My kids’ very different reactions to my sadness.

[Anonymous]

My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

[Anonymous]

Wiener are usually much more empathetic. This doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m very sorry about your friend.

[Anonymous]

Normal. Completely normal. Your 9 year old was sympathetic, it's okay he didn't dote on you all day.

I'm sorry for your loss take care of yourself while you're grieving, try not to worry about their reactions on top of all your other feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

Are you saying your son underreacted? Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend. What did you want him to do? Start crying too? Hide under his bed? As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and you should have hid it better.

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend. How did you spouse react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

Are you saying your son underreacted? Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend. What did you want him to do? Start crying too? Hide under his bed? As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and you should have hid it better.

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend. How did you spouse react?

Jfc. No. Just no. It’s not a choice between hiding your feelings and making someone else responsible for them.

[Anonymous]

This seems very normal for those ages. That the 3 year old would try to make you feel better and that the 9 year old would not know how to make you feel better. My mother at that age would tell me she was sad and depressed and it was a burden that I did not want to carry. Not because I was selfish, but because I knew nothing I did would make her depression go away.
However you don't mention that your husband was empathatic. What did he say when the 3 year old told him about your sadness? Did he try to make your day easier?

[Anonymous]

How did you respond to your 3 yo’s concern? Her response was likely anxiety-based because she didn’t know how to process seeing mommy upset. In those moments, it’s important as parents that we model healthy emotions (even when we’re deep in grief). It doesn’t have to be complicated, just assuring her that mommy is feeling sad because something sad happened, we all feel sad sometimes and it’s okay to cry a bit about it because letting those feelings out is part of how we feel better.

[Anonymous]

Normal. 3 yo is more attached to you. 9 yo has their own life and interests. Also girls tend to be more concerned about feelings via socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

Are you saying your son underreacted? Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend. What did you want him to do? Start crying too? Hide under his bed? As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and you should have hid it better.

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend. How did you spouse react?

Jfc. No. Just no. It’s not a choice between hiding your feelings and making someone else responsible for them.

Absolutely. You can hid it from your 3 year old. You are making the 3 year old feel responsible for the adult's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

So you feel you are responsible for every emotion you witness? That’s… not healthy.
Are you saying your son underreacted? Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend. What did you want him to do? Start crying too? Hide under his bed? As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and you should have hid it better.

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend. How did you spouse react?

Jfc. No. Just no. It’s not a choice between hiding your feelings and making someone else responsible for them.

Absolutely. You can hid it from your 3 year old. You are making the 3 year old feel responsible for the adult's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

Are you saying your son underreacted? Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend. What did you want him to do? Start crying too? Hide under his bed? As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and you should have hid it better.

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend. How did you spouse react?

Jfc. No. Just no. It’s not a choice between hiding your feelings and making someone else responsible for them.

Absolutely. You can hid it from your 3 year old. You are making the 3 year old feel responsible for the adult's feelings.

So you feel you are responsible for every emotion you witness? That’s… not healthy.

There’s an enormous difference between the PP’s experience of her mother telling her she’s depressed, and OP’s children witnessing her grief. OP is modeling which emotions are acceptable to express, and it does her children no favors to teach them that grief is not an acceptable emotion.

[Anonymous]

Girls react differently than boys.
I am sorry.for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

Are you saying your son underreacted? Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend. What did you want him to do? Start crying too? Hide under his bed? As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and you should have hid it better.

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend. How did you spouse react?

Jfc. No. Just no. It’s not a choice between hiding your feelings and making someone else responsible for them.

Absolutely. You can hid it from your 3 year old. You are making the 3 year old feel responsible for the adult's feelings.

So you feel you are responsible for every emotion you witness? That’s… not healthy.

There’s an enormous difference between the PP’s experience of her mother telling her she’s depressed, and OP’s children witnessing her grief. OP is modeling which emotions are acceptable to express, and it does her children no favors to teach them that grief is not an acceptable emotion.

I am not talking about myself feeling responsible. I am talking abour the 3 year old feeling overwhelmed and feeling responsible. Btw, I think the 9 year old responded in a loving and caring way. It seems like op wanted the son to feel grief just as strongly as she did ( hence the bewilderment on why he didn't stop watching tv or playing video games)

Showing grief is fine but for the 3 year old to be this worried than surely it was more than " mom's feeling sad" but really acting grief stricken. I just think there is no need to put this on a young child.

No mention of spouse which is really curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

Are you saying your son underreacted? Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend. What did you want him to do? Start crying too? Hide under his bed? As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and you should have hid it better.

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend. How did you spouse react?

Jfc. No. Just no. It’s not a choice between hiding your feelings and making someone else responsible for them.

Absolutely. You can hid it from your 3 year old. You are making the 3 year old feel responsible for the adult's feelings.

So you feel you are responsible for every emotion you witness? That’s… not healthy.

There’s an enormous difference between the PP’s experience of her mother telling her she’s depressed, and OP’s children witnessing her grief. OP is modeling which emotions are acceptable to express, and it does her children no favors to teach them that grief is not an acceptable emotion.

I am not talking about myself feeling responsible. I am talking abour the 3 year old feeling overwhelmed and feeling responsible. Btw, I think the 9 year old responded in a loving and caring way. It seems like op wanted the son to feel grief just as strongly as she did ( hence the bewilderment on why he didn't stop watching tv or playing video games)

Showing grief is fine but for the 3 year old to be this worried than surely it was more than " mom's feeling sad" but really acting grief stricken. I just think there is no need to put this on a young child.

No mention of spouse which is really curious.

Yikes, this is not it at all. OP said she's normally fun and playful and her behavior was likely just very out of the ordinary and therefore seemed very noteworthy to the 3 year old. That's a far cry from making your 3 year old feel responsible for the grief.

[Anonymous]

Normal for those age groups OP.