How can I get him to stop doing this, or train myself not to be bothered?

[Anonymous]

It’s the one thing in my marriage that drives me the craziest, but it’s also sort of small potatoes. I wouldn’t let it bother me, but it feels like blatant disrespect and I’m tired of it. Otherwise he’s a wonderful husband, but every time this happens, my blood pressure goes through the roof because it’s so easily solved.

We have kids and I plan my evening around eating dinner as a family at 6. DH always calls when he leaves work, and I know his commute is an hour. Every so often he will call and say he’s on his way, but then 6 rolls around and he’s still not home. I’ll text asking his ETA and it’s always that he stopped to run an errand, ran into someone, etc. It’s happened twice this month. (I started to get suspicious so I checked his location and he’s always where he says he is.)

I’ve started feeding the kids and eating myself if I’m hungry. This isn’t about eating together, it’s not even really about time. It’s just like, if you’re calling to tell me you’re headed home, why not tell me you’re going to pick up dry cleaning and will be late? I would plan my time accordingly and wouldn’t rush to get food in the oven.

We’ve already discussed this until I’m blue in the face. It’s like he just doesn’t care. So, any advice to get him to be more courteous? Or ways to not care anymore?

[Anonymous]

He’s a little bit late twice a month!? That seems like a very minor issue. It wouldn’t bother me at all unless he was very late or otherwise unreliable. The fact you’re checking his location because of this makes me wonder if there is anything else going on you’re not mentioning.

[Anonymous]

“Dinner is at six”.

He rolls in at 6:10.

“Hi! Want a plate?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Dinner is at six”.

He rolls in at 6:10.

“Hi! Want a plate?”

It’s always a lengthy tardiness. Of course 10 minutes isn’t an issue. But an hour? That is just rude. It’s not an unexpected lateness, it’s something he planned to do but couldn’t be bothered to share?

Like I said, it’s probably minor, but it irks me.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you op but it would’ve set me off because
1. I hate warmed up food
2. It is important to me that our family eats together. It sets a tone for the kids and keeps us all in one spot for at least 20 minutes each day

By showing up late to a family meal he is also setting the tone for the kids who as teenagers will be harder to corral to
The table. He is also subtly sending the message that family meals together aren’t important.

It is old fashioned but that is the way I feel about it.

I would tell him all that and see if he can cook once a week so it isn’t always you.-

[Anonymous]

Happiness comes from appropriately set expectations. You need to expect him to be late occasionally.

This is such a minor issue. Don't let it eat at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Dinner is at six”.

He rolls in at 6:10.

“Hi! Want a plate?”

New poster. This, OP, and yes, it applies even if it's 7:00 and not 6:10.

Here's why: "Twice in the past month." So...two days out of 30. If that is the usual rate at which this happens, I think you have lost perspective here. Yes, OP, I agree, it is thoughtless, but does it warrant this type of language?

"My blood pressure goes through the roof"
"We've discussed this until I'm blue in the face"
"It feels like blatant disrespec

That's pretty catastrophizing language for something which you, yourself, refer to as "sort of small potatoes." Something that happens (if this is the case) maybe once every other week or so, right?

I am not defending him. But I think the ironclad adherence to "be here at 6, and if you're late, I start checking your location" -- that's perspective that's out of whack. Why check his location to see if he is where he says he is? That is the action of someone who is assuming on some level -- can we admit this here? -- that she thinks he's lied to her about other things, so she's generally suspicious, and/or she is so angry she acts out like someone who's suspicious. Neither is a good thing on your part, OP. Have you thought through why this one small thing is SO disproportionately irritating to you beyond your DH and dinner?

Again, I think it's impolite but not "blatant disrespect" in neon letters. It's not worth how angry it seems to make you. I am asking seriously -- Were you raised either to put high value on everyone eating together at a set time, or were you conversely raised in a family where no one ever managed to be on time or eat together? Either could help account for the emphasis you have on that part of things. Of course it's a good thing to be consistent with dinnertime and eat as a family, I agree, but can you see how the level of your upset and anger, to the point you text him, track him etc., are out of proportion to the offense? Especially as he's otherwise, your words, "wonderful"?

Just one thing to keep in mind -- if your kids are fairly young, a set dinnertime works now but will not always work. If kids start having extracurriculars, dinnertime all together, at the same time daily, may go out the window. You're possibly going to find in a few years that you and kid one have to have dinner at 5 and get out the door to a dance class or ball game, and dad has to come in, grab kid two and get to a school event with dinner late, afterward. Some days of course there can be dinner at the table together at 6. But this will change especially by middle and high school, so bear that in mind. I don't say that as a way to let your DH off the hook now, but to give some perspective for the years to come.

[Anonymous]

Just go ahead and eat with the kids and let him eat when he gets home. If he doesn't like that he'll change his behavior. Don't get upset, don't make a big deal out of it, just do it. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you op but it would’ve set me off because
1. I hate warmed up food
2. It is important to me that our family eats together. It sets a tone for the kids and keeps us all in one spot for at least 20 minutes each day

By showing up late to a family meal he is also setting the tone for the kids who as teenagers will be harder to corral to
The table. He is also subtly sending the message that family meals together aren’t important.

It is old fashioned but that is the way I feel about it.

I would tell him all that and see if he can cook once a week so it isn’t always you.-

The bold: No.

This has happened twice in the past month. If that's pretty much the normal occurrence, then he is at the dinner table with everyone, on time, 28 days out of every 30 days. How is that "sending the message that family meals together aren't important"? It sends the exact opposite message.

[Anonymous]

If dinner is at 6, then feed the kids and yourself at 6. Set a place for him, and whenever he rolls in, he can serve himself the leftovers. If there aren't any, oh well. He can figure something else out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you op but it would’ve set me off because
1. I hate warmed up food
2. It is important to me that our family eats together. It sets a tone for the kids and keeps us all in one spot for at least 20 minutes each day

By showing up late to a family meal he is also setting the tone for the kids who as teenagers will be harder to corral to
The table. He is also subtly sending the message that family meals together aren’t important.

It is old fashioned but that is the way I feel about it.

I would tell him all that and see if he can cook once a week so it isn’t always you.-

The bold: No.

This has happened twice in the past month. If that's pretty much the normal occurrence, then he is at the dinner table with everyone, on time, 28 days out of every 30 days. How is that "sending the message that family meals together aren't important"? It sends the exact opposite message.

Sure okay. Bottom line is it would bother me because timing a meal is difficult when you are cooking and a few minutes later when you don't know when that will happen is difficult for me.

https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=why-the-family-meal-is-important-1-701

Again, I complete admit I am old fashioned about this, but I do understand where OP is coming from.

[Anonymous]

Does HE feel that the family meal is important? Do the kids care?

[Anonymous]

Just make dinner at 6. If he isn’t home at 6, he misses dinner. If he wants you to hold dinner for him (Hry honey, I’m running a little late, can we eat at 6:30 tonight?) he can call. Otherwise, he doesn’t need to call to tell you he left work and you don’t delay dinner for him.

[Anonymous]

Do this:

https://www.edencounseling.com/resources/Eden-DBT/DBT-Interpersonal-Effectiveness/dbt-interpersonal-effectiveness-grp-4-handouts.pdf

[Anonymous]

This would bother me too. You want to have a hot meal waiting for him when he gets home. You are willing to do ALL of the work. All he needs to do is let you know when he will be home, and he can’t even be bothered to do that.