Youngish Spouse- Chronic Illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RA stinks, but it's not as debiltating as OP makes it out. Either OP is really dramatic, or spouse is overly dramatic. I have lived with serious RA for 30 years. It really should not have this kind of negative affect on a marriage. You really both just need therapy to identify why you're both making yourselves into victims instead of just dealing with it and living your lives.

You are either a liar or incredibly ignorant. The very first thing any Rhuematoligist will tell you is that autoimmune disorders very tremendously by patient. There is no uniform reaction. For some it's an incoveiance while for others its debilitaing and life alteriing.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. The point of the thread is not a debate over the seriousness of RA.

It's about the OP wanting to ditch his or her spouse who has been diagnosed with a chronic condition..

It's about how the OP wants to hear that it's fine to divorce due to the spouse having this condition, and it's about the fact that OP wants to (1) dismiss any ideas of "in sickness and in health" and (2) dismiss any ideas of "you're focused on the difficult past, and not on the possibility things could improve now that spouse has a real diagnosis."

OP needs to cool his (or her?) jets, stop focusing on how to get out of the marriage at least for now, and re-evaluate why they got married in the first place. Some more time and treatment may make a difference. Of course RA is different for each patient and of course the spouse might not get the excellent results of some PPs here with RA drugs, but OP has no way to know that yet. It's early days; the diagnosis is very recent, OP said.

The saddest thing about this thread is there is zero sense that OP loves the spouse as a person. At least, not enough to still see that beloved person beneath the pain and testing. OP only talks about resentment and about being the main breadwinner with so much child care to do etc. etc. Nothing said about love or respect for the spouse as an individual human being the OP cared enough about to marry. I hope the spouse isn't aware that OP sees spouse only as a burden and a bundle of pain, not as a person. That's tragic.

Probably because they are absolutely burnt out on carrying the load of the family including being the sole financial support, along with having to deal with a sick spouse, for 6 years. After 6 years, the spouse becomes the disease. That’s all the OP can see because that’s all the sick spouse has been.

Regardless of whether OP stays with their spouse, they should work with a therapist on their (rightful) resentment. Letting go of that resentment will make co-parenting so much easier and at this point OP needs to find ways to make their life easier. And maybe working with the therapist will help the fog clear and allow then to reconnect with their spouse and the spouse reconnect with OP as their treatment begins/symptoms hopefully reduce.

[Anonymous]

OP is incredibly immature and over the top. RA is hardly an illness that requires "caregiving" at a scale that would warrant this. It sounds like OP is pissed that he is not "getting" advantages that were expected - not that he is truly doing a lot. You're not lifting your spouse, helping them go to the bathroom. Plenty do that.

I have a severe version of MS and I am the sole caregiver of my children.

You sound like a loser OP. Beyond even the "grow up" I might toss at other ridiculous posters here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is incredibly immature and over the top. RA is hardly an illness that requires "caregiving" at a scale that would warrant this. It sounds like OP is pissed that he is not "getting" advantages that were expected - not that he is truly doing a lot. You're not lifting your spouse, helping them go to the bathroom. Plenty do that.

I have a severe version of MS and I am the sole caregiver of my children.

You sound like a loser OP. Beyond even the "grow up" I might toss at other ridiculous posters here.

TBH- you're the one alone, not OP...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can leave at any point you want but don’t expect somebody to make you feel okay about it.

+1

I'd say you can do it when you are prepared to look your kids in the eye and tell them that you left their father because he got sick. And deal with the fallout from that in terms of trust, anger, fear, and resentment.

I would guess it’s mother in this case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can leave at any point you want but don’t expect somebody to make you feel okay about it.

Right.

Remember how David Foster was vilified & crucified in the press, because her left Yolanda during her debilitating days of lyme?

She was over the top and incessantly playing the victim (she sure got better quickly once he filed & got his divorce) so people also understood why he left.

But you're acting out of resentment, anger & bitterness -- all 3 are corrosive to any relationship.
You've completely lost any empathy that you may have had, and you're strictly apathetic with them... I'm sure they feel it.

Why are you so adamant about not assigning a sex to your mate? I'd venture to say that she's the wife, because most wives have a lot more patience and understanding then men.

Is she your wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why are all these chronically ill people making all these babies? Maybe wear a condom while you at least get a diagnosis and treatment?

