Breaking up with my toxic mom group (Ashley Tisdale essay)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

She said in the article that she was seated at a party all the way down at the end of the table. Do you think the table sat 30, there were 20 people in attendance, 29 of them sat at one end, then they had 10 empty chairs, and then Ashley was at the other end all by herself? Or do you think she was mad that she wasn't seated near whoever she deemed to be the most important/famous at the head of the table? If the table seats 12 and there were 12 people in attendance, someone had to sit at the end of the table - why did she take that as a slight? Things like that are why I have a hard time taking her seriously, among other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

It’s because PP is one of those Queen bees and this is striking a nerve.

No, it's not, and I responded to the above question. I am not a queen bee, I've never planned an event in front of someone who wasn't invited, I don't use social media, I don't invite 9 out of 10 moms to an outing, etc. I'm just a 46-year old who has never encountered behavior like what is being described and it all sounds ridiculous to me. I imagine the truth lies somewhere in between.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So she thinks it's teaching her kids to stand up for themselves by...sending a dramatic text instead of explaining how she felt and having an actual conversation about it?

And then write about it on the Internet.

I can be empathetic to how it feels to be left out, btdt, but it would be so much easier to be empathetic if she described trying to talk about what was going on in person.

Also I'm wondering if she reached out to the person she realized was being excluded before her.

Why is the onus on the person wronged to tiptoe around the person who did the slighting? If you recognize yourself, don't shoot the messenger. But if only she went about it a different way is BS. She's allowed to express her feelings on social media, isn't that the point of the defenders of the toxic group? They are allowed to share anything and everything on social media, feelings be damned.

I'm on Ashley's side here, as someone who has also left a toxic friend group and identifies with what she writes in the essay.

However, I actually do agree that her choosing to write about this in a public way, especially given that the members of this group were famous and a lot of people know or will speculate who she's talking about, is part of the toxic dynamic. I bet Ashley is watching reaction to her essay quite closely, maybe even looking at the social media of people in this group to see if there's any hint that they are aware of it. She probably wont' admit she's doing that, but having been there, I bet she is.

Having been through this, I think it probably would have been healthier *for her* not to publicize it in this way. Or perhaps to write this essay anonymously, or to write it and wait many years to publish it. When I left my toxic friend group, it took me years to truly detach from that dysfunctional feedback loop of still wanting their approval. And for me it's been many years, and still when I read Ashley's essay, I fell down a rabbit hole of looking at social media from people in that old group because her essay made me think about them, and thinking about them made me curious, and of course many of them still have public social media accounts where they document their comings and goings. I was also happy to discover that most of them are no longer friends, or not appearing in each other's photos or liking each other's posts, and that the one I wound up disliking the most uses her Insta account to shill for what appears to be a failing personal styling brand. So even though its' been years, I can still get pulled into these toxic emotional dynamics (I don't love that I still feel this petty about these people, I wish I was truly just above it all by now).

I'm still kind of glad Ashley wrote the essay, because she's right that these dynamics don't get talked about or acknowledged much. But if I'm really honest, this was also probably petty on her part and an effort to "win" the friend breakup or save face. I have empathy for her position as I know it well, but also know the way to really put this crap behind you is done out of the public eye, in therapy or in your healthy relationships with people who actually like and respect you, not online.

Thank you, you gave voice to my feelings. I'm sure she has certain feelings now, having left the group, but I wonder what others could say about how she feed into the toxicity or how badly she treated other people who were in the group. The essay came off as lacking in self-awareness, in my opinion, which I found to be annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

She said in the article that she was seated at a party all the way down at the end of the table. Do you think the table sat 30, there were 20 people in attendance, 29 of them sat at one end, then they had 10 empty chairs, and then Ashley was at the other end all by herself? Or do you think she was mad that she wasn't seated near whoever she deemed to be the most important/famous at the head of the table? If the table seats 12 and there were 12 people in attendance, someone had to sit at the end of the table - why did she take that as a slight? Things like that are why I have a hard time taking her seriously, among other reasons.

That’s not her daughter’s birthday party that she was talking about. Maybe read it again because you’re seeing what you want to see. This was happening more than once so she noticed a pattern. But somehow you’re desperate to see her as the bad person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

It’s because PP is one of those Queen bees and this is striking a nerve.

No, it's not, and I responded to the above question. I am not a queen bee, I've never planned an event in front of someone who wasn't invited, I don't use social media, I don't invite 9 out of 10 moms to an outing, etc. I'm just a 46-year old who has never encountered behavior like what is being described and it all sounds ridiculous to me. I imagine the truth lies somewhere in between.

