Please help me help my daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with another question, that I hope doesn't get lost in the thread.

Is this also something I should bring up with the pediatrician? Is that helpful at all? What are the pros and cons?

I really think your issues are beyond the experience of a pediatrician. A child psychiatrist would have better skills. I don’t think it’s a bad place to start with a pediatrician, but you need more help.

Also, get a therapist set up for her. Many are online and therefore more convenient. It may take awhile to build up a relationship between the therapist and child.

Yes, I'm guessing we will most likely eventually meet with a psychiatrist and psychologist.

I'm asking if there's any benefit or downside to keeping the pediatrician in the loop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

It makes more sense to me to have her evaluated first for anxiety and depression before just giving her SSRIs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure that the all-hours laptop use isn't about something not related to school, like social media or something else? And she's just making it seem like school? If she has ADHD and is getting diverted, she may not even really appreciate how much time she is losing to diversions. I'd keep a better eye on her usage.

She's not on social media. I have gone through long periods where I've monitored her computer usage closely. A little more than half of her time is spent on actual homework - which goes painstakingly slow, or she just gets stuck. She says her brain stops working and feels empty. A lot of it is massively inefficient use of her time - spending exorbitant amounts of time on things that clearly don't matter.

She also takes "brain rot" breaks which often go too long. I've discouraged her from doing this, and take movement breaks instead. I've tried to drag her out for a quick walk. If she must do the brain rot breaks, I suggest setting a timer. But like many of my suggestions and urgings, she just doesn't listen to anything we say.

She is also not on any social media and is completely disinterested in any kind of social apps or even texting her friends.

You need to actually parent. Not "suggest". Take the device away, period. No brain rot. Your "gentle" approach is failing, can't you see that? People are being harsh to you because you seem to very much need a wake up call. You say she is stubborn and uncooperative, I say anxiety disorder and OCD and maybe autistic rigidity. Maybe rejection sensitive dysphoria. Read up on the SPACE protocol-- it's designed to not require any cooperation from the kid, at all.

Speak with the school about homework. That way the reduction in workload can come from the school and she can still feel like she is doing well academically, rather than you telling her it's fine if she gets bad grades.

Yes, we are going to start taking away her devices at night and not return them to her until the next morning. If you have suggestions on how I can prevent her from taking brain rot breaks, I'm all ears.

I'll read the book. And I'll reach out to the school about pausing homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

This! A child psychiatrist diagnosed her with anxiety 3 years ago and you say she definitely still has anxiety, but you don’t medicate her and you have dodged answering whether she’s in therapy. No wonder she’s struggling with mental health to the point that it’s impacting her daily functioning and physical health! The poor child needs treatment. If she also has ADHD on top of that, she’s completely dysregulated.

She already has a diagnosis of anxiety. Don’t wait to start medication and therapy. Call the child psychiatrist she saw 3 years ago and make an appointment. Do it today. Then log on to your health insurance company’s website and look for therapists who are near you and in-network. From those, make a list of the ones who see children and have experience with anxiety and ADHD. Once you have a few names, you can look them up on Psychology Today, read their bios, see their photos. Start calling to see who has an opening. When you find somebody with availability, start the intake process. It all takes time. Get on it today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

It makes more sense to me to have her evaluated first for anxiety and depression before just giving her SSRIs.

New patient appointments can take months for psychiatrists and some therapy practices. I would get on some waiting lists now in anticipation.

Also, given the various things you describe, has she ever been evaluated for autism?

[Anonymous]

How do you know she doesn't feel hunger? Because she says so? Lol. She may be restricting because that is one thing she feels she has control over in a chaotic unsafe world. She will lie. That's what we with eating disorders do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should bring it up with your kid's pediatrician next time you see them (though it is not something I'd seek out an appointment for). Your pediatrician should be giving your kid a screener for depression at teen visits regardless.

OP, I have a similar kid and we are four years into lots of help and intervention and it's still pretty hard - with girls, especially, it can be very, very difficult to unpack what is a cause and what is a symptom of the mental health/behaviors you are seeing.

The other thing I'll mention is that while your daughter may not have started her period yet, she is likely already in the hormonal throes of puberty (starts about a year before menstruation) and experiencing the hormonal fluctuations that will eventually accompany her period. This is another confounding factor in trying to get to root cause for girls in their early teens.

In your shoes, I would spend this time while you are waiting for the evaluation finding a psychiatrist so that you can take action right away once you have information from the evaluation. (There is also the option of doing an anxiety/depression screener with the psychiatrist now and starting meds based on symptoms before the evaluation - I wasn't ready to do this but, in retrospect, it would have been a good idea.) And don't worry about the pills - lots of drugs are available in a liquid or gummy form.

Thanks, this is really helpful!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

It makes more sense to me to have her evaluated first for anxiety and depression before just giving her SSRIs.

You said this on page 1 of this thread:

“Yes she 100 percent has anxiety. We don’t need a test to tell us that.

When we consulted with a child psychologist 3 years ago, that was her take as well.”

Why does it make sense to you to continue waiting to help her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

This! A child psychiatrist diagnosed her with anxiety 3 years ago and you say she definitely still has anxiety, but you don’t medicate her and you have dodged answering whether she’s in therapy. No wonder she’s struggling with mental health to the point that it’s impacting her daily functioning and physical health! The poor child needs treatment. If she also has ADHD on top of that, she’s completely dysregulated.

