At a breaking point in nearly sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest issue is your spouse is calling you names and demeaning you when you broach the subject.

How old is your spouse? Is ED an issue? Depression?

+1 The fact that he shuts you down and demeans you when you express your very valid and reasonable needs is grounds for divorce.

[Anonymous]

^and that has to extend into other aspects if your relationship, yes? He doesn’t sound like a good partner or even a kind person.

[Anonymous]

^oops - he/she

[Anonymous]

Your spouse unilaterally took sex out of the marriage.
Separate or open the marriage sexually, unilaterally. This is what your spouse wants. Once your spouse realizes they can't keep your gonads on a jar on the shelf, they'll either let you pursue happiness and a real relationship, or realize you're value and start to try to earn your respect.

[Anonymous]

You need to say all of this to your spouse . . . you're at a breaking point, cheating and divorce are not options you want to consider . . . You have to insist on therapy. And I'm sure your spouse will push back (because calling someone who accepts monthly sex as "sex-crazed" is not going to look good in front of a third party), but that's when you return to point one (breaking point, cheating or divorce are starting to be viable options).

Try to remain kind throughout the conversation, and remember your spouse's humanity. This isn't about blame or who is right/wrong. This is about improving your communication and marriage, together.

[Anonymous]

Ok I have been there and spouse was using sex as a vehicle for their resentment and need to control everything. Marriage counseling called this out. You have to insist on counseling, particularly if spouse is getting defensive and insulting you.

Do NOT mention cheating or other people or opening the marriage, ever, that just gives them more ammunition to call you a sex crazed lunatic.

Although in my spouse’s case, attention from other people was a bit of a wake up call for them that I am still young/attractive/have options.

It’s never just about sex. You can leave this person because they’re not treating you with love and respect and don’t seem to want that kind of relationship.

[Anonymous]

DH here - same story as OP. I’m convinced DW will never want to be intimate again, although she will take one for the team on occasion. I swear she would be relieved if I had an affair so she could hold it over me and prove that I’m the immature sex-addict that she claims I am. Incredibly frustrated but won’t become the bad guy and genuinely don’t want to hurt her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve had sex only a few times this year and once in the last three months with hardly ever any other intimacy. After 15 years, we've had a long slow slide that turned into monthly sympathy sex and is now on the verge of total shutdown. I’m so tired of starting and ending each day feeling frustrated and rejected. It impacts my mood and every other aspect of our relationship and life. I’ve tried to talk about it but the conversation always ends with me being labeled as needy, unreasonable, ungrateful and sex-crazed. I tried to accept it and focus on other positive aspects of my life and our relationship but it is so difficult to just shut down what used to be a positive and enjoyable part of life. Yes, I could cheat and have had opportunity but the potential consequences are obvious and will lead to other problems that are far worse.
There is another thread that essentially discusses if sexless is a justification for divorce. I don’t want that either - my spouse and family are too important to me. I need advice and to see if anyone has suggestions on how to cope and try to find happiness without physical intimacy. I’ve tried but feel I’m at a breaking point of frustration on most days.

Stop fixating and get some healthy hobbies, work goals, travel goals, health and fitness goals, goals for your children, and then start going on them.

Also get a therapist for individual and couples therapy to unpeel why the sexual attraction, trust and safety within your marital relationship has dwindled.
Sure maybe it’s Hormonal or scientific reason, but if it’s emotional or psychological you have to address that first for the safety and attraction to return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve had sex only a few times this year and once in the last three months with hardly ever any other intimacy. After 15 years, we've had a long slow slide that turned into monthly sympathy sex and is now on the verge of total shutdown. I’m so tired of starting and ending each day feeling frustrated and rejected. It impacts my mood and every other aspect of our relationship and life.

I’ve tried to talk about it but the conversation always ends with me being labeled as needy, unreasonable, ungrateful and sex-crazed.

