Please help me help my daughter

[Anonymous]

I am sad and depressed reading this. I am an adult with OCD and depression, and one of my four (now adult) kids has anxiety & ADHD. I am gobsmacked that you're whistling in the dark here when there are so many excellent options.

Overrule your husband. This is life and death. Your daughter needs to be in therapy, take medication, and have strict computer usage rules.

What you've described sounds like autism, ADHD, and OCD. The eating disorder part stems from that. Please please get help immediately. Your daughter is suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prozac is for anxiety and has side effect of making many kids gain weight. That could be helpful here.

There is also a drug that increases appetite you could look into.

Mitrazipine would be a great choice

[Anonymous]

This is OP. You all don't need to be piling on me.

I'm certainly not "punting." I've taken a lot of initial steps just in the past week to addressing the issues. Of course we are taking this seriously. In the last week we've had meetings with the school counselor, her teachers, the school psychologist, and a private provider that does neuropsych evaluations. We've written the school with our concerns and requested the IEP evaluation. We've already consulted with the psychologist at the testing center, scheduled an intake session and scheduled the comprehensive evaluation. We are assessing for anxiety, depression, neurodivergence, social/emotional issues, and EF issues.

However, in the past hour, I've also been told by this board that I also need to IMMEDIATELY see the pediatrician to get her on meds right away before the evaluation, and to see an ED specialist, a psychiatrist, and a psychologist ASAP. This is in addition to following up with a cardiologist, and an endocrinologist. This is for our daughter who pretty much turns into a basket case of stress every time we take her to see a medical provider.

This is not a sprint. This is a marathon and I'm very serious about helping our daughter. And there are 2 and a half decision-makers here, and as much as I think it might be easier, I can't just ignore the input of DH and DD - I can assure you that will never yield the best result. I'm also doing this as someone who has received therapy, and been diagnosed with mild to moderate anxiety and adhd. I have multiple children, an aging widowed parent, and a husband who is stubborn as DD and not easy to work with. All that to say - I'm doing the best I can here, step by step.

And unfortunately, I'm very well versed in EDs, as it runs in DH's family. Honestly - the remote possibility of that is the part that is causing most of emotional overwhelm for me at this moment because I know how serious it is, how impossible it is to treat, and what a very difficult road that is. I've had to watch as DH's sibling go through suicidal episodes, refeeding clinics after losing half her body weight, and gone to their family therapy sessions, etc. It was terribly traumatic. I don't want DD to go down that road - she is still eating every day, and eats most things we put in front of her. But she simply eats less when she is stressed, and she is stressed now, and it's causing a vicious cycle of not being able to focus, not being able to sleep.

But it's also - there's so much going on here at once. I am not ready to jump to any conclusions at this exact moment. I really just need to take a breath because it's going to be a long road ahead. And I need to take things step by step and not panic and react to every comment I receive here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. You all don't need to be piling on me.

I'm certainly not "punting." I've taken a lot of initial steps just in the past week to addressing the issues. Of course we are taking this seriously. In the last week we've had meetings with the school counselor, her teachers, the school psychologist, and a private provider that does neuropsych evaluations. We've written the school with our concerns and requested the IEP evaluation. We've already consulted with the psychologist at the testing center, scheduled an intake session and scheduled the comprehensive evaluation. We are assessing for anxiety, depression, neurodivergence, social/emotional issues, and EF issues.

However, in the past hour, I've also been told by this board that I also need to IMMEDIATELY see the pediatrician to get her on meds right away before the evaluation, and to see an ED specialist, a psychiatrist, and a psychologist ASAP. This is in addition to following up with a cardiologist, and an endocrinologist. This is for our daughter who pretty much turns into a basket case of stress every time we take her to see a medical provider.

This is not a sprint. This is a marathon and I'm very serious about helping our daughter. And there are 2 and a half decision-makers here, and as much as I think it might be easier, I can't just ignore the input of DH and DD - I can assure you that will never yield the best result. I'm also doing this as someone who has received therapy, and been diagnosed with mild to moderate anxiety and adhd. I have multiple children, an aging widowed parent, and a husband who is stubborn as DD and not easy to work with. All that to say - I'm doing the best I can here, step by step.

