The amount of affairs on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

Or divorce could wake your husband up and require him to be a real parent. Sounds like you’re enabling him.

She should have to divorce and impoverish her children to find out if he will step up or not?

That’s an extreme exaggeration. Most likely when the guy isn’t given a free ride he’ll step up and be able to afford a decent apartment and lifestyle all of a sudden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

Or divorce could wake your husband up and require him to be a real parent. Sounds like you’re enabling him.

She should have to divorce and impoverish her children to find out if he will step up or not?

That’s an extreme exaggeration. Most likely when the guy isn’t given a free ride he’ll step up and be able to afford a decent apartment and lifestyle all of a sudden.

Exactly!

1) the job market will instantly snap up this long-term unemployed gem with a giant gap on his resumé and offer a salary so large it will instantaneously provide sufficient credit to score a fantastic apartment in this housing market!

2) the shock of divorce will *not* drive this depressed person further into self pity. It will make him superhuman.

3) all of the couples' counselors and therapists were wrong. What he really needed was to be left.

4) all of that other stuff those spoiled kids wanted-- to live in one home, to have access to mom and dad every day-- well that wasn't important.

5) stepping up and earning for your family while your spouse struggles isn't necessary. In fact it's bad.

This is all so true I can't like it enough times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

I'm one of the pps saying cheaters are POS's. I'll give an exception to a guy who can't leave his wife alone with the children because she's a danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

You get an A+ at rationalization pp

[Anonymous]

Why do people have affairs? Almost as many reasons as there are people who have affairs.

What's the point of getting upset over the choices of other people who have nothing to do with you?

Personally, I knew I was uninterested in a monogamous relationship but was always very open about this fact. My wife and I are both poly and have an open marriage. I wouldn't ever see myself cheating on her. But I can also understand why an affair might be an attractive option for some people (the thrill of it, in particular, might have interested me), and I don't see any point to judging others for actions that don't affect me and aren't any of my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people have affairs? Almost as many reasons as there are people who have affairs.

What's the point of getting upset over the choices of other people who have nothing to do with you?

Personally, I knew I was uninterested in a monogamous relationship but was always very open about this fact. My wife and I are both poly and have an open marriage. I wouldn't ever see myself cheating on her. But I can also understand why an affair might be an attractive option for some people (the thrill of it, in particular, might have interested me), and I don't see any point to judging others for actions that don't affect me and aren't any of my business.

Because the immorality of it permeates the fabric of society. The immoral choices become normalized. They become entrenched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

You get an A+ at rationalization pp

Actually, it's brilliant. Puts the RATIONAL in rationalize, if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

You get an A+ at rationalization pp

Actually, it's brilliant. Puts the RATIONAL in rationalize, if you ask me.

So which would you do-- ruin your kids' lives or go the redt of your own life without sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

You get an A+ at rationalization pp

Actually, it's brilliant. Puts the RATIONAL in rationalize, if you ask me.

So which would you do-- ruin your kids' lives or go the redt of your own life without sex?

False dichotomy

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like you have lead a sheltered life and have a low sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

You get an A+ at rationalization pp

Actually, it's brilliant. Puts the RATIONAL in rationalize, if you ask me.

So which would you do-- ruin your kids' lives or go the redt of your own life without sex?

False dichotomy

No, it isn't.

Spouse won't have sex. Kids want two parents and a home and their school district.

Choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like you have lead a sheltered life and have a low sex drive.

OP is panicked that her spouse might feel there are some circumstances where an affair is acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Most men cheat. I'd guess 80% at least. Maybe most people cheat but since I only sleep with men, I can't speak to what women do.

I'm a 40 year old single female and for the last decade I have had way more opportunities to sleep with married men than unmarried men.

Monogamy for males is not biologically normal, it's a judeo-christian construct.

All the women who think their partner would never cheat blah blah are simply naive. Men cheat all the time and most women will never know about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men cheat. I'd guess 80% at least. Maybe most people cheat but since I only sleep with men, I can't speak to what women do.

I'm a 40 year old single female and for the last decade I have had way more opportunities to sleep with married men than unmarried men.

Monogamy for males is not biologically normal, it's a judeo-christian construct.

All the women who think their partner would never cheat blah blah are simply naive. Men cheat all the time and most women will never know about it.

The actual numbers are much lower. Around 40%.

But if you're not sleeping with your husband, he'll eventually cheat. Men don't consent to a lifetime without sex just because their wives decided sex is over.

Now, a whole lot of married men with decent sex lives cheat anyway. Maybe it's the biological imperative; maybe they're weak or unkind.

But make no mistake-- you can't unilaterally end someone else's sex life. They need to try to understand and reignite but failing that, ending sex = opening the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Men have needs that society's norms are not set up to meet.