I tried to accept it and focus on other positive aspects of my life and our relationship but it is so difficult to just shut down what used to be a positive and enjoyable part of life. Yes, I could cheat and have had opportunity but the potential consequences are obvious and will lead to other problems that are far worse.

There is another thread that essentially discusses if sexless is a justification for divorce. I don’t want that either - my spouse and family are too important to me. I need advice and to see if anyone has suggestions on how to cope and try to find happiness without physical intimacy. I’ve tried but feel I’m at a breaking point of frustration on most days.

If a selfish or abusive or childish/dysfunctional spouse is whining (or bullying) about wanting sex and can’t take a clue, then there are major issues to tackle before having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I have been there and spouse was using sex as a vehicle for their resentment and need to control everything. Marriage counseling called this out. You have to insist on counseling, particularly if spouse is getting defensive and insulting you.

Do NOT mention cheating or other people or opening the marriage, ever, that just gives them more ammunition to call you a sex crazed lunatic.

Although in my spouse’s case, attention from other people was a bit of a wake up call for them that I am still young/attractive/have options.

It’s never just about sex. You can leave this person because they’re not treating you with love and respect and don’t seem to want that kind of relationship.

What resentment on their end?

How did that get addressed or were they told to stuff it?

[Anonymous]

Therapy only works when a party is willing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I have been there and spouse was using sex as a vehicle for their resentment and need to control everything. Marriage counseling called this out. You have to insist on counseling, particularly if spouse is getting defensive and insulting you.

Do NOT mention cheating or other people or opening the marriage, ever, that just gives them more ammunition to call you a sex crazed lunatic.

Although in my spouse’s case, attention from other people was a bit of a wake up call for them that I am still young/attractive/have options.

It’s never just about sex. You can leave this person because they’re not treating you with love and respect and don’t seem to want that kind of relationship.

What resentment on their end?

How did that get addressed or were they told to stuff it?

No decent marriage counselor is going to tell someone to “stuff it” right out of the gate.

Two things had to happen: the resentment had to be discussed and we had to get back together.

Spouse was having their version of a midlife crisis. They felt their life was too hard, too unfair, and that because they were doing any of the labor, that meant they were doing ALL the labor. This is despite devoting 10+ hours a week to their hobby, solo. When we sat down and looked at the division of labor, this was not the case. Some people just don’t seem to understand that middle class adulthood with kids is not supposed to be easy breezy and fun all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

Men don’t want prostitutes or “release.” They want connection and desire.

This post sounds like it was written by a woman in any case.

Most of the ones around here complaining about sexless marriages seem completely fine with the concept of having sex with their wives, whether or not their wives are turned on or into it. The decent ones say they want consent, but none seem interested in whether their wives enjoy it.

The tip is when they start talking about their wives making "unilateral" decisions to not have sex wiht their husbands as if the husband has any say in whether his wife will have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

Men don’t want prostitutes or “release.” They want connection and desire.

This post sounds like it was written by a woman in any case.

Most of the ones around here complaining about sexless marriages seem completely fine with the concept of having sex with their wives, whether or not their wives are turned on or into it. The decent ones say they want consent, but none seem interested in whether their wives enjoy it.

The tip is when they start talking about their wives making "unilateral" decisions to not have sex wiht their husbands as if the husband has any say in whether his wife will have sex with him.

You again. Oh boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women should just let their man go get release through a prostitute. It's not that big of a deal.

Men don’t want prostitutes or “release.” They want connection and desire.

This post sounds like it was written by a woman in any case.

Most of the ones around here complaining about sexless marriages seem completely fine with the concept of having sex with their wives, whether or not their wives are turned on or into it. The decent ones say they want consent, but none seem interested in whether their wives enjoy it.

The tip is when they start talking about their wives making "unilateral" decisions to not have sex wiht their husbands as if the husband has any say in whether his wife will have sex with him.

You again. Oh boy.

Have we met?