Reply to My kids’ very different reactions to my sadness.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My good friend died yesterday. While I went about the day doing the things I normally would (cook, clean, do laundry etc), I was clearly sad and teared up on and off all day. At any sign of tears and sadness my 3 y/o would immediately run over to tell DH or her 9 y/o brother and repeat “mommy’s sad” until she got their attention. She stayed by my side, and was just generally extra cuddly and loving. I felt a little guilty that she seemed so worried about me.

On the other hand, when my 9 y/o found out about my friend, he said “I’m sorry about your friend, mommy” and went on about his day- playing video games, watching TV, whatever. He did ask me questions later on, like how my friend died, etc, and he did seem worried to see me cry for about 3 seconds.

I’m not much of a cryer. I’m normally silly and fun with my kids, so I know it was a bit of a shock for them both to see me down. I’m also so curious about their very different reactions. DD seemed acutely attuned to my feelings to be only 3.

How normal is this?

[/quote]

Are you saying your son underreacted?  Because to me, he sounds very empathic and did say he was sorry about your friend.  What did you want him to do?  Start crying too?  Hide under his bed?  As for your 3 year old I don't think it is her responsibility to feel better and [b]you should have hid it better[/b].

I am also sorry for the loss of your friend.  How did you spouse react?[/quote]

Jfc. No. Just no. It’s not a choice between hiding your feelings and making someone else responsible for them. [/quote]

Absolutely.  You can hid it from your 3 year old. You are making the 3 year old feel responsible for the adult's feelings.[/quote]

So you feel you are [b]responsible[/b]  for every emotion you witness? That’s… not healthy.

There’s an enormous difference between the PP’s experience of her mother telling her she’s depressed, and OP’s children witnessing her grief. OP is modeling which emotions are acceptable to express, and it does her children no favors to teach them that grief is not an acceptable emotion. [/quote]

I am not talking about myself feeling responsible.  I am talking abour the 3 year old feeling overwhelmed and feeling responsible.  Btw, I think the 9 year old responded in a loving and caring way.  It seems like op wanted the son to feel grief just as strongly as she did ( hence the bewilderment on why he didn't stop watching tv or playing video games)

Showing grief is fine but for the 3 year old to be this worried than surely it was more than " mom's feeling sad" but really acting grief stricken.  I just think there is no need to put this on a young child.

No mention of spouse which is really curious.[/quote]

Yikes, this is not it at all. OP said she's normally fun and playful and her behavior was likely just very out of the ordinary and therefore seemed very noteworthy to the 3 year old. That's a far cry from making your 3 year old feel responsible for the grief. [/quote]

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