Like I’ve said, I don’t want that gift. How about dinner on the 16th?” If she wants to discuss it further… “I’m not going to discuss it further. How about dinner?” |