She already has a diagnosis of anxiety. Don’t wait to start medication and therapy. Call the child psychiatrist she saw 3 years ago and make an appointment. Do it today. Then log on to your health insurance company’s website and look for therapists who are near you and in-network. From those, make a list of the ones who see children and have experience with anxiety and ADHD. Once you have a few names, you can look them up on Psychology Today, read their bios, see their photos. Start calling to see who has an opening. When you find somebody with availability, start the intake process. It all takes time. Get on it today.

We only had an intake appointment with the child psychologist. They did not meet with our daughter or diagnose her, only said "it sounds like anxiety to me" At the time, DH was very much against intervening, apart from providing something like EF coaching. It was tough even getting him to agree to see the psychologist. He had very strong feelings on it, so we compromised and said we would wait and see if she would eventually adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

It makes more sense to me to have her evaluated first for anxiety and depression before just giving her SSRIs.

New patient appointments can take months for psychiatrists and some therapy practices. I would get on some waiting lists now in anticipation.

Also, given the various things you describe, has she ever been evaluated for autism?

She should be evaluated for autism as well. It presents differently in girls and is a real possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

This! A child psychiatrist diagnosed her with anxiety 3 years ago and you say she definitely still has anxiety, but you don’t medicate her and you have dodged answering whether she’s in therapy. No wonder she’s struggling with mental health to the point that it’s impacting her daily functioning and physical health! The poor child needs treatment. If she also has ADHD on top of that, she’s completely dysregulated.

She already has a diagnosis of anxiety. Don’t wait to start medication and therapy. Call the child psychiatrist she saw 3 years ago and make an appointment. Do it today. Then log on to your health insurance company’s website and look for therapists who are near you and in-network. From those, make a list of the ones who see children and have experience with anxiety and ADHD. Once you have a few names, you can look them up on Psychology Today, read their bios, see their photos. Start calling to see who has an opening. When you find somebody with availability, start the intake process. It all takes time. Get on it today.

She's not in therapy yet. She never saw a psychologist. DH and I had an intake appointment with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know she doesn't feel hunger? Because she says so? Lol. She may be restricting because that is one thing she feels she has control over in a chaotic unsafe world. She will lie. That's what we with eating disorders do.

Could be. But some people really do have poor interoception. If she doesn't notice being cold, took a while to learn when she needs to pee as a toddler, stuff like that, it's interoception. Which suggests ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

This! A child psychiatrist diagnosed her with anxiety 3 years ago and you say she definitely still has anxiety, but you don’t medicate her and you have dodged answering whether she’s in therapy. No wonder she’s struggling with mental health to the point that it’s impacting her daily functioning and physical health! The poor child needs treatment. If she also has ADHD on top of that, she’s completely dysregulated.

She already has a diagnosis of anxiety. Don’t wait to start medication and therapy. Call the child psychiatrist she saw 3 years ago and make an appointment. Do it today. Then log on to your health insurance company’s website and look for therapists who are near you and in-network. From those, make a list of the ones who see children and have experience with anxiety and ADHD. Once you have a few names, you can look them up on Psychology Today, read their bios, see their photos. Start calling to see who has an opening. When you find somebody with availability, start the intake process. It all takes time. Get on it today.

We only had an intake appointment with the child psychologist. They did not meet with our daughter or diagnose her, only said "it sounds like anxiety to me" At the time, DH was very much against intervening, apart from providing something like EF coaching. It was tough even getting him to agree to see the psychologist. He had very strong feelings on it, so we compromised and said we would wait and see if she would eventually adjust.

Ah, here we go. Apple, tree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please consider an SSRI medication for anxiety. Anxiety can cause a lack of appetite in itself. I find it nearly impossible to eat or desire food when I’m anxious. An SSRI can relax the mind and gut enough to desire food. Anxiety can also make for extremely difficult and contribute to homework taking forever. If you treat the anxiety you may just find that it resolves the growth issue and eases the school issues.

Yes, I'm open to trying SSRI's when we get to that point. I don't know how we will actually get her to take the pills though. We have been unsuccessful in getting her to even take a single vitamin pill. She even refused gummies. I think we may have the world's most stubborn child - it is so frustrating on all levels.

"When we get to that point"? Your daughter is in a mental and physical health spiral already. What more do you need to get to that point?

This! A child psychiatrist diagnosed her with anxiety 3 years ago and you say she definitely still has anxiety, but you don’t medicate her and you have dodged answering whether she’s in therapy. No wonder she’s struggling with mental health to the point that it’s impacting her daily functioning and physical health! The poor child needs treatment. If she also has ADHD on top of that, she’s completely dysregulated.

She already has a diagnosis of anxiety. Don’t wait to start medication and therapy. Call the child psychiatrist she saw 3 years ago and make an appointment. Do it today. Then log on to your health insurance company’s website and look for therapists who are near you and in-network. From those, make a list of the ones who see children and have experience with anxiety and ADHD. Once you have a few names, you can look them up on Psychology Today, read their bios, see their photos. Start calling to see who has an opening. When you find somebody with availability, start the intake process. It all takes time. Get on it today.

We only had an intake appointment with the child psychologist. They did not meet with our daughter or diagnose her, only said "it sounds like anxiety to me" At the time, DH was very much against intervening, apart from providing something like EF coaching. It was tough even getting him to agree to see the psychologist. He had very strong feelings on it, so we compromised and said we would wait and see if she would eventually adjust.

At the very least, start the search for a therapist today. She needs that, whatever diagnoses she might receive.