And unfortunately, I'm very well versed in EDs, as it runs in DH's family. Honestly - the remote possibility of that is the part that is causing most of emotional overwhelm for me at this moment because I know how serious it is, how impossible it is to treat, and what a very difficult road that is. I've had to watch as DH's sibling go through suicidal episodes, refeeding clinics after losing half her body weight, and gone to their family therapy sessions, etc. It was terribly traumatic. I don't want DD to go down that road - she is still eating every day, and eats most things we put in front of her. But she simply eats less when she is stressed, and she is stressed now, and it's causing a vicious cycle of not being able to focus, not being able to sleep.

But it's also - there's so much going on here at once. I am not ready to jump to any conclusions at this exact moment. I really just need to take a breath because it's going to be a long road ahead. And I need to take things step by step and not panic and react to every comment I receive here.

Also for perspective - DD has always been our "easier" child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. You all don't need to be piling on me.

I'm certainly not "punting." I've taken a lot of initial steps just in the past week to addressing the issues. Of course we are taking this seriously. In the last week we've had meetings with the school counselor, her teachers, the school psychologist, and a private provider that does neuropsych evaluations. We've written the school with our concerns and requested the IEP evaluation. We've already consulted with the psychologist at the testing center, scheduled an intake session and scheduled the comprehensive evaluation. We are assessing for anxiety, depression, neurodivergence, social/emotional issues, and EF issues.

However, in the past hour, I've also been told by this board that I also need to IMMEDIATELY see the pediatrician to get her on meds right away before the evaluation, and to see an ED specialist, a psychiatrist, and a psychologist ASAP. This is in addition to following up with a cardiologist, and an endocrinologist. This is for our daughter who pretty much turns into a basket case of stress every time we take her to see a medical provider.

This is not a sprint. This is a marathon and I'm very serious about helping our daughter. And there are 2 and a half decision-makers here, and as much as I think it might be easier, I can't just ignore the input of DH and DD - I can assure you that will never yield the best result. I'm also doing this as someone who has received therapy, and been diagnosed with mild to moderate anxiety and adhd. I have multiple children, an aging widowed parent, and a husband who is stubborn as DD and not easy to work with. All that to say - I'm doing the best I can here, step by step.

And unfortunately, I'm very well versed in EDs, as it runs in DH's family. Honestly - the remote possibility of that is the part that is causing most of emotional overwhelm for me at this moment because I know how serious it is, how impossible it is to treat, and what a very difficult road that is. I've had to watch as DH's sibling go through suicidal episodes, refeeding clinics after losing half her body weight, and gone to their family therapy sessions, etc. It was terribly traumatic. I don't want DD to go down that road - she is still eating every day, and eats most things we put in front of her. But she simply eats less when she is stressed, and she is stressed now, and it's causing a vicious cycle of not being able to focus, not being able to sleep.

But it's also - there's so much going on here at once. I am not ready to jump to any conclusions at this exact moment. I really just need to take a breath because it's going to be a long road ahead. And I need to take things step by step and not panic and react to every comment I receive here.

Also for perspective - DD has always been our "easier" child.

Hang in there OP. We’re rooting for you and your DD.

[Anonymous]

OP few on here care if you respond to every message. We mostly hope for your daughter's well being.
You have time to write lovely long perfect paragraph posts. Maybe stop and just reread and ponder.

And BTW you definitely buried some ledes about yourself, your DH. Medical history and family history matter.

Don't do intakes without your daughter there because you may be filtering too much. If she freaks in the office that honestly will get her to the right care than your steering the doc albeit unintentionally.

Best of luck to you all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Has she been screened for anxiety? Not a dr, but sounds like anxiety is in play here.

Yes she 100 percent has anxiety. We don’t need a test to tell us that.

When we consulted with a child psychologist 3 years ago, that was her take as well.

We’ve talked about the issue with both her school and the private service provider.

