My kids’ very different reactions to my sadness.

[Anonymous]

I think this is more age than gender. A nine year old understands death to some degree. They also understand that not all sadness is fixable, and sometimes people who are sad want to be left alone.

A three year old doesn’t understand why you are sad, and also thinks that big people can fix things when they are sad so Daddy should fix it for you.

Both are really helpful age appropriate reactions. You have good kids OP! Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is more age than gender. A nine year old understands death to some degree. They also understand that not all sadness is fixable, and sometimes people who are sad want to be left alone.

A three year old doesn’t understand why you are sad, and also thinks that big people can fix things when they are sad so Daddy should fix it for you.

Both are really helpful age appropriate reactions. You have good kids OP! Sorry for your loss.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems very normal for those ages. That the 3 year old would try to make you feel better and that the 9 year old would not know how to make you feel better. My mother at that age would tell me she was sad and depressed and it was a burden that I did not want to carry. Not because I was selfish, but because I knew nothing I did would make her depression go away.
However you don't mention that your husband was empathatic. What did he say when the 3 year old told him about your sadness? Did he try to make your day easier?

+1. Normal for both kids. The three year old is trying to figure out what's happening, and that's part of the obsession. They both responded kindly.

Sorry about your friend, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

Your son may well be scared to have this real-life example that people his parents' age really can die. He acknowledged your loss. He likely feels sad that you are sad, but may be processing his own experience of mortality.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thanks to everyone who responded with your insights. Much appreciated. Thank you for your condolences, and to the PP who complimented my kids.

To clarify and answer some questions, I do not at all expect either of my kids to help me through my grief or any other adult situation. As I mentioned, I went about doing the things my kids would typically see me do, despite hurting deeply inside and wanting more than anything to spend all day in bed crying.

I just assumed the opposite would've occurred -- my son, being older and a bit more understanding of death, would've behaved more like my little one, and she would've responded (in her 3 y/o way) more like my son.

I wondered how normal it was for my 3 y/o to be so attuned to my feelings -- will she grow up to be an exceptionally empathetic person, or perhaps I should've masked my feelings more. Hence, the small guilt I felt. I wondered if my son showed the right amount of empathy, or half-jokingly, if I'm raising a sociopath. And no, of course I would not expect him to hide under the bed, cry a river of tears next to me, etc.

DH was comforting with lots of hugs and hand-holding. He took the kids out for a few hours to give me time alone, and he took care of the bedtime routine on his own (a responsibility we usually share), so that I could go down early.

[Anonymous]

That’s exactly how I’d expect a three and 9 year old to act. Your 9 year old has a much better idea of what death means and is probably purposefully avoiding thinking abt it r is overwhelmed with how much comforting one might need to give whereas your three year old would likely act like this if you were sad your favorite shirt was ruined too.

I’m really sorry for your loss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you respond to your 3 yo’s concern? Her response was likely anxiety-based because she didn’t know how to process seeing mommy upset. In those moments, it’s important as parents that we model healthy emotions (even when we’re deep in grief). It doesn’t have to be complicated, just assuring her that mommy is feeling sad because something sad happened, we all feel sad sometimes and it’s okay to cry a bit about it because letting those feelings out is part of how we feel better.

+1