At a breaking point in nearly sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

We’ve had sex only a few times this year and once in the last three months with hardly ever any other intimacy. After 15 years, we've had a long slow slide that turned into monthly sympathy sex and is now on the verge of total shutdown. I’m so tired of starting and ending each day feeling frustrated and rejected. It impacts my mood and every other aspect of our relationship and life. I’ve tried to talk about it but the conversation always ends with me being labeled as needy, unreasonable, ungrateful and sex-crazed. I tried to accept it and focus on other positive aspects of my life and our relationship but it is so difficult to just shut down what used to be a positive and enjoyable part of life. Yes, I could cheat and have had opportunity but the potential consequences are obvious and will lead to other problems that are far worse.
There is another thread that essentially discusses if sexless is a justification for divorce. I don’t want that either - my spouse and family are too important to me. I need advice and to see if anyone has suggestions on how to cope and try to find happiness without physical intimacy. I’ve tried but feel I’m at a breaking point of frustration on most days.

[Anonymous]

You should see a therapist together so you can actually have this conversation. Your spouse is being completely unfair.

[Anonymous]

See a therapist who identifies as a sex therapist or who is trained and offers sex therapy as part of their practice. Otherwise you’re going down a path you can’t get back from.

[Anonymous]

The biggest issue is your spouse is calling you names and demeaning you when you broach the subject.

How old is your spouse? Is ED an issue? Depression?

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post. How exactly would a therapist help? Is the result of therapy that the LD spouse somehow changes and becomes more comfortable with sex, or does HD figure out how to deal with no sex? I just wonder if therapy actually resolves anything or does it mask the symptoms for one to make the other feel better about themselves. That’s already the approach so I don’t need to pay a therapist for it. What do they actually do for you both?

[Anonymous]

You have unmet needs and when you communicate this she says your needs are stupid. That sucks.

It’s time for therapy.

[Anonymous]

Do you have little kids? Is your wife at perimenopause age? Would she be open to reading sexy/smutty books? I had a low sex drive when kids were little. I felt over stimulated from being needed all the time and was all “touched out.” I started to get my life back when youngest was around 5 or so. I also started reading spicy fantasy Romance books which really got me in the mood. My husband also had some serious heart to heart convos with me about how it was destroying him and I made an effort change. I have friends who went through similar phases and one swears that hormone replacement therapy (during menopause) saved her marriage (and sex life).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

Men don’t want prostitutes or “release.” They want connection and desire.

This post sounds like it was written by a woman in any case.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

^
The reason I ask is I’ve found the teenage years to be the hardest for intimacy. They let always up and doing stuff and coming and going and need to be driven places.

[Anonymous]

Book: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and Attached by Julie Mennano.

Pursuer-distancer dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

Men don’t want prostitutes or “release.” They want connection and desire.

This post sounds like it was written by a woman in any case.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post. How exactly would a therapist help? Is the result of therapy that the LD spouse somehow changes and becomes more comfortable with sex, or does HD figure out how to deal with no sex? I just wonder if therapy actually resolves anything or does it mask the symptoms for one to make the other feel better about themselves. That’s already the approach so I don’t need to pay a therapist for it. What do they actually do for you both?

In OPs case, I think therapy would help address the other issues in their marriage. A low libido spouse isn't going to call their spouse unreasonable, ungrateful, and needy for wanting sex unless there are other issues in the marriage. Maybe OPs spouse is just a selfish jerk. Maybe OP has things they can do to help their spouse reconnect with them and want intimacy. But this is a major communication issue that is breeding resentment

[Anonymous]

Therapy can help spouses to see that their spouse has legitimate need and isn't just immature or whatever. It can help people to learn to have empathy.

Or it can be a $hitshow. Lots of therapists are not that great. Lots of people are not that great.