What's the first 'dirty' thing you notice in someone else's house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nasty floors and carpets gross me out more than anything. Filthy kitchen sinks, bathrooms, and overflowing trash/wastebaskets. Lots of crap everywhere just indicates a lazy, scattered person to me, too.

Just because someone chooses to spend their time doing other things doesn't mean they're lazy.

I used to spend a lot of time on weekends cleaning. But someone I knew died, and I realized that when my time comes, I'm not really going to care about how clean or dirty my house was.

I do clean, but I don't hyper stress over things. My sinks and bathrooms and wastebaskets are clean. But I have things scattered about. I have pets. I try to keep things from being gross and keep things organized enough so I can easily find things, but on weekends, I'd much rather get outside or work out or sleep or hang out with dog. Or all of those things.

If people want to come into my house and judge me, that's their business. I'm pretty sure when their time nears they'll regret wasting so much energy judging other people over stupid superficial stuff.

[Anonymous]

^^^ and yep sometimes I prefer down time on the internet while my dog rests by my side than decluttering a drawer.

[Anonymous]

I am super ADHD and have an extremely difficult time keeping things neat, mainly because I don't care and don't see the reason.

Luckily none of my friends really care. I don't really spend time with judgmental people, so that helps. If someone came over and had a horrified look in their eyes, I wouldn't invite them back.

It's not dirty, but it is cluttered. I just say, "Sorry for the mess- I'm a super messy person" and, truly, no one really cares that much (especially when you pass them a glass of wine as soon as they come in).

[Anonymous]

Are the people who are complaining about cluttered houses the same people wondering why people don't reciprocate play dates and other invites?

My partner is much messier than I am. I could live my life cleaning up after him (tried that, horrendous, made me resentful), not cleaning up after him and hoping that he will have an epiphany and start picking things up (also horrible, epiphany never came), or asking for help on certain things and picking my battles, and letting some things go. The third one of what worked best, particularly as we both have very busy work schedules. For a while that nrant we never invited anyone over, because I was ashamed of the clutter. But that wasn't fun. Now we invite people over and, you know what, it's not the end of the world that there's clutter. We have a biweekly cleaner and cover the basics ourselves daily, do it's clean enough, but it's never going to look like a show home.

Anyway, this thread was helpful for thinking about what areas to prioritize, but I do want people to know that I've been able to keep my friends without being perfect; in fact my friendships have probably improved because my friends and I let each other in on our daily lives for a last minute coffee or glass of wine, and not just after the marathon cleaning session. And the more I've been doing that, the more I'm realizing that not everyone else keeps a perfect home either, and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Jesus. The first thing I notice is that we are all working our asses off in a high COL place trying to do the best we can with jobs, family, etc. my hous is messier than I would like in an ideal world, and I expect yours will be as well. Truly dirty or messy to the point of hoarding is different, but garden variety 'I didn't have time or energy to clean as I might like' after working all day and dealing with kids, just is a fact of life.

I think all this is fine for day-to-day. But if you can't clean up a bit for guests, then when DO you clean? Don't have guests over.

Absolutely, I should definitely make sure to clean up before a play date with one and four year olds because they won't scatter the toys or mess up the kitchen. I have had plenty of people come over plenty of times so I feel just fine hosting, even if you prima donnas don't approve.

NP. OK, calm down, Defensive Debbie. But it is an iteresting question...can you answer it? If you don't clean up A BIT for guests...when DO you clean?

I will spruce it up before a visit from child protective services.

In the time it took you to comment all over this thread this morning, you could have given your kitchen a once-over, or folded a load of laundry, or de-cluttered a drawer.

And it is her time, her day and her house. She chose to sip a cup of coffee and surf the internet instead of tidying and cleaning.

Well put. But to the extent I have to justify the use of my time, I was actually at work (a concept many of those demanding domestic perfection likely only know vicariously through their husbands) and was taking a 5 minute break while waiting for someone to get me information I needed to continue working on something.

Nice try! I have a full-time job, two kids under 4, a reasonably clean house...AND time to dick around on the Internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ and yep sometimes I prefer down time on the internet while my dog rests by my side than decluttering a drawer.

+1000 Nothing better than snuggling with a sweet dog while reading a book, surfing the internet or watching something good on t.v.

Little things are underrated.

[Anonymous]

This thread is making me feel better about my slightly-dirty-yet-uncluttered home.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Jesus. The first thing I notice is that we are all working our asses off in a high COL place trying to do the best we can with jobs, family, etc. my hous is messier than I would like in an ideal world, and I expect yours will be as well. Truly dirty or messy to the point of hoarding is different, but garden variety 'I didn't have time or energy to clean as I might like' after working all day and dealing with kids, just is a fact of life.

I think all this is fine for day-to-day. But if you can't clean up a bit for guests, then when DO you clean? Don't have guests over.

Absolutely, I should definitely make sure to clean up before a play date with one and four year olds because they won't scatter the toys or mess up the kitchen. I have had plenty of people come over plenty of times so I feel just fine hosting, even if you prima donnas don't approve.

NP. OK, calm down, Defensive Debbie. But it is an iteresting question...can you answer it? If you don't clean up A BIT for guests...when DO you clean?

I will spruce it up before a visit from child protective services.

In the time it took you to comment all over this thread this morning, you could have given your kitchen a once-over, or folded a load of laundry, or de-cluttered a drawer.

And it is her time, her day and her house. She chose to sip a cup of coffee and surf the internet instead of tidying and cleaning.

Well put. But to the extent I have to justify the use of my time, I was actually at work (a concept many of those demanding domestic perfection likely only know vicariously through their husbands) and was taking a 5 minute break while waiting for someone to get me information I needed to continue working on something.