Ultimately we have decided to do both evaluations.

So she got a mental health diagnosis three years ago - what have you done to help her since then? Therapy? Meds? Anything? Or you just hoped it would go away.... or what?

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to acknowledge that your DH is possibly not neurotypical and that's a big part of what's going on here.

[Anonymous]

OP I know it feels like people are piling on and it’s great you have made some really good progress this week but you came here and asked for help and you are talking to a group of people who have seen stuff go bad FAST. I know you have a lot going on. I completely believe you. But when you write and complain about your competing priorities it’s very hard to believe you feel the urgency one would expect over what sounds like a very bad and worsening situation.

My child had a crisis situation and I had to take a leave of absence from work to handle it. Many of the people on this thread have done that. We are giving you permission to do the same and deprioritize your mom or whatever else. Someone else might have to help your mom for a while. You can and should make time to enforce boundaries around homework and sleep and pursue every single avenue available to you. I have a kid who has a who special protocol at the dentist because it’s so awful to get them through those appointments so I get it but you have to do it. Why the opposition to the pediatrician? You can call and talk to the nurse line and without them even seeing your daughter though they likely will want to if you report what what you wrote here. My experience is the pediatrician is the best person to talk through all the questions you are dealing with about next steps and they will often see you very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with another question, that I hope doesn't get lost in the thread.

Is this also something I should bring up with the pediatrician? Is that helpful at all? What are the pros and cons?

I really think your issues are beyond the experience of a pediatrician. A child psychiatrist would have better skills. I don’t think it’s a bad place to start with a pediatrician, but you need more help.

Also, get a therapist set up for her. Many are online and therefore more convenient. It may take awhile to build up a relationship between the therapist and child.

Yes, I'm guessing we will most likely eventually meet with a psychiatrist and psychologist.

I'm asking if there's any benefit or downside to keeping the pediatrician in the loop.

Yes, there is a downside - it is slowing your progression to a psychiatrist and med trials. Eventually is not soon enough.

[Anonymous]

It is great that you have down all those things. That isn’t at all what it sounded like when you said you needed to step away from all this and started talking about your mom needing you.

Honestly, the fact that there is an eating disorder in the family means you need to get even more focused on this part of the issue as quickly as you can. I hope you can see an ED specialist very soon.

[Anonymous]

OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

The school counselor recommended we cut her off at 1.5hrs of homework each evening. She typically spends 3-5hrs a day, including weekends. And then email the teacher if she didn't get to finish something.

Cardiologist is scheduled. Still searching for a therapist.

There's a lot of anger and defiance from DD about ANY limits we set on her, and anytime we try to intervene or encroach on her autonomy and freedom. And yet, she lacks any self awareness that she's incapable of setting reasonable limits for herself and that everything is doing is leading to less control. So we have to tread really carefully, especially because I fear it may lead to an ED in her effort to maintain her sense of control and autonomy.

This has been her personality trait since the days she was in my womb. She was itching to get out of my womb ASAP. And as a baby, she hated being swaddled. At 1, she climbed out of her crib and climbed over baby gates and tumbled down the stairs many times. Consequences have never worked with her, they just made her dig in her heels even more. With multiple children, it is much easier to see the contrast and differences in personality. Long road ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

Not the PP you are asking. (I am a PP whose child had an eating disorder, a cardiac condition, and ADHD that needs stimulants to treat, among other things that didn't come up in my comments). First I want to say that you are doing a great job. People describing this as life and death are dramatic. You are right that this is a marathon not a sprint. And, there is no one right way to do things except it would be wrong to do nothing.

As to your question. My thought is this. You want to feel comfortable speaking freely and not having to worry about what you say and how you say it. You just want all of the information on the table. You might also want to be talking about your opinions, frustrations and fears. For these reasons, I would NOT take my child to the initial intake unless it is required. I have been down this road many times and can't say enough about how important it was for me to speak freely and not watch my words for fear of upsetting my child. That doesn't mean there won't be another meeting that involves parents, provider and child. But a parents and provider only meeting is really helpful.