At a breaking point in nearly sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/07/22/carolyn-hax-sexless-marriage-husband/

Better advice than you'll find on a forum . . .

Interesting, tho the idea that you'll be profoundly lonely if you can't get sex whenever you want is a little silly.

Most people are not having sex all the time.

[Anonymous]

Open marriage. Easy solution.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

Men don’t want prostitutes or “release.” They want connection and desire.

This post sounds like it was written by a woman in any case.

Most of the ones around here complaining about sexless marriages seem completely fine with the concept of having sex with their wives, whether or not their wives are turned on or into it. The decent ones say they want consent, but none seem interested in whether their wives enjoy it.

The tip is when they start talking about their wives making "unilateral" decisions to not have sex wiht their husbands as if the husband has any say in whether his wife will have sex with him.

You sound like a complete nut case. Marriage is a partnership, off course husband will have a say when THEY will have sex. Same goes for wife. Now if the husband or wife are a-hole or if they have gotten too fat, then it is understandable for their spouse not to have any desire.

Husbands don't get to decide whether their wife will have sex. They need to get consent.

Marriage is a partnership which means both partners have a say when they have sex. Asking for permission makes it a master/slave relationship not a partnership

Having sex with someone without their permission makes it rape.

This seems like a completely irrelevant point. How exactly is rape connected to this discussion?

read the thread back—the angry guy said the both partners should get decide if the wife wants to have sex and that by doing it any other way creates a master/slave relationship. consent is key to any sexual encounter. not a debatable thing.

I said BOTH partners decide when THEY have sex in a PARTNERSHIP. Its a MUTUAL decision. Unilaterally withholding sex by one partner is abuse. However if their spouse is an a-hole, abusive or have become very fat then it’s completely not to have any desire.

OMG i can't stop laughing

Laughing is the easy way out if you don’t have an answer

no, i just love the idea that NOT having sex with someone because they're gross is abusive. sorry, i'll try to take you seriously.

You are injecting your own thoughts into other people’s posts. I clearly said if a person is abusive, a-hole or very fat then it’s completely understandable for their spouse to not have any desire for them

no, you said Unilaterally withholding sex by one partner is abuse.

It's so funny.

Off course it is abuse. How else is that person supposed to fulfill their desires? Jerking off or using toys is vastly different from sex with another person. And no marriage is not just about sex, but it is a very important element of a marriage unless both partners are low libido

Abuse isn’t accurate, but withholding sex is absolutely equivalent to cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

Men don’t want prostitutes or “release.” They want connection and desire.

This post sounds like it was written by a woman in any case.

Most of the ones around here complaining about sexless marriages seem completely fine with the concept of having sex with their wives, whether or not their wives are turned on or into it. The decent ones say they want consent, but none seem interested in whether their wives enjoy it.

The tip is when they start talking about their wives making "unilateral" decisions to not have sex wiht their husbands as if the husband has any say in whether his wife will have sex with him.

You sound like a complete nut case. Marriage is a partnership, off course husband will have a say when THEY will have sex. Same goes for wife. Now if the husband or wife are a-hole or if they have gotten too fat, then it is understandable for their spouse not to have any desire.

Husbands don't get to decide whether their wife will have sex. They need to get consent.

Marriage is a partnership which means both partners have a say when they have sex. Asking for permission makes it a master/slave relationship not a partnership

Having sex with someone without their permission makes it rape.

This seems like a completely irrelevant point. How exactly is rape connected to this discussion?

read the thread back—the angry guy said the both partners should get decide if the wife wants to have sex and that by doing it any other way creates a master/slave relationship. consent is key to any sexual encounter. not a debatable thing.

I said BOTH partners decide when THEY have sex in a PARTNERSHIP. Its a MUTUAL decision. Unilaterally withholding sex by one partner is abuse. However if their spouse is an a-hole, abusive or have become very fat then it’s completely not to have any desire.

OMG i can't stop laughing

Laughing is the easy way out if you don’t have an answer

no, i just love the idea that NOT having sex with someone because they're gross is abusive. sorry, i'll try to take you seriously.

You are injecting your own thoughts into other people’s posts. I clearly said if a person is abusive, a-hole or very fat then it’s completely understandable for their spouse to not have any desire for them

no, you said Unilaterally withholding sex by one partner is abuse.

It's so funny.

Off course it is abuse. How else is that person supposed to fulfill their desires? Jerking off or using toys is vastly different from sex with another person. And no marriage is not just about sex, but it is a very important element of a marriage unless both partners are low libido

Abuse isn’t accurate, but withholding sex is absolutely equivalent to cheating.

Except it's done openly.