I was diagnosed at 16. Had my children at 30, and 32, after 15 years of treatment.

My relative got it in her 40s. It was bad for awhile until they had her on new drugs and she is doing great today. Her husband actually left her for another woman. She got the house and the kids, but he did get the debt saddled OW! I guess it wasn't greener. OW died and the family didn't want him back then he died 3 years later. Depressed and wasn't taking care of himself. My relative sold her house recently for 6 times what they paid, which I'm sure if her husband was alive it will kill him all over again, lol.

This whole post is gross.
You can actually see the glee in the pp's words, as they type it out.

Anyone who gets this much joy from another persons misery, is a truly f@cked up person.

Yeah, and we get that relative=YOU.

and if it youre not, then you are way too overt involved & far more f@cked up than I thought you were.

[Anonymous]

Start with therapy and trying to build in more support before you abandon your spouse. You sound incredibly burnt out and frustrated, and also quite immature about your approach to marriage. Can you afford to hire more childcare, meal prep, cleaning, etc? If not, does your spouse have family who can come over to help and provide you with some respite?

I'm willing to bet if you can get a bit of relief around the home you will feel less resentful, and maybe can spend time connecting with your spouse instead of being bitter about something neither of you can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spare me the 'in sickness and in health' beatdown. We all know it and we all know there are 1000 variations of what that means. There's helping your spouse after they have their wisdom teeth pulled and theres dealing with a years long, dbilitating illness that causes huge strain on finances, the family's well being, and your own health.

My spouse was recently diagnosed with RA, after literally 6 years of countless episodes of being in intermittent excrutiating pain. I'm talking about 5-10 day spells in bed on opiods, every 4-6 months. They were tested for Lyme, Lupus, and every autoimmune disorder you can name. Maybe 400 vials of blood drawn over the years? They are 47.

I don't think I can do this anymore. Certainly can't for another 20 years. Three young kids I'm rasising almost on my own. Full time job.

At what point can I leave?

If you are a man it is completely ok to leave right now.
If you are a woman you will be judged forever if you don't stay with your spouse until they die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG- you all have NO idea how difficult it can be on a marriage to take care of a spouse who has special needs like this. It is unrelenting and worse than being a single parent at times. You don’t want to think about what you would do in this situation and so you are castigating OP. Everyone is acting like cheating or leaving someone for no other reason than you think you can do better than your spouse is morally better than leaving because you have become a martyr in your marriage and are constantly running on empty taking care of an entire household AND managing a special needs adult.

OP- see if you can find treatments and look into spousal support groups for people with special needs. This sucks sometimes and you have to have a place where you can feel your feelings about this too.

I don't think 5-10 day spells 2-3 times a year is special needs and unrelenting. How different is it than a spouse who has to travel for work or works opposite shifts?

Omg just stop. You are entirely clueless. Just shut up. I’m a new poster. I am youngish, with kids and I also have a spouse with incurable chronic illness. It’s a million times worse than being a single parent. You can’t imagine. Don’t dismiss our feelings when you absolutely have no clue.

This is not the misery olympics. You have no idea what single parents go through and there is no need to insert the comparison and dismiss others while telling them not to dismiss you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG- you all have NO idea how difficult it can be on a marriage to take care of a spouse who has special needs like this. It is unrelenting and worse than being a single parent at times. You don’t want to think about what you would do in this situation and so you are castigating OP. Everyone is acting like cheating or leaving someone for no other reason than you think you can do better than your spouse is morally better than leaving because you have become a martyr in your marriage and are constantly running on empty taking care of an entire household AND managing a special needs adult.

OP- see if you can find treatments and look into spousal support groups for people with special needs. This sucks sometimes and you have to have a place where you can feel your feelings about this too.

I don't think 5-10 day spells 2-3 times a year is special needs and unrelenting. How different is it than a spouse who has to travel for work or works opposite shifts?

Omg just stop. You are entirely clueless. Just shut up. I’m a new poster. I am youngish, with kids and I also have a spouse with incurable chronic illness. It’s a million times worse than being a single parent. You can’t imagine. Don’t dismiss our feelings when you absolutely have no clue.

This is not the misery olympics. You have no idea what single parents go through and there is no need to insert the comparison and dismiss others while telling them not to dismiss you.

Actually I do know and it is a walk in the park compared to caring for a spouse with a long term debilitating illness without a hope for a cure.