Wow. You just have a limited imagination and limited amount of experience to draw on. Ask yourself why it’s so hard to see that people get treated badly by other women sometimes. It should tell you something that other women are chiming in with their own experiences but for some odd reason you’re ignoring and discrediting them. Because you’ve never seen it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What I got from that is that social media caused all the toxicity. Without Instagram she would have no idea who was hanging with who and that she wasn't invited. And basically all the anxiety I have with other women also stems from some variation of this: "there they are, all hanging out and didn't invite me. What did I do wrong?"
I hate it so much. Currently dreading logging onto Facebook to post family pictures my mother keep hounding me about because I know I'll see something like this.

That certainly makes it easier to find out. But even in the old days, it would usually get back to someone that a gathering was planned or took place without them. The social dynamics of a large group based on loose connections can be weird, and not being invited doesn't always mean you did something wrong.

In the old days it was considered the height of poor manners to talk about a party to someone who wasn't invited. If it got back to someone it was because someone screwed up. Nowadays a party isn't really a party if pictures of all the guests aren't posted for the world to peruse.

Not where I came from. You learned early that sometimes there are parties and you won’t be included. Maybe it’s small, maybe it’s family, there are many reasons.

It’s toxic to teach your children to kept secrets and walk in egg shells to control others feelings.

Teach them not everything is about them and have many and diverse friends groups.

I'm not sure why you're referring to children. The article was about adult women. And I'm not going to waver that it's rude to post every "moms night out" to an audience that includes people who for whatever reason may feel that they warranted an invitation. No one is impressed and some people are hurt. There's literally no upside. Send the photos to the women who were present.

You wrote "you learn early" so I said, as kids you learn you will not be invited to everything, which leads to how you accept these things as an adult.

If you look at pictures of mom's having fun and think "this is rude" there is no "upside" and "someone was left out" ... you probably should work that out in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

That's an odd take. If I meet someone I like and she includes me in things.. but I don't really click with the group. I can still have that one friend.

"Clean Break" seems very dramatic.

[Anonymous]

I have been in a very similar situation. She describes the feeling well, particularly why early motherhood is a hard time to go through this. I was very vulnerable, didn't have any family support, struggled with balancing work and kids, and was constantly comparing what I was doing to these people around me who were in extremely different situations. The group dynamics created a low hum of anxiety in the background that was unpleasant to deal with and stressful on my already taxed nervous system. But I was truly close with a couple of these women, telling them things I would not tell my longer-term friends because I thought they wouldn't get it and leaning on each other though lots of difficult moments.

A couple years into this friendship, the drama seemed to kick up at notch. At the same time, I realized that my youngest child had some significant developmental delays and was extremely stressed about that. This group stuff was just one more source of anxiety I didn't need and over time, I stopped making every hang out, and it turned into a mutual slow fade. I mourned the loss of the group for a while but years later, I am much happier. And any time I see one of them 1:1 (rare), they immediately try to gossip about the group, so I am pretty sure nothing has changed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

You're too cool for school. Thank you for being so superior to the rest of us who can't understand such simple concepts without you to guide us.

What an azz. This isn't waxing and waning. These are women who are intentionally being jerks and bullies.

You continue to rise above the rest of us but we all know in the same situation you'd be hurt - or maybe I'm wrong and you live to exclude other people because you enjoy seeing the hurt.

You are not going to go through a whole life without being hurt or finding rude people along the way. So what, you internalize it too much.

You havn't learned how to feel hurt, or lonely or sad or grieve a loss of a friendship without being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

She said in the article that she was seated at a party all the way down at the end of the table. Do you think the table sat 30, there were 20 people in attendance, 29 of them sat at one end, then they had 10 empty chairs, and then Ashley was at the other end all by herself? Or do you think she was mad that she wasn't seated near whoever she deemed to be the most important/famous at the head of the table? If the table seats 12 and there were 12 people in attendance, someone had to sit at the end of the table - why did she take that as a slight? Things like that are why I have a hard time taking her seriously, among other reasons.

That’s not her daughter’s birthday party that she was talking about. Maybe read it again because you’re seeing what you want to see. This was happening more than once so she noticed a pattern. But somehow you’re desperate to see her as the bad person.

I couldn't care less about Ashley Tisdale. I've never even seen High School Musical or anything else she's been on. I'm not desperate to see her as a bad person. That's weird.

Here is what she said, cut and pasted from her article:

Another time, at one of the mom’s dinner parties, I realized where I sat with her — which was at the end of the table, far from the rest of the women.

The person asked why I am having a hard time taking her word for it. The above is why. Do you really think she was seated from from everyone else? Or was she just not seated close to the hostess, in which case she felt slighted. Someone has to sit at the end of the table, and it's obnoxious behavior on her part to be so wounded that it was her. Would she have been worried about the feelings of whoever was seated down there had it not been her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

It’s because PP is one of those Queen bees and this is striking a nerve.