Also, to consider equivalent to cheating, you'd have to believe that sex is an obligation of marriage. Fidelity is an obligation of marriage. Sex is not. It's a thing we enjoy and desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

What do you want then? Permission to torture your spouse with not sex and not let them release a primal urge in any way? That's selfish and abuse. Open it up then if you don't want sex. People are so prude these days.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had a great sex life and we're evenly matched but after a whike he wanted sex more often than I did. I didn't want to spend so much time on it and sometimes I just wanted to get it over with, without both of us having to orgasm because it frankly took a while sometimes. I explained this to him and that I didn't mind if he just came and I didn't. That solved a lot of issues. We could do it as often as he wanted and that was fine with me, along with other sessions where it lasted longer for both of us. I know people hate this idea but it worked for us. That and blow jobs. We are over 60 now and he does not have the same drive. We do it weekly and that's fine for both of us now. It's a lifetime thing and it changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

What do you want then? Permission to torture your spouse with not sex and not let them release a primal urge in any way? That's selfish and abuse. Open it up then if you don't want sex. People are so prude these days.

They can't masturbate? That's a way to release a primal urge.

If it's something more than a primal urge and your wife can't do it for you, and you can't hang onto it, you should get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

What do you want then? Permission to torture your spouse with not sex and not let them release a primal urge in any way? That's selfish and abuse. Open it up then if you don't want sex. People are so prude these days.

They can't masturbate? That's a way to release a primal urge.

If it's something more than a primal urge and your wife can't do it for you, and you can't hang onto it, you should get divorced.

On what planet is masturbation remotely equivalent to sex with another person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

What do you want then? Permission to torture your spouse with not sex and not let them release a primal urge in any way? That's selfish and abuse. Open it up then if you don't want sex. People are so prude these days.

They can't masturbate? That's a way to release a primal urge.

If it's something more than a primal urge and your wife can't do it for you, and you can't hang onto it, you should get divorced.

On what planet is masturbation remotely equivalent to sex with another person?

You said it's just about letting someone "release a primal urge".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

What do you want then? Permission to torture your spouse with not sex and not let them release a primal urge in any way? That's selfish and abuse. Open it up then if you don't want sex. People are so prude these days.

They can't masturbate? That's a way to release a primal urge.

If it's something more than a primal urge and your wife can't do it for you, and you can't hang onto it, you should get divorced.

On what planet is masturbation remotely equivalent to sex with another person?

You said it's just about letting someone "release a primal urge".

NP. If it’s so trivial to you, what is the problem with your spouse having sex with another person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

What do you want then? Permission to torture your spouse with not sex and not let them release a primal urge in any way? That's selfish and abuse. Open it up then if you don't want sex. People are so prude these days.

They can't masturbate? That's a way to release a primal urge.

If it's something more than a primal urge and your wife can't do it for you, and you can't hang onto it, you should get divorced.

On what planet is masturbation remotely equivalent to sex with another person?

You said it's just about letting someone "release a primal urge".

Primal urge for a shag.

Masturbating is only 45% of the way.

[Anonymous]

So, the OP could be my husband except for the part about his needs leading to the wife calling him names.
I don't think my husband is selfish or needy or anything for wanting more frequent sex. I love my husband. I am now in my mid 50's and menopause has killed my sex drive. Killed it dead. Dead. Dead as in I am actively turned off by sex. I try to offer blow jobs at least 2-3 times a month and give into PIV sex at least once a month. I don't want to orgasm. I try really hard to have a good attitude and try to just be present with him during sex, but dang it is hard.
I guess I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave me over this. I don't think marriage counseling would help. It all makes me sad. OP, I hope something works out for you and your wife. I bet she cares more than you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open marriage. Easy solution.

Do you know anyone who has had an open marriage that lasted longer than 18 months (other than gay men)? There was a thread about this a few weeks back. Open marriages for heterosexual couples are just the first step towards divorce. Save yourself the time and money and just divorce if sex is that important to you.

What do you want then? Permission to torture your spouse with not sex and not let them release a primal urge in any way? That's selfish and abuse. Open it up then if you don't want sex. People are so prude these days.

They can't masturbate? That's a way to release a primal urge.

If it's something more than a primal urge and your wife can't do it for you, and you can't hang onto it, you should get divorced.

On what planet is masturbation remotely equivalent to sex with another person?

You said it's just about letting someone "release a primal urge".

Primal urge for a shag.

Masturbating is only 45% of the way.

And the other 55 is loving your wife and abiding by your marriage vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, the OP could be my husband except for the part about his needs leading to the wife calling him names.
I don't think my husband is selfish or needy or anything for wanting more frequent sex. I love my husband. I am now in my mid 50's and menopause has killed my sex drive. Killed it dead. Dead. Dead as in I am actively turned off by sex. I try to offer blow jobs at least 2-3 times a month and give into PIV sex at least once a month. I don't want to orgasm. I try really hard to have a good attitude and try to just be present with him during sex, but dang it is hard.
I guess I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave me over this. I don't think marriage counseling would help. It all makes me sad. OP, I hope something works out for you and your wife. I bet she cares more than you know.

If she cares she wouldn't insult and invalidate him.