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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Meh. I would tell him to just say 'oh thats nice, thanks mom' and if/when it comes to blows he should not take the bait. Mom can say whatever 'oh but i spent all the money on you' he doesn't have to take the bait.

He told her no numerous times, now he's just accepting the gift when it arrives. She sounds like the type that will make his refusal of the gift an even bigger issue. Just say thanks and keep moving.

My mom is like this, I've said no to gifts year after year. Now I just say thanks and keep moving. When she brings it up and tries to align it with something else (trying to guilt me into xyz), I simply don't take the bait and redirect the conversation and remove myself from the discussion.[/quote]
It’s a gift that would require his input, so it is sort of a yes or no type thing. [/quote]

New poster. OP, I'm sorry she is putting him in this bind. And that's what's happening--she is putting him in a very difficult position yet coating it with a tempting "gift." She, herself, may not be aware that's what she's doing. She may be trying basically to buy him back; he's re-opened contact with her, and this may be her way to try to seal that deal and keep him back in contact. Again, she might not even be aware she's got that motivation, but aware or not, it's probably manipulative. She in her own mind may "mean well." But that doesn't mean he should accept.

It sounds as if he can't truly decide whether to say no (and risk alienating the mom he has only just started seeing again, and whom he [i]wants[/i] to trust) or yes (and risk a whopping gift that has strings--no, [i]ropes[/i]--attached, if he's wrong about her motives). Is that an accurate summary, OP?

Since this gift requires his input, is it something along the lines of his being "gifted" a trip somewhere, or it's an investment she'd make for him, or a big-ticket item he always wanted? You don't have to tell us the details here, OP! I'm just noting that whether it's a trip, investment, physical item, whatever, he is wise to say no, based on past history.

He should absolutely script what he wants to say. I advocate this on these threads a lot. If he tries to improvise, to wing it the next time she presses him for an answer, he could end up caving in, or being vague enough that she decides his vagueness is a "yes." It clarifies thinking when we sit down and write up our reply and have it ready when we talk to a person.

He should be short and sweet and clear: Thank you for the truly generous offer but I'm saying no, since I am not comfortable accepting it. However, if you would like to mark the milestone, I would greatly appreciate...." Then fill in very specifically whatever he would accept that she cannot use to yank his chain later on. Don't let HER improvise another gift as she is likely to do something very extravagant, or nothing at all as a way to punish him, maybe. He could even make his specified gift a day out with her (OK, half a day) at one event -- "To mark the milestone, I would like to go with you to see (a concert or play that he names or to someplace local, not a big pricey overnight trip)."

He also should plan what he will say when she balks and fusses and gets offended. He must stick to his guns here while also staying calm and cool. She says she's upset: "I'm sorry you feel that way." She says he's ungrateful: "I really do appreciate the offer. I thought it over carefully and am saying no, but thank you." She says he is rejecting her by rejecting this gift: "Nope, I'm glad we're back in touch and I'm moved you want to mark [milestone event]. How about the [outing together] I'm suggesting?"

He needs to have a substitute he can ask her to give/do in place of her big, expensive idea, and he needs to be able to respond to everything she says (and objects to) coolly. Can he do those things?

Meanwhile, OP, has he gotten any therapy, ever, to help him process his family's dynamics? This sounds like a family background ripe for exploring with a therapist, so your DH can learn how to handle these situations in the future. I really feel for him. He was right to stop contact as he was feeling used, and it's good that he felt he could resume contact [u]on his terms[/u] -- but accepting this massive gift would put the relationship back on mom's terms, I think. If HE thinks so, then rejecting it is right, and having a written plan for what to say to her would help him a lot. [/quote]

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