Nice try! I have a full-time job, two kids under 4, a reasonably clean house...AND time to dick around on the Internet.

Well Good For YOU!!! You go Gurrrl.

[Anonymous]

I really don't care if my friends houses aren't spotless, it makes me feel better about the things that are neglected at our house. We wash dishes every night and sweep the kitchen and dining room, and then on weekends get the kids involved in a bigger clean (dusting, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, changing sheets, mopping etc). We don't have a cleaning person, I joke that's why I had kids, (they are old enough to clean up after themselves now!). I live in a small house, and keep our "stuff" to a minimum, because more junk makes it look smaller.

BUT. If we are having a party, I go bananas with the cleaning and de-cluttering. Baseboards, ceiling fans, etc, etc. If someone is having a party (not just a playdate or casual dropping by), it really irks me when they don't clean/declutter. We have two acquaintances who have every tabletop and counter covered with stuff that has been there for ages, toys knee deep on the floor living room and/or playroom. And then a house full of people trying to socialize. Ugh. I have no idea if the house is clean, because I can't see it past all the junk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the people who are complaining about cluttered houses the same people wondering why people don't reciprocate play dates and other invites?

My partner is much messier than I am. I could live my life cleaning up after him (tried that, horrendous, made me resentful), not cleaning up after him and hoping that he will have an epiphany and start picking things up (also horrible, epiphany never came), or asking for help on certain things and picking my battles, and letting some things go. The third one of what worked best, particularly as we both have very busy work schedules. For a while that nrant we never invited anyone over, because I was ashamed of the clutter. But that wasn't fun. Now we invite people over and, you know what, it's not the end of the world that there's clutter. We have a biweekly cleaner and cover the basics ourselves daily, do it's clean enough, but it's never going to look like a show home.

Anyway, this thread was helpful for thinking about what areas to prioritize, but I do want people to know that I've been able to keep my friends without being perfect; in fact my friendships have probably improved because my friends and I let each other in on our daily lives for a last minute coffee or glass of wine, and not just after the marathon cleaning session. And the more I've been doing that, the more I'm realizing that not everyone else keeps a perfect home either, and that's okay.

+1

And I think many people are relieved, because it gives the home a kind of comfy feel. When you're relaxed and admit, "yeah, it's kind of cluttered" then it ends the weird, kind of hyper competitive vibe that some (new) friendships can sometimes have.

I am in my 20s but I have found that many men I have dated also seem to appreciate it. I think it shows to them that you're chill, or something.

[Anonymous]

I can't fully relax until the room I am in is picked up. Not clean-clean, not perfect-baseboards-and-fully-vaccummed, but clutter-free. So DH and I clean the kitchen together every night, my 3-yo helps me pick up toys in the living room, and I make sure my bedroom and the kids' rooms are picked up daily. It doesn't take a lot of effort, because we never get too messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people who are complaining about cluttered houses the same people wondering why people don't reciprocate play dates and other invites?

My partner is much messier than I am. I could live my life cleaning up after him (tried that, horrendous, made me resentful), not cleaning up after him and hoping that he will have an epiphany and start picking things up (also horrible, epiphany never came), or asking for help on certain things and picking my battles, and letting some things go. The third one of what worked best, particularly as we both have very busy work schedules. For a while that nrant we never invited anyone over, because I was ashamed of the clutter. But that wasn't fun. Now we invite people over and, you know what, it's not the end of the world that there's clutter. We have a biweekly cleaner and cover the basics ourselves daily, do it's clean enough, but it's never going to look like a show home.

Anyway, this thread was helpful for thinking about what areas to prioritize, but I do want people to know that I've been able to keep my friends without being perfect; in fact my friendships have probably improved because my friends and I let each other in on our daily lives for a last minute coffee or glass of wine, and not just after the marathon cleaning session. And the more I've been doing that, the more I'm realizing that not everyone else keeps a perfect home either, and that's okay.

+1

And I think many people are relieved, because it gives the home a kind of comfy feel. When you're relaxed and admit, "yeah, it's kind of cluttered" then it ends the weird, kind of hyper competitive vibe that some (new) friendships can sometimes have.

I am in my 20s but I have found that many men I have dated also seem to appreciate it. I think it shows to them that you're chill, or something.

Agree. Our house isn't horrible and we definitely clean before people come, but there's always going to be some stuff out because it's a small house and there just isn't room for everything sometimes. We went on a play date to the house of DS's classmate and it was gorgeous. Huge house, beautiful furniture, expensive and lovely toys, immaculate. We really liked the couple but we felt quite intimidated and like they were out of our league. They even got dressed up for the occasion; we weren't slovenly but I wasn't wearing a little black dress to chase my 2 year old around! Anyway, we reciprocated, and we enjoyed their visit, but I'm pretty sure they thought our house was tiny and wondered how we deal. Turned out our kids don't get along great anyway so that was easy, and other play dates have been with parents more on our level. But I definitely felt -- for the first time ever, really -- like my house was judged and found wanting. Even though they were really nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am super ADHD and have an extremely difficult time keeping things neat, mainly because I don't care and don't see the reason.

Luckily none of my friends really care. I don't really spend time with judgmental people, so that helps. If someone came over and had a horrified look in their eyes, I wouldn't invite them back.

It's not dirty, but it is cluttered. I just say, "Sorry for the mess- I'm a super messy person" and, truly, no one really cares that much (especially when you pass them a glass of wine as soon as they come in).

+1

[Anonymous]

Ha, I totally feel more comfortable with someone when I go to their house and see that's it's just as lived in or even more cluttered than mine is.

[Anonymous]

Dirty floors. And I'm always struggling with mine with 2 young kids