No, it's not, and I responded to the above question. I am not a queen bee, I've never planned an event in front of someone who wasn't invited, I don't use social media, I don't invite 9 out of 10 moms to an outing, etc. I'm just a 46-year old who has never encountered behavior like what is being described and it all sounds ridiculous to me. I imagine the truth lies somewhere in between.

Wow. You just have a limited imagination and limited amount of experience to draw on. Ask yourself why it’s so hard to see that people get treated badly by other women sometimes. It should tell you something that other women are chiming in with their own experiences but for some odd reason you’re ignoring and discrediting them. Because you’ve never seen it.

Ok. Because the story of the person who was seated next to people at a party who were discussing an event she didn't expect to be invited to was super compelling? Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

She said in the article that she was seated at a party all the way down at the end of the table. Do you think the table sat 30, there were 20 people in attendance, 29 of them sat at one end, then they had 10 empty chairs, and then Ashley was at the other end all by herself? Or do you think she was mad that she wasn't seated near whoever she deemed to be the most important/famous at the head of the table? If the table seats 12 and there were 12 people in attendance, someone had to sit at the end of the table - why did she take that as a slight? Things like that are why I have a hard time taking her seriously, among other reasons.

That’s not her daughter’s birthday party that she was talking about. Maybe read it again because you’re seeing what you want to see. This was happening more than once so she noticed a pattern. But somehow you’re desperate to see her as the bad person.

I couldn't care less about Ashley Tisdale. I've never even seen High School Musical or anything else she's been on. I'm not desperate to see her as a bad person. That's weird.

Here is what she said, cut and pasted from her article:

Another time, at one of the mom’s dinner parties, I realized where I sat with her — which was at the end of the table, far from the rest of the women.

The person asked why I am having a hard time taking her word for it. The above is why. Do you really think she was seated from from everyone else? Or was she just not seated close to the hostess, in which case she felt slighted. Someone has to sit at the end of the table, and it's obnoxious behavior on her part to be so wounded that it was her. Would she have been worried about the feelings of whoever was seated down there had it not been her?

Did you read the article? It really doesn’t seem like it. It happened again and again. You seem like you REALLY don’t like Ashley Tisdale and don’t want to believe her.

“And yet, I could sense a growing distance between me and the other members of the group, who seemed to not even care that I wasn’t around much. When everyone else attended a birthday dinner together, I was met with excuses as to why I hadn’t been invited. I still don’t get why I wasn’t at the girl hang that they all planned at my daughter’s birthday. As I increasingly felt left out, I remembered something. “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

She said in the article that she was seated at a party all the way down at the end of the table. Do you think the table sat 30, there were 20 people in attendance, 29 of them sat at one end, then they had 10 empty chairs, and then Ashley was at the other end all by herself? Or do you think she was mad that she wasn't seated near whoever she deemed to be the most important/famous at the head of the table? If the table seats 12 and there were 12 people in attendance, someone had to sit at the end of the table - why did she take that as a slight? Things like that are why I have a hard time taking her seriously, among other reasons.

That’s not her daughter’s birthday party that she was talking about. Maybe read it again because you’re seeing what you want to see. This was happening more than once so she noticed a pattern. But somehow you’re desperate to see her as the bad person.

I couldn't care less about Ashley Tisdale. I've never even seen High School Musical or anything else she's been on. I'm not desperate to see her as a bad person. That's weird.

Here is what she said, cut and pasted from her article:

Another time, at one of the mom’s dinner parties, I realized where I sat with her — which was at the end of the table, far from the rest of the women.

The person asked why I am having a hard time taking her word for it. The above is why. Do you really think she was seated from from everyone else? Or was she just not seated close to the hostess, in which case she felt slighted. Someone has to sit at the end of the table, and it's obnoxious behavior on her part to be so wounded that it was her. Would she have been worried about the feelings of whoever was seated down there had it not been her?

DP. I interpreted that part of the essay to mean she was at a seated dinner party with a few members of this mom group and a bunch of other people, and the host seated the other members of the group near herself, but sat Ashley at the other end of the table next to other people who were not members of the group. I did not interpret it to mean that Ashley was seated at the end of a table with a. bunch of empty seats in between, which makes no sense.

If that happened to me I also would have assumed that the host of the party viewed those other members of our group as close friends but perhaps didn't like me or didn't want me to be part of the group. Also if I hosted a party and this happened accidentally, I actually would say something to the friend who wound up far away like "I'm so sorry, I hope you found people to talk to -- I didn't realize until we sat down how far away you were" or something like that. Because I think the dynamic would be obviously a little hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

She said in the article that she was seated at a party all the way down at the end of the table. Do you think the table sat 30, there were 20 people in attendance, 29 of them sat at one end, then they had 10 empty chairs, and then Ashley was at the other end all by herself? Or do you think she was mad that she wasn't seated near whoever she deemed to be the most important/famous at the head of the table? If the table seats 12 and there were 12 people in attendance, someone had to sit at the end of the table - why did she take that as a slight? Things like that are why I have a hard time taking her seriously, among other reasons.

