Please help me help my daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

Not the PP you are asking. (I am a PP whose child had an eating disorder, a cardiac condition, and ADHD that needs stimulants to treat, among other things that didn't come up in my comments). First I want to say that you are doing a great job. People describing this as life and death are dramatic. You are right that this is a marathon not a sprint. And, there is no one right way to do things except it would be wrong to do nothing.

As to your question. My thought is this. You want to feel comfortable speaking freely and not having to worry about what you say and how you say it. You just want all of the information on the table. You might also want to be talking about your opinions, frustrations and fears. For these reasons, I would NOT take my child to the initial intake unless it is required. I have been down this road many times and can't say enough about how important it was for me to speak freely and not watch my words for fear of upsetting my child. That doesn't mean there won't be another meeting that involves parents, provider and child. But a parents and provider only meeting is really helpful.

Thanks, this is helpful. It's comforting to hear from someone who has gone down a similar road, although I'm sorry you have had to walk this difficult path as well.

[Anonymous]

At intake appointments we have had, the provider talks with us all together, then parents alone, child alone and then all together again. They are normally longer than a regular session. Ask the provider how they do it.

[Anonymous]

https://www.inova.org/our-services/inova-kellar-center/programs-services/kellar-school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

Not the PP, but in my experience, a neuropsychologist, or anyone doing testing, will want to see you alone, and then take a few days to make a plan for testing, and then see the child alone for a couple days close together for the testing.

A treating psychologist, one who is providing therapy, often will do a combined intake, where they see you and the child separately and then together. If you worry about your kid being physically or emotionally safe sitting in a waiting room, they may do it differently. Some kids might really spiral in that situation.

Obviously, I'd ask for the specific doctor's approach, but that's what I've seen most often.

[Anonymous]

OP, take her to the ped for a full work up and see if they will help with medication and then look into therapy. Can you bribe her? Most kids refuse therapy at first. And, you need to make sure its a good fit.

For the food, can you give her 2-3 choices per meal and make sure to make what she wants for 3 meals a day - not ideal but it will get her eating.

For homework, sit down with her and figure out where she gets stuck and maybe consider tutors. We use online tutors who are under $15 an hour. I would not say hey do 2 hours and if its not done its not done as they will just sit there for the two hours and never do anything.

Get a neuropsych or at least a psychoeducational and a hearing exam, just for rule out.

Most people here will compare your child to theirs and say your child has XXX because mine does and it may or may not be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At intake appointments we have had, the provider talks with us all together, then parents alone, child alone and then all together again. They are normally longer than a regular session. Ask the provider how they do it.

Yeah really. Not seeing kid and agreeing with parents this is "anxiety" and then nothing...what a crock.

[Anonymous]

Agree about not taking her for the intake. She might not be receptive to therapy in any case in the state that she is in. I would focus on getting her to a psychiatrist above all.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried restricting the laptop so school only/no social media, browsing. And, sitting with her. I'm glad that strategy worked but you also don't want her rushing and putting care into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

[Anonymous]

Forgot to say that I’m really glad most of last night went well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried restricting the laptop so school only/no social media, browsing. And, sitting with her. I'm glad that strategy worked but you also don't want her rushing and putting care into it.

For some reason, she was desperate for concrete guardrails. She needed to be forced to rush and put less care into it because she was way beyond the extreme.

The times I’ve sat with her, every step is just very slow. It will take her 30 minutes just to make a plan to do the homework. She’s got a spreadsheet, estimated time, due date. Sometimes she’ll blankly stare at her homework without doing anything. She’s uninterested in social media. Sometimes she’ll just start going down a rabbit hole tangentially related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

It really wasn’t like that. It was like a Swiss Army knife. The fact that it was a bridge too far was exactly why she did it. She was trying to get a reaction out of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried restricting the laptop so school only/no social media, browsing. And, sitting with her. I'm glad that strategy worked but you also don't want her rushing and putting care into it.

For some reason, she was desperate for concrete guardrails. She needed to be forced to rush and put less care into it because she was way beyond the extreme.

The times I’ve sat with her, every step is just very slow. It will take her 30 minutes just to make a plan to do the homework. She’s got a spreadsheet, estimated time, due date. Sometimes she’ll blankly stare at her homework without doing anything. She’s uninterested in social media. Sometimes she’ll just start going down a rabbit hole tangentially related.

Setting aside the knife part of this, which is disturbing even though I get what you're saying about doing the most shocking thing, the rest of this really resonates with me as a woman with ADHD and w/r/t my daughter with ADHD. I am an absolute machine when I have a deadline and concrete tasks that need to be done quickly. But give me an open-ended and unstructured block of time with a list of non-urgent tasks? I am useless. I know this is true of everyone to some degree but it is extreme with me. I am honestly two different people -- one is highly competent, the other one is a mess. So I have to structure my life in a way that creates the guardrails and the urgency. Your child, who is not a middle-aged woman who has lived this for decades, may need you to create this structure for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

It really wasn’t like that. It was like a Swiss Army knife. The fact that it was a bridge too far was exactly why she did it. She was trying to get a reaction out of me.

A Swiss Army knife is a knife! It can cut lots of things. That's why people have them. Indeed she was trying to get a reaction out of you. That doesn't mean she won't hurt anyone, or herself, with it. Nobody is violent until the day that they are. You probably thought she wouldn't threaten you with it either, but she did.

You need to take the knife away from her. Period.