That’s not her daughter’s birthday party that she was talking about. Maybe read it again because you’re seeing what you want to see. This was happening more than once so she noticed a pattern. But somehow you’re desperate to see her as the bad person.

I couldn't care less about Ashley Tisdale. I've never even seen High School Musical or anything else she's been on. I'm not desperate to see her as a bad person. That's weird.

Here is what she said, cut and pasted from her article:

Another time, at one of the mom’s dinner parties, I realized where I sat with her — which was at the end of the table, far from the rest of the women.

The person asked why I am having a hard time taking her word for it. The above is why. Do you really think she was seated from from everyone else? Or was she just not seated close to the hostess, in which case she felt slighted. Someone has to sit at the end of the table, and it's obnoxious behavior on her part to be so wounded that it was her. Would she have been worried about the feelings of whoever was seated down there had it not been her?

DP. I interpreted that part of the essay to mean she was at a seated dinner party with a few members of this mom group and a bunch of other people, and the host seated the other members of the group near herself, but sat Ashley at the other end of the table next to other people who were not members of the group. I did not interpret it to mean that Ashley was seated at the end of a table with a. bunch of empty seats in between, which makes no sense.

If that happened to me I also would have assumed that the host of the party viewed those other members of our group as close friends but perhaps didn't like me or didn't want me to be part of the group. Also if I hosted a party and this happened accidentally, I actually would say something to the friend who wound up far away like "I'm so sorry, I hope you found people to talk to -- I didn't realize until we sat down how far away you were" or something like that. Because I think the dynamic would be obviously a little hurtful.

But they were all invited to the party! If I host a dinner and I invite my friends from work, my friends from college, and my friends from the neighborhood, I can't sit next to all of them. But you think the friends who sit down at the other end of the table from me should be upset? If she's the one seeing the lines of this "group" so closely that it means others are excluded from it, then she is part of the problem. And that's my issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith.

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then.

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful.

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic.

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?

She said in the article that she was seated at a party all the way down at the end of the table. Do you think the table sat 30, there were 20 people in attendance, 29 of them sat at one end, then they had 10 empty chairs, and then Ashley was at the other end all by herself? Or do you think she was mad that she wasn't seated near whoever she deemed to be the most important/famous at the head of the table? If the table seats 12 and there were 12 people in attendance, someone had to sit at the end of the table - why did she take that as a slight? Things like that are why I have a hard time taking her seriously, among other reasons.

That’s not her daughter’s birthday party that she was talking about. Maybe read it again because you’re seeing what you want to see. This was happening more than once so she noticed a pattern. But somehow you’re desperate to see her as the bad person.

I couldn't care less about Ashley Tisdale. I've never even seen High School Musical or anything else she's been on. I'm not desperate to see her as a bad person. That's weird.

Here is what she said, cut and pasted from her article:

Another time, at one of the mom’s dinner parties, I realized where I sat with her — which was at the end of the table, far from the rest of the women.

The person asked why I am having a hard time taking her word for it. The above is why. Do you really think she was seated from from everyone else? Or was she just not seated close to the hostess, in which case she felt slighted. Someone has to sit at the end of the table, and it's obnoxious behavior on her part to be so wounded that it was her. Would she have been worried about the feelings of whoever was seated down there had it not been her?

DP. I interpreted that part of the essay to mean she was at a seated dinner party with a few members of this mom group and a bunch of other people, and the host seated the other members of the group near herself, but sat Ashley at the other end of the table next to other people who were not members of the group. I did not interpret it to mean that Ashley was seated at the end of a table with a. bunch of empty seats in between, which makes no sense.

If that happened to me I also would have assumed that the host of the party viewed those other members of our group as close friends but perhaps didn't like me or didn't want me to be part of the group. Also if I hosted a party and this happened accidentally, I actually would say something to the friend who wound up far away like "I'm so sorry, I hope you found people to talk to -- I didn't realize until we sat down how far away you were" or something like that. Because I think the dynamic would be obviously a little hurtful.

But they were all invited to the party! If I host a dinner and I invite my friends from work, my friends from college, and my friends from the neighborhood, I can't sit next to all of them. But you think the friends who sit down at the other end of the table from me should be upset? If she's the one seeing the lines of this "group" so closely that it means others are excluded from it, then she is part of the problem. And that's my issue.

You’re ignoring that this was not an isolated incident. She’s not part of the problem when she recognizes what’s going on and opts out.